No Bias. No Narratives.
Mister Greco Recap: Industry rapper Sy Ari Da Kid and (“Put the pound on you like the trending topic!”) John John Da Don go at it for about 5 minutes in a freestyle battle that was pretty subpar all the way through. And with neither battler offering much in the way of haymakers, slip-ups from both sides and plenty of paltry lyrics to boot, best to call this one a tie and quickly move on.
Verdict: TIE
Favorite line: Sy Ari Da Kid – “Look we got it all, want your pizza store?, I’m your Papa John!”
Recap: Lyrically raw, confident swag with consistent aggression and highly potent (“Yeah you a baller cause you walking when u travel”) bars/wordplay, it’s all the tools Loaded Lux needs to execute an easy bodybag on Young Miles, who disappointingly chokes twice after delivering an efficient round one.
Verdict: Loaded Lux (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Loaded Lux – “I got a style like I back swing hoes, I’m witty, I’m slicker than that hair on Nat King Cole”
Part 2 Part 3
Recap: Using loaded 4-bar set-ups, prolific braggadocio bars and witty personals, Bigg K makes this one a wrap pretty early as the aggressively loud grunts of Lil Nay continuously lack depth, much less any signs of intricacy.
Verdict: Bigg K (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Bigg K – “If God don’t like ugly, I bet he put out a hit on you!”
Synopsis: Not sure why Soul Khan would dispute the judges decision and say he lost here. I mean this battle was close, but SK’s Gary Coleman rebuttal alone (arguably one of the best rebuttals ever) and poRich’s lame 3rd round totally offset SK’s slip-up in round 2. Good thing SK clearly took the OT anyway.
Verdict: Soul Khan (W) OT
Best line: Soul Khan – “Muthafucka I could beat you if I did or didn’t choke, where was I on the night Gary Coleman died?, giving your mom a different stroke (Diff’rent Strokes)”
Synopsis: First, props to Aye Verb for standing his ground to the Battle Rap Bully in a room littered with Brooklyn fiends–Verb brought up the Dose battle and Math gay rumors while showing no fear or intimidation in front of a guy who loves to play off that shit. Second, that Math dickrider in the green shirt really gets on my nerves, laughing at just about everything Math says while side-eyeing Verb throughout his rounds, even the corny lines (any wonder Calicoe brought up the antics of Math’s cheerleaders in their battle). But lastly, line for line, this battle was really no contest with Math delivering gems like “nigga please, you see the type of reach I got?, you can’t read my speed, you gonna spit a couple of teeth and drop, your people’s they gonna leave the spot and in a couple of weeks this twat gonna wake up out his coma with the same beard jesus got” with typical bravado all the while storytelling with lively warnings and over-the-top hilarity that even had Verb losing it. Brooklyn wins.
Verdict: Math Hoffa (W) 2-1
Best Line: Math Hoffa – “Captain Marketable, I could sell you on all kinds of shit, for one you could be a face model for a hollow tip”
Recap: Over a decade later and this classic Lionz Den battle between Tay Roc and Kaboom still has a cloud of controversy over its head. The debate centering around whether or not this was a 4-round battle to begun with or if it went the usual 3 rounds with an OT round thanks to the judges or if the 4th round was just Roc and Boom giving the fans an extra round for fun, knowing that it wouldn’t count in the end. I’m going with the latter and got Boom winning this in 3. After all, most Lionz Den battles were 3 rounds long. Then too, the fact that Roc turned around and spit his bars 1st (after going 2nd all through the earlier rounds) in the extra round should tell you that this was a bonus turn. That said the decision here is pretty clear with Roc’s consistently lit, street themed bars handily taking round 1 before an elongated, but aggressive, witty at times, mocking, boastful and punch-heavy Boom clearly took rounds 2 and 3 for the win over what could arguably be seen as two of the two most basic rounds Roc has ever spit. However, let it also be said that Roc’s 4th is a certfied classic with its fiery storytelling, brazen punches and stellar intermixing of noted Philly rappers.
Verdict: Kaboom (W) 2-1, Tay Roc (W) OT
Favorite line: Kaboom – “You wack, your mixtape is a frisbee, take this filthy nigga back to Walt Disney!”
Synopsis: For the most part a pre-“Landslide!” Calicoe puts on a dope show using fierce punchlines (“His bitch always want me to cut, she admire my saw”) and jokes (“He was one of those fat, short niggas at the court wishing he was a tall cat that say ‘If I can’t play well I’m taking my ball back”) to rally the crowd while making a game attempt to steal a win from hometown fave Heartless. Yet, an animated Heartless sets adrfit any chance for Calicoe to take this one by delivering two rounds of pure heat. Put aside the quasi-gay (“smack at his butt like baby clothes”) lines, Heartless goes immediately for the throat with punchlines (“….Nigga if you Mr. Hightower, how come you still ain’t came here [hair] with a fresh line”) galore an ill ‘how-to-use-arm’ scheme and steady haymakers (“I’m not fucking with him, that’s why I stay strapped, nigga I bring that semi abroad, that bitch done took off more wigs than Nicki Minaj”). Granted it’s not easy getting beat by a guy dressed in pink, but Calicoe will be alright.
Verdict: Heartless (W) 2-1
Best line: Heartless – “If I approach you with that iron kid, it’s no wonder you’ll be losing bread, fuck it, how about we all just rob him then go cut the cake together like newlyweds?”
Recap: Conceited is so hit-n-miss with his punchlines throughout this matchup against Goodz, that even if he did manage to drop a couple of nice off-the-dome bars on the huge armpit stains staring at him throughout this battle just begging to be goofed on, it probably wouldn’t have mattered anyway. Indeed, this battle didn’t come down to how crazy nice Goodz as much as how alarmingly corny Conceited, one of the slicker (“Sub zero gave him ICE, it was a fatality”; “I swear Goodz I ain’t gonna front, that name is clever, [but] I’ll get rid of that ‘O Z’ and send you up to the remaining letters”) punchliners around, was at times. From the infamously lame: “And they all bananas, so you better split” performance bar in the 1st round to the lazy “In this battle I’m a Yankees, he the Phillies [philly] that’s why I’m smoking his ass” line in the 2nd, Conceited lack of consistency, much less haymakers left plenty of room for Goodz most entertaining (“It’s crazy, he talk about he poppin’ them things, wow!, but him and his girl go to the mall and they shop in the same aisle!” personals, wittiest “C’mon, you tough?!, well if you do smoke lead, it’s like a dope head, you gotta shoot up”) wordplay and an easy win.
Verdict: Goodz (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Goodz – “I got my name from a bitch, you went to jail and they named you Conceited, he tried to hook off on the low, and got pushed off on the floor, then they caught him in the showers and made him play football with the soap!”
Recap: Plenty of boastful darts, gun talk and mediocre punchlines in this 3-round battle between Qleen Paper and Artic. But with the addition if a little wit here and there and a nice freestyle in the midst of his 3rd round, it’s QP who gets the win here after the two split the first two rounds.
Verdict: QP (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Qleen Paper – “I roll down ya block and bitches watch out the window, just to get ’em hot, throw some gwap out the window, let ’em see them spinners I stop and then go, look Artic, stop lying, I’m not your kinfolk!”
Recap: I agreed with the judges on this one. Despite Fredo laying down a classic 3rd round of dope one-liners and too-funny (“Your dad’s a dumb cunt, your karate class was mad expensive, it cost him an arm and a leg, so he paid half upfront”) quips on Swave Sevah’s dad, overall his inconsistency in rounds one and two hurt him, therefore allowing Swave’s usage of brash (“Pen said they sleeping on you my nigga, I said yeah, on a bed of nails”) bars, nifty jokes and steady punchlines to edge those rounds and make it a case of too little, too late.
Verdict: Swave Sevah (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Swave Sevah – “Fuck a diet, this nigga when on a ‘Try It!'”
Synopsis: Okwerdz’ 6th grade (“And your vision’s based on movement, but that’s too damn easy, cuz’ I’m making moves but you can’t see me”) rhymes and predictable crowd pleasers don’t stand a chance against an animated and inspired T-Rex who spouts off enough wicked personals, impressions, jokes and greasy bars (tho, not that he could’ve known it at the time, but there’d be plenty of irony to come in lieu of his “C’mon out the closet, you niggas gay, everybody know y’all fronting, y’all be slapping each other on the ass like ‘good game’ and ain’t nobody playing nothing” bar) to take the win. Indeed, so impressive was Rex that you can even forgive him for that “segregation” flub.
Verdict: T-Rex (W) 3-0
Best line: T-Rex – “I’m a vet I kill niggas on cameras and shit, and he’s a vet, he be dealing with hamsters and shit”
Round 2 Round 3
Synopsis: I could see some people saying this one was one for DNA. esp. with his first round getting so many points for performance alone. Yet, the bars Tsu Surf was spitting here, IMO, don’t get enough credit for how they landed or appreciated for all the subliminals (“that whole Grind Time team? Bring ’em all over ‘cuz they good over there, but Bryon Russell with the crossover”) he dished out–it was just his delivery that needed a lot of workThat said, DNA’s personals, rebuttals, bars and all-round aggression gave him teh win, but not a bodybag.
Verdict: DNA (W) 2-1
Best line: Tsu Surf – “Where da goons lurk, you don’t get love nigga, on every bitch heels, you an UGG nigga”
Synopsis: Not to dismiss his talent, but with his nerdy aesthetics, Jewish heritage. gimmicks and shock value bars/theatrics, it’s easy to see why Soul Khan gets so much love in the battle rap circuit–after all everybody loves the underdog. Yet, here’s a sample of SK getting too much love against a cocky wordplay feen in QP. Of course, for whatever reason QP’s S.O.N.S. crew seem to forever get hated on and it wasn’t too long before this battle that SK put J. Fox in a bodybag on the URL stage. But all that extra shit aside, on bars alone, seems to me that QP just put on a better overall display, esp. in rounds 1 (“This faggot’s a maggot and magic couldn’t make this fruit fly”) and 2 (“But you a walking contradiction and I’m just now learning why, because you say you hate skinheads, why on the 8th day you get circumcised?”). Soul Khan would later take credit for this win (and with a clearly biased crowd one can understand why), but I got it the other way around.
Verdict: QP (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Soul Khan – “I’ll sunset the S.O.N.S set, dropping every man, your rap crew is some fat dude and some chocolate teddy grams”
Recap: Here’s the only known released footage of Murda Mook vs. Verse from their Fight Klub battle. Not much to see here besides Verse’s mundane fast-rapping, while Mook compares lifestyles with his usual charismatic flair. A judged battle–with Mook still around and Verse M.I.A., I think it’s safe bet to say that Mook got this.
Verdict: Murda Mook (W)
Favorite line: Murda Mook – “That’s what my life ’bout, never chose the right route, you see me in D.C. pissing on the White House!”
Part 2
Part 3
Synopsis: So this battle starts off with Calicoe just spazzing, dissing New York heads (“All my victims got somethin’ in common, a bunch of New York niggas born rich with a silver spoon”) in a room full of Yankee fitteds, dealing out that gun talk, clearly taking over the room and well on his way to a win on the road no less. But credit Rich for staying consistently aggressive throughout, delivering schemes (“That Calicoe will put him 6 deep, for thinking he I’ll, he catch a Holla in his Big Tee”), disrespectful bars and that straight BX gutter (“Ask the Jacksons I kill mics [Mike] no prescription drugs”) talk, all the while a clearly unprepared Calicoe looks up to the sky so he can remember and start spitting lyrics from his music library. BX all day.
Verdict: Rich Dolarz (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Calicoe – “We only watch Richie’s battles to hear him say ‘Chill!'”
Round 2
Round 3
Synopsis: Great first round by Calicoe, too bad he clearly didn’t prepare for the rest of the match, using written bars in round 2 and practically giving up in the 3rd. Meanwhile, Rich was Rich, consistent aggressive (and grimey) bars, a few jokes here and there and enough shots at the Midwest movement to catch up and pull out the win.
Verdict: Rich Dolarz (W) 2-1
Best line: Calicoe – “We only watch Richie’s battles to hear him say ‘Chill!!!'”
Synopsis: Not sure if this was a 3 round battle because the vid seems to be missing a round, but nonetheless it’s an easy win O-Red whose aggressive heat, punchlines and gun bars wiped away Money Bagz’ basic filler.
Verdict: O-Red (W) 2-0
Favorite line: O-Red – “That shotty blast, knock the Rocky out your cocky ass, heat burst till the beef jerk, teriyaki swag”
Recap: Hey, if you’re gonna argue about Diz going way too ham with the stereotypical Asian jokes then the same’s gotsa be said about all the dudes who milk Arab jokes against Diz….btw, that “don’t have to grab a snack every time I hear a cat meow” rebuttal by Diz was extra mean!
Verdict: Dizaster (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Dizaster – “I fucking hate spicy mayonnaise!”
Synopsis: This is the battle Cortez still loves to bring up when attempting to prove his mettle. But every time I watch it I come away with same conclusion: Hitman edged it. Of course, if you’re just about bars (and clear-cut crowd bias), you might give it to Cortez (tho he had way too much filler in round 1). But Hitman had plenty of dope bars too, along with (as usual) performance, jokes, schemes (the “Man, what?!” lines are classic) and enough personals (clearly Hitman bringing up Cortez’s losses bothered his opponent) to get it in the end.
Verdict: Hitman Holla (W) 2-1
Best line: Hitman Holla – “You just a Mexican that rep New York but lose when it matter the most, you Mark, Sanchez”
Synopsis: Not quite a body as Z.M. definitely had his moments, but Syahboy’s consistent display of elite punchlines, performance and set-ups (“Put a big X on ya head like tight ends on Madden”) put this one away with the quickness.
Verdict: Syahboy (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Z.M. – “I will run up in your son’s special needs class and sing to him like ‘Ya jawbone’s connected to my kneecap!'”
Recap: Grind Time Now vs. KOTD battle sees Charron and Amzilla kill it with about 8 rounds of pure, off-the-dome freestyles, building off each other’s rhymes with acute timing and using everything from crowd apparel to piercing personals to fellow battle rappers to enhance their bars. A close one throughout, it’s the more versatile and persevering Charron who takes it in the end.
Verdict: Charron (W) 5-2
Favorite line: Charron – “I’ll leave his throat slashed in, the chance of you beating me is like the chance of Thesaures being a spokesperson for Proactive!”
Recap: Honestly thought there wasn’t any need for OT because Swave Sevah edged rounds one and three with a batter variety of bars versus mostly average punchlines from High Collide. Nonetheless, despite the slip-up, I thought Sevah landed the only haymaker (“I’m not feeling you cuz so I’m killing ya buzz like AA meetings”) in OT to win it, not that High Collide’s weak rebuttal and random bar at Dumbfounded helped.
Verdict: Swave Sevah (W) OT
Favorite line: Swave Sevah -“I’ll buy a bulletproof vest, make you wear it and test and see if it work”
Recap: In this early matchup of Kannon vs. Kannon, it’s Young K who edges it with more consistency with his bars, staying animated throughout while spazzing on everything from what he’d do to his opponent’s kids to taking down Big Kannon’s street cred. While Big K started out hard during the first half of his round, he fell flat towards the end and could’ve did more with the “You my son” angle.
Verdict: Young Kannon (W) 1-0
Favorite line: Big Kannon – “I think nuts sometimes, I wanna treat him, evil as hell, when he come to my door, with his lawnmower, ringing my bell”
Recap: SMH. Yet, another example of how bad judged battles can be as somehow 4 different dudes gave Arcane a win (one even had the audacity to knock Charron for rebutting several times) here despite a more versatile Charron clearly out-punching and/or outshining his opponent when it came to wit, racial angles and feisty personals in the opening and final rounds. Not that Arcane was that bad here, offering some hitting punches/personals in the 1st round and edging Charron in the 2nd with more steady shiners. But with Arcane spouting a totally bland and very basic bar-wise 3rd, even a mediocre turn by Charron was enough to take the deciding round easy.
Verdict: Charron (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Charron – “You’re in your mid-30s and you dress like a thug, you’re about as real as the ID I used to get in this club!”
Recap: Tourettes Without Regrets 2nd round freestyle battle between Charron and Tommy Gunz with a chick dancing on a stage in the back just in case the battle doesn’t excite you enough, sees Charron not only flexing his off-the-dome skills again, but getting downright mean with it, using a handful of flippant personals in each of the two rounds to easily take the win.
Verdict: Charron (W) 2-0
Favorite line: Charron – “I’m a Holocaust victim, you’re skinnier than Anne Frank!”
Recap: Not sure what’s going on in the back with the chick dancing on the stage while the battle went down, but either way it gets no easier for Charron here, dominating this 1-round freestyle battle against a clearly overmatched Marquee with a boatload of roundhouse punches and spitfire personals.
Verdict: Charron (W) 1-0
Favorite line: Charron – “You said you’d fuck my brother?!…you belong in Frisco!”
Recap: 17yo, armed with a shitload of Asian jokes as well as other sordid personals and clearly able to go on forever with the freestyles, Charron bodies a very underwhelming Sosh for 10 rounds to win the final round of this Tourettes Without Regrets freestyle tournament.
Verdict: Charron (W) 10-0
Favorite line: Charron – “I rhyme profound, this guy’s a clown, you don’t belong in the final round, go back to Chinatown!”
Recap: Nice of them to not do an O.T., but in this Grind Time battle between John John Da Don and Troy Brown the latter still gets robbed as his continual use of scathing personals and witty barbs edged what was a solid and at times punch-heavy, but not as potent turn from JJDD in the deciding 3rd round.
Verdict: Troy Brown (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Troy Brown – “You know the kid on the block that sucks at every sport, that always ended up playing on the team, like ‘fuck you guys if you don’t take me I’ll just take my ball and leave!’…that’s John Jon!”
Recap: East-coast vs West-coast style clash between punchline/wordplay-feen (“When I start throwing bullets, nigger don’t think you can’t get open, so you better take a different route, or I’ll be in ya hood like LL, leave him with only one leg showing…while I shoot In The House!”) Heartless and an always about-that-action Shotgun Suge stays competitive throughout as both battlers stick with what they do best, while rarely missing a beat. A gritty and compelling battle that was enhanced by the small-room, crowd-right-up-on-you-to-taste-every-line atmosphere, a debatable 1st round followed by Heartless edging the 2nd round while Suge took the 3rd adds up a pretty succinct draw.
Verdict: TIE
Favorite line: Shotgun Suge – “So don’t say shit, ‘cuz I don’t play bitch, I got the same shottie that Willie Manchester knocked J-Rock over the gate with!”
Synopsis: Monie Love’s reactions throughout this battle are hilarious. That said, A smiling (and very colorful) Young Gattas performs a body on QB (who literally gave Gattas the 1st round, rapping for like only a minute or so) with venomous bars so tight that QB, wanting to fight and all, seemed to forget that she was in a rap battle. Indeed, Sara Kana was just being nice when she said this was “very close”.
Verdict: Young Gattas (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Young Gattas – “You look like a man…Wendy Williams!”
Recap: Funny how often John John Da Don had to hear about how he looks like Chris Brown during his early battle rap career. That said, even with his opponent here, Young P-ro, tossing out yet another Chris Brown reference to go along with a nimble punch game that’d make the S.O.N.S. crew curious, JJDD’s more scintillating punchlines, witty barbs and stinging personals are more than enough to score a 30.
Verdict: John John Da Don (W) 3-0
Favorite line: John John Da Don – “Nigga, you so ugly that when you was born your grandparents tried to jump you!”
Recap: Two round Grind Time promo battle between John John Da Don and Bravo goes JJDD’s way pretty handily as the Yonkers, NY rapper scathing personals and flexing punch game easily beats back a gritty, but mediocre effort from his opponent.
Verdict: John John Da Don (W) 2-0
Favorite line: John John Da Don – “Fuck his girlfriend ‘cuz he probably the only nigger that hasn’t yet!”
Recap: Hey, if you’re bars aren’t too hot and your opponent has say…a weight problem, why not go the comedian route and unload a gang of fat jokes to better your chances of winning? That about sums up a simple, yet effective strategy for Troy Brown as after getting out-punched in round 1 of this 3-round Grind Time Midwest battle, Brown enlists his Buddy Love alter ego to spout a bunch of hilarious personals in the latter two rounds for the win.
Verdict: Troy Brown (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Troy Brown – “Don’t even pretend you got bulimia when you throw your food up just so you can eat it again!”
Synopsis: I don’t know what Soul Khan was talking about at the end there, with lame lines like “The only time he gets props is in a novelty store”, a weak SK impression and mistaking ‘Juliette Lewis’ with ‘Julianne Moore’, Aspire didn’t have nearly enough in his arsenal to beat SK here. Ignore the OT.
Verdict: Soul Khan
Favorite line: Soul Khan – “You’re so pussy those ain’t sideburns, they’re matching landing strips”
Synopsis: Hollow got the win here, but this battle was a lot closer than people give it credit for as Big T’s round 1 and 2 was pure fire and he definitely provided Hollow with some comp throughout. Still, tho it’s Hollow’s rebuttals, sublime bars (his 3rd round is an undeniable classic) and obviously the fat jokes that kept da Don lit. But then too Big T’s round 3, while equipped with a few shiners, was overall just too long, bland and repetitive (you could say that 7 times).
Verdict: Hollow da Don (W) 2-1
Best line: Hollow da Don – “You could ask my NYB niggas, I’m hot like Jay flow is in Marcy, and you gonna take the L like you about to go to Canarsie”
Recap: Not including the OT round for review in a battle that Charron clearly had already won as Corey’s storied schemes, witty personals and frenetic punchlines/name flips secured easy vic’s in the opening rounds over an uber-condensed, but nowhere near as potent OZ before a debatable 3rd round.
Verdict: Charron (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Charron – “And MTV’s in the house so you’ll get burned to core, your mom’s a dirty whore who’s got more herpes sores than there’s Guido’s up in Jersey Shore!”
Recap: Fiery personals rein galore is this competitive 3-rounder from Chicago Battle Grounds between Young Gattas and Haitian emcee Miss GTP. However, after a hot opening round by both ladies, a more resilient, witty and punch-heavy Gattas takes each of the latter rounds for the win.
Verdict: Young Gattas (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Young Gattas – “To fix that nappy shit you need a comb that’s hot enough to radiate!”
Round 2 Round 3
Synopsis: Head Ice’s reactions alone are the reasons to watch this battle. That said, Surf’s first round is an incredible barfest with consistent performance and swag to match–indeed, the “You a Ray-J fan and an Aye Verb lover, toughest nigga in the Midwest is Aye Verb’s mother!” quip doesn’t become an instant classic without Surf’s sick, on-point delivery. And while Ill was nice too in round one, a couple of bars were just flat-out corny. Surf’s round 2 was just full beast-mode and over-the-top hilarious, but Ill sorf of made it debatable with some hefty bars and that “she top me off so much, the bitch memorize the sound of my zipper” line. Surf obviously gave away the last round and Ill and his belt took advantage of it. Still overall, Surf’s first two rounds edged Yung Ill’s for the win.
Verdict: Tsu Surf (W) 2-1
Best line: Tsu Surf- “Dwyane Wade, 3 from my heat, a drop 30”
Synopsis: Sure, Deacon Frost can be a funny guy (“S.F. we mobbing deep on some Mexican shit, [while] you in your grandma living room dancing naked to Prince”) at times, but his serious lack of quality bars and/or dope punchlines usually makes for an easy win….if you’re his opponent. Such is the case here as Swave Sevah delivers roundhouse bars, jokes and a plethora of haymakers (“Y’all just put a featherweight in a death match against Leatherface”) to take up an easy body.
Verdict: Swave Sevah (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Swave Sevah -“You got a Tyrone Biggums swag….and a Trick Daddy face”
Recap: “No subliminal shots”. Is there any battle rapper out there that means what he say and says what he means more than Head Ice? I don’t think so. Still, for all his intimidating gangsta (“Shit I check a crew like Nikes I catch your crew wilding, stomp ’em with ACG’s I give ’em New Balance”) talk and slick delivery, Ice’s lack of angles and wordplay can sometimes be a disadvantage. Such is the case here as while bars over jokes may be the pedigree for so-called “real” battle rappers, Tech-9’s overall medley of bars, jokes, perfromance and personals scored him a close win here.
Verdict: Tech-9 (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Tech-9 – “Your baby mom got a mean back, when I fuck her she scream back ‘Go deeper Daddy’, me and my niggas call her ‘Freak Nasty’, the bitch a freak and bitch nasty, little dirty in the butt ashy, i make her shower first”
Recap: Entertaining Grind Time Midwest battle between Frankie Wapps and Big Kannon with plenty of witty punchlines, some nimble wordplay, stinging 4-bar setups/name flips and fierce personals/schemes from both sides. Still, after getting edged in round, a more consistently spicy Kannon takes each of the last two rounds for the win.
Verdict: Big Kannon (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Big Kannon – “He’s a lame who lies about pushing them birdies, but where the drugs?, the only thing his ass is pushing is 30!”
Recap: First, props to the dude in the middle on stage with the shades on, showing absolutely no emotion throughout–if anyone out there’s looking for a human statue they need to look no further. Secondly, retired from battle rap for like 4 years now, I’d imagine that the URL misses Oun-P’s heavy aggression, BX flow and lyrical stylings. Lastly, this battle, the first for both Oun P and DNA on Smack, while decent at times, didn’t really deliver what you’d expect as DNA wasn’t consistent and came with a lame 3rd round, while some of Oun P’s bars didn’t match his aggression and he seemingly choked in the 1st. With the battle pretty much coming down to the 2nd, tho it was kind of raw I had no problem with DNA’s backwards Mook scheme (which would undoubtedly spark some copycats) and most of his personals were on point. On the other hand while a lot of his bars didn’t get the crowd reaction they deserved, Oun-P still executed his lines well and more than delivered on the performance tip. All told you could call this one even.
Verdict: TIE
Favorite line: Oun P – “He do got a chick, see, and she broke it all down, ’bout how his pipe game is like Grind Time, nothing but short rounds”
Synopsis: In this epic “Battle of the Hats”, after a close round 1, O-Red takes it up a notch and rips Lance apart with rapid punchlines, jokes and mean personals.
Verdict: O-Red (W) 2-1
Favorite line: O-Red – “The fire-starter, lion heart, there ain’t no taming me, speech like brushing your teeth, I’m what you Aim to be”
Recap: In this 2-rounder from a Scribble Jam event that took place in Cincinnati, OH, Iron Solomon dishes some scathing personals and piercing freestyles/punchlimnes at a pedestrian punching Pass to easily get the win.
Verdict: Iron Solomon (W) 2-0
Favorite line: Iron Solomon – “You could spit those multiple’s till your ???, I’ll be at the hotel giving your girl multiple orgasms!”
Recap: Close in both rounds with Iron Solomon and Zeale each spouting some spicy freestyles, it’s the slightly more consistent nice, disrespectful and slick-talking Solomon who gets the edge in rounds 1 and 2 for the win in this Scribble Jam contest from Cincinnati.
Verdict: Iron Solomon (W) 2-0
Favorite line: Iron Solomon – “Look, it’s not ‘cuz I’m short that I’m so angry, it’s ‘cuz I fucked the shit out of your mom and the bitch didn’t thank me!”
Recap: Ahh, the 2000’s with throwback jersey’s, XXXL white T’s and battle rap rounds under a minute…those were good ‘ole days. Besides that, with some fire rebuttals/personals mixed in, Iron Solomon easily outpunches 9DM in this 2-rounder from Brainstorm 2004.
Verdict: Iron Solomon (W) 2-0
Favorite line: Iron Solomon – “I’m gonna tear him apart, his chin strap’s so big it looks like he’s wearing a scarf!”
Round 1 Round 2
Round 3
Synopsis: If you’re somehow able to stay awake during HollyHood’s rounds, watch Shotgun Suge go off, grizzly bear mode while bullying his opponent with aggressive bar (including some hilarious tributes to Tupac in “Juice”) after bar. Needless to say Suge’s big ass pea coat and HollyHood have both been MIA ever since.
Verdict: Shotgun Suge (W) 3-0
Best line: Shotgun Suge – “Stab your mother in the voice box, now she talking with an auto tune”
Recap: Full Fledge Battleground 2-rounder between Kraze and K-Shine is a mostly one-sided affair as Kraze’s thoro, but laidback stylings couldn’t keep up with the consistent heat delivered from Shine’s stifling schemes, catchy punches, flexing personals, riddling gun bars and brazen storytelling in either round.
Verdict: K-Shine (W) 2-0
Favorite line: K-Shine – “The 38. in a class by itself, that mean the led special!”
Recap: Gun bars-a-blazing and painting some epic pictures of the type of mayhem he can create, outside of a debatable 2nd round, a boastful O-Red easily beats back a punchline-heavy at times, but too gay joke-centric and mostly pedestrian Spunk Whop in this 3-roudner from Waa Battle Circuit.
Verdict: O-Red (W) 2-1
Favorite line: O-Red – “I’ll kick in your mother door popping the mag, out two in her head, your father?, 4 shots to the ass, your grandmama watch me reload, I cock it and blast, that old hag catch a slug through her oxygen mask!”
Recap: As brazen, slick, off-the-dome and punch-heavy as Calicoe was here in this URL 3-rounder vs. Nuborn, what really stood out was just effortless he made it seem. The Detroit rapper incorporating a variety of clever wordplay, fiery personals and dope anecdotes in his raps, when he wasn’t impressively almost free-styling an entire 3rd round. And while Nuborn, one of the nicest punchers in the game around this time, tried to keep things competitive (esp. during a sublime round 3), way too many pedestrian bars from the BX spitter throughout the battle along with Cal’s well-executed 3 rounds of heat, was enough to give the latter a shutout.
Verdict: Calicoe (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Calicoe – “I did an ultrasound on this newborn [Nuborn], I knew he was a bitch before he got here!”
Recap: When it comes to syrupy punchlines, it doesn’t get much better than this as Cocky and Heartless go at it for 3 rounds with frequent set-ups that combined with often wicked, but also witty puns, similes and metaphors, made for one of the best punch-fest’s you’ll ever witness. And while the two Cali spitters also added a bunch of dope personals, daunting street missives and rigid name flips to the bout and kept it entertaining and close throughout with a frequent amount of haymakers on each side, it’s a slightly more consistently biting Cocky who edges the first couple of rounds for the win before Heartless reversed things and edged the 3rd.
Verdict: Cocky (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Cocky – “Fuck a bank, I get longtime money, it’s all fun and games till his guts and his brains hanging out like longtime buddies!”
Recap: All things considered, it would take a cool vet like Head ICE to out-swag Goodz. But this one really came down to, as it usually does…who had the better bars. Something Goodz seemed to run out of as the battle went on, while ICE’s slick talk, storytelling lines and boss chatter stayed moving the needle in his direction as the battle proceeded. Split the first round down the middle. The rest? All ICE.
Verdict: Head ICE (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Head ICE – “And I’m a bark back, come to the dog show, catch you by yourself slipping, expect to get long-nosed!”
Round 2
Round 3
Synopsis: After a competitive 1st round (Frost’s “canoe” line being the highlight), Soul Khan goes full beast mode and takes out Deacon Frost with two rounds of cold jokes (“I’ll take your girl to the movies, she could barely keep her clothes on, you take your girl to the movies and she’s like ‘I already seen this with Soul Khan'”), funny impressions, bars and wicked (“If I snatch you dildo’s would fall out of your pocket”) personals .
Verdict: Soul Khan (W) 2-1
Best line: Soul Khan – “I’ll steal your family dog and cut his abdomen open, then send that bitch home full of plastic explosives”
Recap: In a battle of two KOTD undefeated’s, after a debatable round 1, Charron’s more consistent jocular styling’s, which included a boatload of ya mama jokes and stinging/off-the-dome personals in the latter two rounds easily beats back a much less hitting Lokust.
Verdict: Charron (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Charron – “Your face looks like the ball’s sac of a bear!”
Verdict: O-Red (W) 3-0
Best line: O-Red – “Move your lips too quick, you get pistol-whipped with a rocket launcher”
Recap: From Grind Time, in what was a pretty competitive, personal-lit and punch-heavy 3-rounder that also had some nice rebuttals, gotta disagree with the judges here as after a debatable round 1, had Sahtyre edging round 2 before clearly taking round 3 over Real Deal for the win.
Verdict: Sahtyre (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Sahtyre – “You remind me of that super hero that never could fly, look, it’s a bird, it’s a plane…nope, it’s just a regular guy!”
Recap: Finally, a Grind Time battle where all the judges (and me) were on the same page as John John Da Don uses just about every Asian stereotype he could find to out-punch a witty at times, but mostly pedestrian Passda in the first two rounds for the win before JJDD pretty much gives up on getting a 30 to instead dish on some much-needed rants on how Grind Time judges battles.
Verdict: John John Da Don (W) 2-1
Favorite line: John John Da Don – “All his Chinese chicken is really Siamese kittens!”
Recap: This being her 6th or 7th battle on Grind Time, you can witness the trials and tribulations Young Gattas had to deal with early in her battle rap career. So regardless of the lack of preparation at times, biased judges, almost always having to face dudes, being gay, a freestyle and punch ability that doesn’t always get appreciated, etc., Gattas’ time in GT makes her a pioneer in battle rap no matter what her won-loss record was there. That said, here against a witty and personal-savvy Tut, after an entertaining and close 3 rounds that could’ve gone either way, a slightly punch-heavier Tut takes the OT for the win.
Verdict: Tut (W) OT
Favorite line: Tut – “I messed with a chick with a body like yours, it was kinda cute…we was probably like 4!”
Synopsis: I agree with the judges (funny watching Swave Sevah and Iron Solomon judging battles) as this was an easy win for Lotta Zay who came with better punchlines, meaner consistent bars and nicer name flips all throughout. Clearly, John John has a lot of growing to do.
Verdict: Lotta Zay (W) 3-0
Best line: Lotta Zay – “His man crying like why you hit him in the mouth for?, he came from the dirty so I hit him with the southpaw!”
