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Bodybag

Swamp defeats Qleen Paper

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Recap: Damn, there used to be a time when your biggest worry with Qleen Paper was whether or not he was gonna show up to the battle. But choking? All 3 rounds?!? SMH. Needless to say after seeing his opponent fail to complete all of his rounds, it’ll never be any easier for Swamp. The South Carolina battler getting the 30 and a rare bodybag on top while doing his part via a trio of rounds filled with a bunch of sturdy punches, boastful/fiery barbs and his usual plate of Southern-style cooking served with piercing name flips, aggressive name-calling and prolific gun bars that made this URL ‘Redemption 2’ bout a mixed blessing anyway.

Verdict: Swamp (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Swamp – “The bull dog is for close range, but the scope on a rifle, for the deep threat, the swamp, you jump off in that water, you gonna more than ya feet wet!”

Real Name Brandon defeats Nu Jerzey Twork

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Recap: As yet another reminder on why you can’t take the URL App vote seriously, despite Nu Jerzey Twork choking away this 1-round Banned battle to Real Name Brandon, somehow he still had 2,000-plus votes stating that he won as I write this recap. SMD. That said (and no disrespect to RNB who with his consistently-lit punches, stinging personals and spiffy wordplay, was just straight fire here), with the dominating storyline coming out of this battle being NJT choking once again, who’s to blame (to the point that his current manager Anwar and ex-manager Rome DMV had a heated back-n-forth online about who managed Twork better) and what to do about it, here’s some unsolicited advice for Twork (who when it’s all said and done has no one to blame but himself for his continual mishaps): no more distractions leading up to battles. As in, within the 48 hours leading up to a battle, no going out, drinking or partying, no phone calls (unless of course, it’s an emergency) and no stupid Twitter beefs (in fact, stay off social media altogether). No anything. Nothing but staying on lockdown and practicing his rounds over and over again right up to the battle (and that even includes any pre-battle interviews) to the point that they’re so embedded in his head, that hopefully he’s never capable of choking again. Hey, if professional athletes can take away the distractions while they prepare for a big match, then so can Twork (esp. when you consider the amount of $$$ he’s being paid nowadays). And if his manager can’t make sure he has no distractions beforehand, then Twork should find himself a new one.

Verdict: Real Name Brandon (W) 1-0

Favorite line: Real Name Brandon – “You thought you was gonna get up here and push a fat nigga around?, I ain’t Norbes at all!”

Nu Jerzey Twork defeats BC

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Recap: Bodybags are rare, but in this 1-rounder from Houston Bar Code Nu Jerzey Twork is able to score one. Nu Jerooz using some filthy wordplay, rambunctious gun bars and piercing punchlines/name flips to easily beat back a totally subpar with the punches, slip-up prone and eventually choking BC, who while handily getting beat, still managed to come up with the funniest line of the night with that “I’ve never lost a battle in Texas” finisher.

Verdict: Nu Jerzey Twork (W) 1-0

Favorite line: Nu Jerzey Twork – “They don’t even know you in New Orleans…but the mag on ya [Magnolia]!”

Ill Will defeats Jag

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Recap: This was unfair. Whether it was a spitfire, personal-lit, touching at times, but also rowdy 3rd round or a gang of stellar set-ups/punches, wily gun bars and mocking personals in the earlier rounds, for 3 rounds Ill Will (who overall, wasn’t even at his best here) dominates the loud and aggressive, but consistently basic bars from Jag. Indeed, even the Atlanta crowd were riled by this bodybag what with the West-coast battle rapper displaying an extreme lack of intricacy to his bars that by the final round just became hard to watch. And when you consider how much hype went into promoting this battle. you might be better off re-watching the faceoff, yunno when Jag still stood a chance to win.

Verdict: Ill Will (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Ill Will – “I’m forever ready, Pontiac got my back very heavy, they just know me as Will, the lights make me ill…like epilepsy!”

Real Sikh defeats Danny Myers

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Recap: Champions of the Year don’t quit. And unless your name is Dre Dennis, you shouldn’t be battling every week. Those are two factoids that Danny Myers had to fond out the hard way as a week after beating Shotgun Suge in a sometimes grueling 3-rounder, the Bar God (who’s long been criticized for never saying no to a battle) decides to take on a rising up-n-comer in Real Sikh and literally gets his ass handed to him in a brutal showing that saw Sikh’s highly intense, but versatile array of hardbody punchlines, grungy wordplay and hard-hitting personals light up the scoreboard. And in a sight we haven’t seem since he battled Stuey Newton a couple of years back, a verbally fatigued Danny not only chokes in each of the opening rounds (it should be mentioned that he did have a pretty solid, but flow-challenged round 1 that he almost it through before forgetting his bars near the end), but flat-out quits without spitting a single bar for his round 3. So while Sikh, who was sensational here, gets himself a rare bodybag, you know he didn’t want to get the win this way. On the other hand, putting aside his supposed undefeated round streak being broken as well as him being out of the COTY contention with this awful performance, maybe Danny Myers will learn a lesson from this (tho I highly doubt it), take a break from battling for a couple of weeks or so and get back on his grind. Either way, a kind reminder all battle rappers: unless your name is Dre Dennis, you really shouldn’t be battling every week.

Verdict: Real Sikh (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Real Sikh –  “So what if he the G.O.A.T. [goat] my people make curry outta that!”

Benji Lolo defeats Reepah Rell

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Recap: 1-rounder from Colosseum Battle League spotlights two dudes whose battle rap careers have been going in vastly different directions of late (the usually reliable Reepah Rell notably coming off some recent flat performances while gaining more fame online for his actions outside the stage, while the underrated Benji Lolo’s newfound performance stunts have lifted up his status and had him going viral) as Lolo’s witty/stinging punches, fiery schemes, mocking personals and wicked performance bars (capped by a fire Sub Zero, ‘teleport’ scene) lines him up for a bodybag after Rell chokes a couple of minutes into his round before choking again when given a 2nd chance to finish his turn minutes later.

Verdict: Benji Lolo (W) 1-0

Favorite line: Benji Lolo – “Nigga, don’t you sell cookies?, and they not even edible so technically you a Girl Scout!”

Casey Jay defeats Ms. Murk

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Recap: Rare bodybag here as highlighted by a classic 3rd round that was superbly executed when it came to exquisite punchlines, wordplay, name flips, gun bars and personals, all via a pretty confident Casey Jay who put a severe 3-round hurting on Ms. Murk in this Royalty battle from QOTR and URL. Indeed, the bar-spazzing Casey Jay who had the crowd rocking from jump and was almost as equally superb in the early rounds, would unfortunately receive would little to no competition in return for her effort as Ms. Murk, after starting off nicely in round 1 with a series of fire punches, would choke halfway in that round before needing a water bottle, delivering one line and choking again in round 2 before not even attempting to spit in round 3. Whether or not the notoriously fallible Ms. Murk choked this battle away due to her own shortcomings or due to her opponent’s over-the-top and consistent heat is a conversation for another day.

Verdict: Casey Jay (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Casey Jay – “You was supposed to put on for us bitch, you never did it, you started choking every battle, crowd was losing their interest and if you wrote that shit then how the fuck you forget it?!”

Stuey Newton defeats Danny Myers

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Recap: Well…ummm….wow. Either Danny Myers was taking on too many battles or the parallel universe version of Danny showed up here against Stuey Newton and choked for 3 rounds. That’s the only way one can call it as Danny endures what had to be the worst showing of his battle rap career, stumbling, slipping up and eventually forgetting his bars in its entirety during each of his turns. A huge disappointment considering this was URL’s first show in Stuey’s home state of Washington and a big letdown that clearly bothered Newton as well as the crowd in attendance. Of course it should be said that with a sublime fleet of head-spinning gun bars, sturdy punchlines, braggadocios shiners and blood-dipped mayhem/schemes throughout his rounds, Stuey might’ve won this one anyway. But damn that he had to get the vic this way.

Verdict: Stuey Newton (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Stuey Newton – “I’ll do this pussy foul, like ho’s who gotta spray when they pee!”

Dre Dennis defeats JR

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Recap: Even if he was a little offended by all the subpar bars his opponent was kicking, one would think Dre Dennis would be flattered by JR’s clear appreciation for getting the opportunity to battle him. That said, a 1-rounder with almost all pedestrian bars and a choke on one end along with a Dre Dennis on top of his game via a series of salacious punchlines and potent gun bars? Bodybag.

Verdict: Dre Dennis (W) 1-0

Favorite line: Dre Dennis – “Spray his nigga’s till his clip will disperse, everybody got texts [Tek’s] at the same time…Presidential Alert!”

Pat Stay defeats Tierstar

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Recap: With 3 rounds of basic raps that might’ve worked in say….2005, Germany battle rapper Tierstar not only fails to provide any competition in this TopTier Takeover battle versus Pat Stay, but such a poor effort here can make one re-think watching battles in which a no-name, wannabee up-n-comer pays to battle a top-tier. As for Pat, tho we’d get the usual gang of derisive jokes/personals, performance-enhanced barbs and hardbody punches in the 1st round, from there, matched up against such a subpar opponent, who could blame him for getting bored and just wanting to be done with this thing what with his continued crowd trolling, sometimes lazy raps/freestyles and condensed turns in both rounds 2 and 3? Indeed, so bad was Tierstar that Pat caught another bodybag anyway.

Verdict: Pat Stay (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Pat Stay – “Tierstar, who gave you that name?, take off ya hat it should be 50 shades of gray!”

Pat Stay defeats G Duble

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Recap: There’s lopsided and just a plain old bodybag in this rematch from a battle that took place 10 years before this one. Indeed, a Pat Stay that wasn’t even on his A-game uses proverbial wit, witty personals and fierce punchlines/schemes to easily take out a very basic with the bars and awkwardly ‘pause’-worthy G Duble. The latter of whom making his mark with the unique inability to drop a single haymaker in the entire battle, thus showing that he really had no business sharing the stage with the likes of Pat Stay regardless of what happened in their previous battle.

Verdict: Pat Stay (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Pat Stay – “Heard you just put a ring on that bitch, poor girl, if she leaves with half, she’ll get garlic fingers and some cinnamon sticks!”

O’fficial defeats Ms. Murk

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Recap: An ill-prepared Ms. Murk literally chokes for all 3 rounds, leaving O’fficial’s mostly hardbody punchlines/schemes and stinging wordplay with more than enough ammo to provide for an easy bodybag.

Verdict: O’fficial (W) 3-0

Favorite line: O’fficial – “Thinking she a sex symbol?!, red dot on her cheek, I’ll keep her blushing!”

DNA defeats 7 Weaponz

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Recap: I’m sure that in the shower, while getting ready for this battle, 7 Weaponz went over his ‘dope’ bars again and thought he had a sure-shot chance of beating the likes of DNA. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t have showed up, right? 7 was going to pull the upset of the year, get an immediate PG and the big stage wouldn’t be too far behind. Plus it’s only for one round, so screw you if you didn’t think 7 had a shot at pulling off the unthinkable….and now that this bodybag is over with, screw reality for getting in the way of 7’s longstanding dreams.

Verdict: DNA (W) 1-0

Favorite line: DNA – “I got the .4 in [foreign] behind the counter and I’m a give 7, 11!”

Mickey Factz defeats Daylyt

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Recap: For all the talk building up to this battle, on Mickey Factz possibly ending Daylyt’s career by calling out all his battle rap antics (something he, ironically, hardly does anymore) over the years, this matchup actually ends up accentuating the idea that Factz might want to consider battling more often. That is, when he’s not taking himself a little way too seriously the preachy hijinks–as here we see Factz mixing righteous pontifications with fierce personals and lofty wordplay altogether with an aggressive performance. Take in Daylyt dishing a half-assed 2nd and 3rd round along with Factz gamely calling out his opponents propensity for sputtering (“He’ll say something like ‘If I could blink, with my ghetto eyes I’d see we’ve been hoodwinked!”) gibberish and you’re left with a clear bodybag for the BX.

Verdict: Mickey Factz (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Mickey Factz – “From the beginning [word] I saw D was an idiot with my two eyes, you 3rd string thinking your verb’s [or ‘verse’] clean, you and your hurt queen, verbal machete split him down the middle…he’ll B [be] in half looking like the number 13!”

Gwitty defeats Rad B

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Recap: Rambunctious with the grimy set-ups, segueing nicely between punches and fanatical with the gritty flow, Gwitty easily earns his paper with a dominating, one-round performance over a sputtering and eventually choking Rad B.

Verdict: Gwitty (W) 1-0

Favorite line: Gwitty – “He the type to snitch, call the cops after work, caught him nice and jewelry, he got picked on the cover, like the Madden curse!”

Yung Griz defeats Billy Boondocks

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Recap: Funny, entertaining, head-scratching and totally one-sided battle from AHAT sees Yung Griz somehow getting through all the crowd noise and interruptions from his wayward, totally unprepared, freestyling opponent throughout this bout and deliver 3 rounds (we’ll deem the 3rd, where Griz spit what amounted to a superior character assassination, a classic) of spitfire punchlines, scathing personals, piercing schemes, blistering gun bars and rugged name flips and beat back a pretty embarrassing effort from Billy Boondocks.

Verdict: Yung Griz (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Yung Griz – “You always saying you wanna lift up the West and that’s kinda why some of us new nigga’s try to look up to you, then we get a little buzz and nigga’s say we good and you try to troll to keep us under you and that’s why I can’t fuck with you!”

Squeako defeats Tink Tha Demon

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Recap: Horrible showing by a slip-up prone Tink Tha Demon, that’s further cemented when he almost chokes on his 1st bar before giving up the round halfway and cutting short his next two thereafter, For the energetic and witty Squeako, for three rounds it was almost like he was battling himself, what with catching a bodybag with little very wear or tear.

Verdict: Squeako (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Squeako – “So pop shit and the automatic, automatic, automatic we gonna spit, big shit, look like I walk around with a tablet on my hip!”

Shi Dog defeats Tink Tha Demon

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Recap: To borrow a phrase from Young Ill: ‘Who is this nigga?’ Dishing (“Tink, why fight to be the center of attention, just to end up the center of a Caution tape!”) mark-for-death bars at his leisure, performance-heavy, Las Vegas up-n-comer Shi Dog makes easy work of a fiery (“Tell ya bitch before I sweat her [sweater], I’ll take a pocket knife and make a v-neck!”) at times, but slip-up prone Tink Tha Demon in this one-rounder from The Trap NY.

Verdict: Shi Dog (W) 1-0

Favorite line: Shi Dog – “Flex for nothing, your bitch will get a breast reduction, play nice, we might just send a tittle to you!”

L.S. Da Zombie defeats Jey The Nitewing

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Recap: Well, here’s something you almost never see: a battle rapper (in this case, Jey The Nitewing) choking in all 3 rounds, thus affording a pretty solid punching (esp. during an extra dope 2nd round) and witty at times L.S. Da Zombie a bodybag in this For MCs By MCs P.I.N. 2 Tourney.

Verdict: L.S. Da Zombie (W) 3-0

Favorite line: L.S. Da Zombie – “Bullets coming out at night [Nite], they nocturnal!”

Nu Jerzey Twork defeats Ripp

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Recap: Nu Jerzey Twork scores a rare bodybag, consistently using ferocious (“Sit your black ass down before I let my hawk speak, rip [Ripp] clothes on stage…Five Heartbeats!”) name flips, winning (“Fuck you and that bitch, that’s my fave phrase, machete on me, K on me, I gotta stay safe, Ripp get the K on sight, she get —-, I let it rip, once I let it rip, I give ya bae babes!”) schemes, fierce (“Drive-by, I’m coming to Ripp [rip] city in a Trailblazer!”) punchlines, rich angles/set-ups and even exposing Ooops sound-alike (and build-alike)/opponent (“You brought all them niggas from Trenton with you, you knew you wasn’t gonna make it alone, it looks bad for all these niggas…like the interviews with Raven-Symone!”) Ripp with pictures from a less ‘gangsta/precaher’ profession. And what with host Jaz da Rapper in the building along with a classic first round from Twork, one can guess that this was one the of the battles that impressed folks enough to eventually bring Twork to the URL stage.

Verdict: Nu Jerzey Twork (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Nu Jerzey Twork – “All that preaching just to be another nigga to die, you living a lie, I talk about guns because my Mac pack rounds…and Rosa Parks ain’t do shit but sit her black ass down!”

Cortez defeats Cyssero

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Recap: For 3 consistent rounds Cortez reps hard for his hood with a wide load of BK bangers, dishes out some nice storytelling bars, styles with the (“Fingerprints? Not a trace, cuz’ if I fuck with the gloves, I’m in Philly, two twins giving Brotherly Love!”) wordplay and kills with the personals against Cyssero, a signed North Philly rapper and battle rap vet, who despite some nice punches here and there, chokes twice and learns the hard way that if you’re an artist returning to battle rap, you may want to ease your way back in slowly against some lower tiers dudes rather than hop on the big stage right away and face a top tier like Cortez.

Verdict: Cortez (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Cortez – “So stop acting like you some real big G, please ock, you get sent to the store for dutches, you come back…and then get sent to the weed spot!”

Bill Collector defeats Bright Fame

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Recap: No need to get all technical here, so I’ll just quote AR-Ab on this one: “That shit was like a slaughter man, wasn’t even no competition”.

Verdict: Bill Collector (W) 1-0

Favorite line: Bill Collector – “I swear my sneaky bar attack is perfect, ‘cuz I just killed you dog but I’mm keep you around, I’m such a taxidermist!”

Rone defeats Daylyt

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Recap: Well, this was an easy one to judge as Daylyt uses some behind-the-scene drama with host Eurgh to literally walk out on his battle with Rone. Of course, if it was that serious Daylyt could’ve thought about the fans who paid their hard-earned money to see him, backed out of the event earlier, did a blog or something to air his grievances with Eurgh and allow Don’t Flop enough time to find somebody else to replace him. But Daylyt wouldn’t be Daylyt if he did things the proper way…smh. Credit Rone for maintaining his cool and spit his bars–the crowd certainly ate it up.

Verdict: Rone (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Rone – “He fucks over his own culture, like a porn star fight, but it’s cool, as long as he gets on World Star, right?”

Real Deal defeats Sno

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Recap: Real Deal uses a variety of gripping personals, hitting (“Twinz said he putting out a trailer for this and you asked if it was double-wide”) jokes, nice race quips and steady rocking bars to perform a bodybag on Sno. Who with plenty of lame set-ups, a whole lot of filler and weak lines like “Where I’m from we got so many guns, if we start shooting for the starts, we might fuck around and shoot the sun out the sky” clearly showed that he only showed up to pick up his paycheck.

Verdict: Real Deal (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Real deal – “Don’t judge a book by its cover, I’m Billy Hoyle with them knee highs and velcro snaps”

Danja Zone defeats Lotta Zay

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Recap: “I’m dead nice”–never witnessed a more confident, flat-out consistent and all-out superb Danja Zone than here against Lotta Zay. So prolific was Danja’s pen game, that nothing Lotta did in this battle would’ve mattered at the end. So despite a rare choke by Lotta in round one, being followed by a couple of (“I’ll leave y’all all hurt, Rugrat open and crank it, y’all see the Tom’s squirt”) average rounds, with a wide array of fierce wordplay, booming punchlines, spirited (“Zay verse Danja, bet, but if this a battle on Olympus, in light of when greats connect, then why he kept getting invited like Facebook game requests?’) bars and addictive (“Cut out your middle and side man, like when Frank went to Thailand!”) crowd-pleasers, Danja Zone not only only gets the white towel thrown in during round 3, but his stock should go way up after catching a body against a pretty formidable opponent.

Verdict: Danja Zone (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Danja Zone – “Headshot, y’all getting the head at the same freaking time, that’s a 69!”

J. Murda defeats Phrank Rizo

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Recap: J Murda uses some flagrant schemes and hot performance (“You can lose your life exactly where you stand…BYE! [standby]”) bars to take out a poor man’s Tech 9 in Phrank Rizo. Indeed, with Rizo spitting consistently underwhelming lines like “Shells burn baby, shit will get hotter than Africa”, this one was over pretty much before it started.

Verdict: J. Murda (W) 1-0

Favorite line: J. Murda – “This BODY gonna be hard for you to watch, like your sister stripping”

Cortez defeats Spoke In Wordz

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Recap: “Now you battling no-names cuz you need more bread?” was easily the best and realest bar that Spoke In Wordz spit in this rout of a match against Cortez. In other words, think about the difference between the NBA and the D-League to get an idea of the difference in talent here: (Cortez: “Words will get exposed, hidden texts”; Spoke In Wordz: “I’m Magic, pulling B-Magic out the hat, presto!”). Yeah, there’s different levels to this shit indeed.

Verdict: Cortez (W) 2-0

Favorite line: Cortez – “Dyslexic, I’m right with the words, but words can’t write”

Presidential Dubz defeats Young King Fabio

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Recap: “This battle will go one way, him dying in front of the magazine like his face on the front page!” No contest here as Presidential Dubz uses crazy gun bars, sizzling (“…crews will fix a Thugs Life, he’ll be looking like ‘Pac on a cross!”) performance lines, hitting 4-bar set-ups/personals and heated punchlines to easily perform a bodybag over an error-prone Young King Fabio.

Verdict: Presidential Dubz (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Presidential Dubz – “You believe in God nigga? Good. Play Christian, bullets will be out for this nigga liek it’s a slave missing!”

Swave Sevah defeats Makk Mizzle

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Recap: Swave Sevah stops by in Baltimore to make good on a favor owed to Pit Fights Battle League and reverts to the old Swave by unloading 3 rounds of steady haymakers and hard bars with frequent punchlines to perform a body on Makk Mizzle.

Verdict: Swave Sevah (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Swave Sevah – “We roll deep, AR’s maggie’s, ski masks, black hoodies, looking like Daylyt at a Trayvon rally”

Conceited defeats Duce

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Synopsis: Not to be on the S.O.N.S. bandwagon or anything, but I just think you gotta be corny or just a hater to diss the “Slow-It-Down”. For one it’s an innovative artform that brought something new to battle rap (which alone should give it respect). Secondly, it takes certain skills to do it and lastly, when done right the shit still works. But like Arsonal says: “Haters Pivot, Winners Travel” and until you work hard and get the type of notoriety and mileage in your passport that recognizes you as an official top tier, new guys like Duce will forever stay in their lane.

Verdict: Conceited (W) 1-0

Favorite line: Conceited – “That bitch know I gotta have [half] face like the neighbor from Home Improvement”

Jaz the Rapper defeats 40 B.A.R.R.S.

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Synopsis: So….is there really any more doubt about who the real Queen of the Ring is? Getting right to it in round 1 Jaz the Rapper lands haymaker (“Cuz’ to be the best you gotta beat the best, you ain’t ever had a full court press up in ya face, you battled Star, Imah, Norma, Dutchess, of course you gonna look like a queen  always putting peasants in they place”) after haymaker (“…I just hit 22, but watch how I bag 40. I’m in a cougar bar”), showing so much contempt for 40 B.A.R.R.S. that she had the nerve to call that her lightest round. Meanwhile an up-n-coming, but clearly not-ready-for-primetime 40 B.A.R.R.S. stumbles from the gate and spits a round so light that even Tay Roc would shake his head. From there it’s nothing but Jaz prepping the bodybag, styling on her opponent with killer bars (“I got a gun so big…..that shit don’t work”), a nice Lux impression and embarrassing 40 with Popeye flashbacks (“40 you fought granny over a 2 piece biscuit and some fries?!”). How bad was this massacre? Twice 40 either choked or pulled a Duran and quit on her rounds–to quote K-Shine: “Zip her up!!!”

Verdict: Jaz the Rapper (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Jaz the Rapper – “Hit that bitch in the head with a bottle of vodka to show 40 proof”

KG The Poet defeats Philly Swain

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Synopsis: Who knew Philly Swain came outta retirement? OK well, unless he’s gonna update his style (that “Daddy” shit needs to go), use some newer-school references along with writing some better bars (“Have our head steamin like you runnin in the cold”?!?) and stop with the childish antics (ala fellow Philly native E. Ness)…..as KG The Poet does here, he’s gonna keep getting bodied in the ring. Indeed, a sad sight to see for a long-standing vet.

Verdict: KG The Poet (W) 3-0

Favorite line: KG The Poet – “The uncomfortable truth is if you was really making your money, bumping your music, you wouldn’t be in this ring getting pumbled and bruises from a nigga doing this shit half your time but still got paid double what you did!”

Goodz defeats Danja Zone

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Synopsis: Warning to all battle rappers: DO NOT battle Goodz in a one-rounder. Really now. And there’s no sense trying to spin this one as despite a solid effort from Danja Zone, a Henny-holding, gem-dropping and versatile Goodz was just clicking (“Thinking you on, well you wrong, you had a classic with NuBorn, no for real you had a CLASSIC with NuBorn”) on all cylinders here. Indeed, BX all day.

Verdict: Goodz (W) 1-0

Best line: Goodz – “Where’s the charisma at?, that was today’s lesson, matter fact y’all battle rappers should’ve met me on Christmas, I was giving out stage presence (presents)!”

Illanoiz defeats D Gunna

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Recap: Illaniz: “You gonna lose due to lack of performance and preparation”. Who knew Illanoiz was in the prophecy business? That being said, despite spitting what turned out to be a (“So if daddy brush here [hair], then I’m banging it on him, you see the Pops hit his waves like Adrian Broner”) decent first round, D Gunna does the inexplicable…choking during his round two and proceeding to quit right afterwards in an all-important Proving Grounds matchup. So it’s an easy bodybag for Illanoiz, who displayed enough versatility, a too-ill board game scheme and crazy (“Seen the laptop and some money, I took his mac-n-cheese [Mac and cheese] and I’m coming back if your chain make my collar green”) wordplay during his two rounds, that he probably would’ve won the battle anyway–too bad that Gunna’s complete meltdown didn’t allow us to find out.

Verdict: Illanoiz (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Illanoiz – “That shotty will pilate your body, better be flexible”

prez mafia defeats D Money

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Recap: Hey, I’m never one to kick a man while he down, but considering what’s at stake Proving Gorunds has gotsa be the worst place to pull a choke…not once, but twice no less. Smh.

Verdict: prez mafia (W) 3-0

Favorite line: prez mafia -“I got these flows down to a Tee, bars over everything, put the shine in the left hand and watch it wedding ring [wet-n-ring]”

O-Red defeats Yung Ill

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Synopsis: Since he hasn’t spoken about it publicly, one can only guess what’s going on in Yung Ill’s personal life these days and one can only hope that its gotten a lot better since this battle dropped. Still, the belief here is that once you step on the stage and into the ring…all bets are off. That said this is just hard to watch as Ill pulls consecutive choke after choke that makes you not only cringe, but wish he had listened to the audience and just stopped mid verse (or freestyle) in each round. Of course, with the repeated hot bars O-Red spits throughout here, I’m guessing that even if Ill had brought his A-game, he probably wouldn’t have been able to stand up to Red anyway. But if you paid your hard-earned dollars to see these two at their best, it’s a shame only one of the them was able to give you your money’s worth.

Verdict: O-Red 3-0

Best line: O-Red – “But now you standing here like you poppin’ thangs, stop it lame, you nervous, I can hear you shaking nigga, you pocket change…”

QB (Black Diamond) defeats Don Ladyii

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Recap: This was unfair. For all the talking these two did before this battle, the results are a one-sided affair that had you wishing someone had thrown in the towel for Don Ladyii after round 2. Funny too to see that Don Ladyii’s attempt to put QB’s alleged criminal past on blast didn’t go over well with the crowd…at all. Only Couture could pull that shit off. Again this was unfair….QB all day.

Verdict: QB (W) 3-0

Favorite line: QB – “So when that Mac-11 click shit, I been a feen, squeeze on a boss like Rick Ross in skinny jeans”

T Top defeats Young N Wise

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Recap: An up-n-coming. inspired and seemingly pissed-off T Top lays the hammer down on a clearly overmatched Young N Wise, lacing a bodybag with straightforward aggression that’s equaled by debilitating (“I know it’s iron-ic, that iron make him freeze up, and that blade will make you fold your load, it’s like a crease cut”) bars, fierce punchlines and ferocious wordplay.

Verdict: T Top (W) 1-0

Favorite line: T Top –  “Ya grandmama shaking her head, that’s a mean bump”

K-Shine defeats J-Money

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Recap: This is the version of K-Shine that’s damn near impossible to beat: exquisite execution, on-point delivery, a consistently confident performance, wicked (“…she asked me to freestyle, so I came off the top”) wordplay, potent (“I got that .40 in a bag like a wino, and I don’t fuck with Blanks, I ain’t never deal with tae bo”) bars after bars and even an on-the-spot rebuttal mixed in. All in all a schooling session for an aggressive, but mostly average J-Money and a bodybag for K-Shine.

Verdict: K-Shine (W) 1-0

Favorite line: K-Shine – “Nigga point me to the money, I need all of it, I’ll make a movie with that uzi, you can star in it!”

Stuey Newton defeats Lil Decent

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Recap: Displaying some wit and some fire bars, Lil Decent was…decent, until he choked, 1st in the second round and surprisingly again in the 3rd. That’s a bodybag for Stuey Newton, who with some potent schemes, steely, aggressive bars, nice gun bars and a few Martin jokes, had this one in the bank anyway, even if he did rap too long in the 3rd.

Verdict: Stuey Newton (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Stuey Newton – “I ain’t gonna lie tho, I feel kinda bad for murking you, ‘cuz that peach fuzz said you just hit puberty and I know your ID still vertical!”

DNA defeats E-Ness

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Synopsis: To think, how many people used to respect E. Ness’ grind back in the day when he battled Jay Millz on MTV and walked all the way to Brooklyn to get that cheeseburger for Puff on Making The Band. Then some years later he works his way up to and receives “legends” status here, returns on a card and disrespects DNA all throughout his rounds, while expecting to win a battle where he spouts what is arguably the worst line in battle rap history?!? That shit is just nutty. To think, we’ve seen way better from DNA who was just alright here. Thus, the body comes from Ness being that bad.

Verdict: DNA (W) 3-0

Worst line: E-Ness – “I’m crazier than crazy glue!”

Steams defeats K.O

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Recap: “This nigga don’t deserve to be in my highlights”….that pretty sums this battle up as Steams’ hot bars, delivery and execution provide more than enough material to perform a body on K.O.

Verdict: Steams (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Steams – “How can he not die?, y’all two jokers rolling with two deuces, the ace of spades will give his top 5”

Swave Sevah defeats Young Kannon

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Synopsis: Overall, a good show from Young Kannon, but against this A-game version of Swave Sevah he would’ve needed to put on the performance of your life. And unlike his recent battle against B-Magic, Kannon just didn’t have enough stamina to deliver it here.

Verdict: Swave Sevah (W) 3-0

Best line: Swave Sevah – “You a young kannon [cannon], the fuck is that? a .22?”

Tone Montana defeats ESG

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Recap: Yes, ESG called Tone Montana a “wanksta” in this battle. But then that wasn’t the only reference he made to the 90’s or 00’s so it could be that he’s possibly stuck in the time warp and can’t get out. Granted, Tone Montana wasn’t much better here, but bar wise he bested anything ESG had to spit–too bad for Tone, all the judges must’ve been his opponent’s homies.

Verdict: Tone Montana (W) 2-0

Favorite line: Tone Montana – “…killing was constant, there was nothing I could ever do with a smile, but I’ll be in y’all projects going coo coo with the Cal”

Ill Will defeats J Huggans

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Recap: Perhaps still upset at his sleep being interrupted too early about a prospective rap (“Why would you call me to even provoke me?!, and early in the morning!, nigga you don’t even know me!”) battle, Ill Will gets downright undignified, dropping crazy wordplay, punchlines, aggressive bars, personals and repeated haymakers on J Huggans to proceed with, execute, complete and toe tag a bodybag.

Verdict: Ill Will (W) 1-0

Favorite line: Ill Will – “I will come to St. Lou and dismember your shit, Lay low the day before and plan on bombin’ ya building the next day…damn that’s similar to September the 10th”

T Top defeats Lee Hustle

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Recap: Almost didn’t recognize him at first, but the infamous Lee Hustle gets in the ring with T Top in this one-rounder from Goonie BattleGroundz. All these years later, Hustle still displays an aggressive style and still doesn’t have a problem talking while his opponent raps, but within a shortened round is only able to spit a couple of standout (“Top, you wanna know why my fans come around? Cuz’ my shit raw, I got the shit that put Whitney in the ground”) bars outside of what amounted to mostly average lines. On the flip side, T Top literally goes ham for like 8 minutes, amping the crowd with crazy personals, steady schemes, raw (“Lee Hustle, you fat muthaficker you, but ask him moms, I’m a fat mother fucker too!”) jokes and persistent name flips on top of a mean performance that allows his to leave the show with a body.

Verdict: T Top (W) 1-0

Favorite line: T Top – “Fuck Hustle, I’m coming for your fam Lee, send Deebo in ya crib, I can’t stand [Stan] Lee!”

Young X defeats 811

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Recap: It’s an easy bodybag for Young X as his prolific and jaunty (“You couldn’t fuck with me, you ain’t half as wicked, you’ll turn state’s evidence over a traffic ticket!”) personals along with a slew of rich anecdotes trounces a slip-up and substandard-bar prone 811.

Verdict: Young X (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Young X – “You ain’t got the power to blow and you lost because 8:11 was a couple of hours ago!”

Charlie Clips defeats Aye Verb

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Recap: Arguably URL’s most-hyped bodybag features Aye Verb against a Charlie Clips making his first appearance since his legendary battle versus Tay Rock. Honestly, I didn’t even think Clips was that great here (pretty good, but not at his best which says a lot about the standard Clips has set for himself) as much as Verb was just that bad and decidedly corny, clearly writing rhymes that’d get him through the night so he could pick up his paycheck, smirk at the “fools” who paid good money to watch this one-sided affair and quickly bounce back home to St. Louis. To think, for all the claims of a “biased crowd” Verb made after this battle, even Stevie Wonder could see that the crowd more than gave a Verb a chance to spit his bars without interruption. And did Verb really think he had any chance of winning with lame lines like “How the fuck you gonna have all that Harlem flash and you got just toilet swag?” or “All I ask for is that you pay respect and start every round like A…I O U, nigga make sure you go vowel on me”?!? I mean, even the people in Verb’s entourage were struggling to root him on, undoubtedly because even Robert DeNiro couldn’t pull off getting hype to Verb’s weak bars. As a matter of fact props to the guy hollering “Time!” halfway through Verb’s rounds, he seemed to be the only one in the crowd to notice that everyone around him was being robbed.

Verdict: Charlie Clips (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Charlie Clips – “So what I’m supposed to believe? You a gangsta? You bust and squeeze gats? or you fly chrome when it look like your iPhone got a ‘Just For Me’ app?

AR-16 defeats Amzilla

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Synopsis: Nice to see AR-16 at least TRY to combine his wicked freestyle ability with a decent pen game. Hell, maybe if he did so more often he could catch more bodies as he does here against a guy who has no problem admitting that he mixes period juice with his Henny.

Verdict: AR-16 (W) 3-0

Favorite line: AR-16 – “You look like you got that hat from Sears”

Cortez defeats Thesaurus

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Synopsis: No disrespect to The Saurus, a pioneer and true legend of battle rap. But this was no contest as Cortez’s bag of personals, aggressive bars and standout delivery would not deny him the victory.

Verdict: Cortez (W) 3-0

Best line: TheSaurus – “Are you Asian?, they said you were openly in love with math”

Soul Khan defeats J. Fox

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Synopsis: This was unfair, a mismatch from jump with Soul Khan fierce punchlines, potent personals and witty flair totally overwhelming an out-of-his-league J. Fox. Not that it didn’t help any that J. Fox wasn’t just trying to rap on another coast, but against a crowd favorite (who knows how to play to the hometown fans) with pedestrian bars, schemes and personals that would’ve fallen flat no matter where this battle took place.

Verdict: Soul Khan (W) 3-0

Best line: Soul Khan – “After this his chick’s gonna go back to soul’s sack, because you the only dude to make a chick go black then go back”

Dizaster defeats Jerzy Swift

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Recap: A steady stream of nimble bars from his opponent like “I say I got the juice and this nigga Kool Aid, son you mad sweet” allows Dizaster to bring ‘Saddam out the cave’ and go ham with a barrage of glistening freestyles, strong personals, off-the-wall (“I bet your father looks like a Somalian Rob Reiner”) jokes and wild punchlines to add a bodybag to his resume with the headline titled “Jerzy Swift”.

Verdict: Dizaster (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Dizaster – “You’re so wack, after your last round even the crickets were in the background like ‘What the fuck?!'”

B. Magic defeats Profit

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Recap: Getting better and better as his round proceeds B Magic whips out a whole lot of personals, rigid punchlines and haymakers to put a hurting on and catch a body against a clearly overmatched Profit.

Verdict: B Magic (W) 1-0

Favorite line: B Magic – “Beat your ass till my palm hurt, I shit on niggas like I didn’t know the john worked”

Tay Roc defeats Ronnie G

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Recap: Annoyed at the strength of his competition, Tay Roc punishes his subpar (and mixtape using too, judging from the girl in the back of him seemingly reciting his rhymes) opponent Ronnie G here for two rounds with a barrage of boastful punches, local Baltimore wordplay, rigid gun bars and stifling personals to catch a body and keep his hood on notice.

Verdict: Tay Roc (W) 2-0

Favorite line: Tay Roc – “I got extra weapons, I’ll leave ya brains on a wall, looking like some 3rd grader did some Etch a Sketch-ing!”

Charron defeats Tommy Gunz

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Recap: Tourettes Without Regrets 2nd round freestyle battle between Charron and Tommy Gunz with a chick dancing on a stage in the back just in case the battle doesn’t excite you enough, sees Charron not only flexing his off-the-dome skills again, but getting downright mean with it, using a handful of flippant personals in each of the two rounds to easily take the win.

Verdict: Charron (W) 2-0

Favorite line: Charron – “I’m a Holocaust victim, you’re skinnier than Anne Frank!”

Charron defeats Sosh

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Recap: 17yo, armed with a shitload of Asian jokes as well as other sordid personals and clearly able to go on forever with the freestyles, Charron bodies a very underwhelming Sosh for 10 rounds to win the final round of this Tourettes Without Regrets freestyle tournament.

Verdict: Charron (W) 10-0

Favorite line: Charron – “I rhyme profound, this guy’s a clown, you don’t belong in the final round, go back to Chinatown!”

Conceited defeats Jesse James

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Synopsis: Definition of a bodybag. Even worse, word has it James paid for Con to come out to St. Louis so he could battle him. Let’s just hope that if Jesse has kids, they never watch this video of their pops getting slaughtered like this.

Verdict: Conceited (W) 1-0

Best Line: “Even if he living single I’ll run in his crib and dump the desi, kill everybody in that full house, even your uncle, jesse”

QB (Black Diamond) defeats Sara Kana

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Recap: Need further proof that QB has always been (“You’se a faggot rap bitch, you’se a dude with a husband, two niggas fucking in New York, streets is disgusting!”) disrespectful? Check out this early battle against an earnest, but clearly-unable-to-keep-up-with-the-shitstorm-that-hit-her Sara Kana. Indeed, it got so bad for her here that I think Sara retired from battle rap after this.

Verdict: QB (W) 3-0

Favorite line: QB – “I should fuck you up Rosie for trying to impersonate Ricky Lake”

Midwest Miles defeats Rich Dolarz

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Round 2

Round 3

Synopsis: Credit Miles for handling Rich’s choke in a commendable way, other than Tech-9 being so on point, there’s really not much else to say here.

Verdict: Midwest Miles (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Midwest Miles – “You the worst rapper from the Bronx since Drag-On”