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Classic Round

Dizaster defeats Nocando (Rematch)

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Recap: Old battle rap pals/adversaries Nocando and Dizaster matchup in a loud and highly entertaining clash that featured a whole lot of hitting personals, freestyles and wicked bars. Yet, for the most part (and most likely because they knew each other so well) it was Dizaster who seemed to be prepared for everything Nocando had to spit. After Nocando challenged his opponent’s realness (“You’re so much of a botch that if you ran away from home, you’d come home pregnant from the animal shelter”) and authenticity (“You could be a ghostwrider for Flo Rida”) in round 1, Diz rebutted hard with the “You so white bro, you sound like the ghostwriter fro Fort Minor” quip and went on to take the first round with wild anecdotes, winning (“James, whoever gave you your fashion tips, was on 800 acid hits”) personals and crowd-pleasing (“You been a skinny guy since Biggie died”) jokes. Nocando went completely left in round 2 with wild intergalactic tales, juicy personals, hard bars and some dope freestyles, but Diz edged the round with more hitting (“He keeps his pants tight like Kid Twist when it’s dance night”) personals, on-the-spot (”Yeah, go ahead predict the bar! That just shows and confirms the fact that even you know how much of a bitch you are!”) rebuttals and crazy performance bars. Nocando won the 3rd with probably the best lines (“You said I sniff coke with your homies, you have imaginary friends”, “Ooooh, that’s the face your girl makes every time I stick my dick in her, I’m like a constellation and she’s like the Big Dipper”) of the round, but overall too many slight stumbles, a lack of consistency and Diz’s more consistent passion, personal themes and aggression ended up costing him in the end in what was still a dope battle nonetheless.

Verdict: Dizaster (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Dizaster – “You are as dark as Marlon Wayays, but only because you’re also a White Chick”

Iron Solomon defeats E. Ness

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Recap: “I ain’t gonna rap about your background or origin”. Iron Solomon gets behind the wheel and immediately shifts to full throttle with former Da Band member E. Ness standing in the way, dropping (“See Ness makes music that’s blunt guts trash, so when he played his two hits for Puff, Puff passed”) haymakers on his career, landing with punchlines after (“Far as gangsters, you the biggest bitch of the century, this ain’t even my verse, I’m just reading the words to his Wikipedia entry”) punchlines and flexing hard with congenial wordplay and roundhouse bars to put this one away early. And yet the irony here is that while Iron got a 3-0, Ness prevented a body by actually performing pretty solid here, what with a poised flow that helped his delivery, spitting much less filler than you usually see from him and executing bars (“I call dap and doe like it’s John McEnroe, bout to serve his ass back to the White Rapper Show”) along with (“This faggot wear glasses, so fuck the scare tactics, y’all lookin’ at the next contestant on Fear Factor, so from this point on, and here after he should be B.F.Fs with the StairMaster”) personals with the confidence of a vet. That said, judging from Solomon’s over-the-top (“Cause I guess Michael Jordan always needs someone to dunk on, and if I ain’t the Jordan of the shit, there’s no one that’s closer”) cockiness on display throughout this battle, that this matchup would serve as the gist to his own demise a couple of years at the hands of Murda (hey it was Solomon who called him out at the end there) Mook, to some, would only serve him right.

Verdict: Iron Solomon (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Iron Solomon – “I know some spitting pythons who be getting they rhyme on, way better than E. Ness, my list is six guys long, the six men who recite songs better than you is Mysonne and the top five are Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, and Dylan!”

Pat Stay defeats Hollohan

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Recap: A couple of ex-best friends, Hollohan and Pat Stay, battling on the KOTD stage makes for a gang of mean personals, witty barbs and belittling narratives on what being a true friend means. A competitive dance throughout with some fierce punchlines from each battler thrown in, after splitting the first two rounds it’s a more consistently spicy Pat Stay who edges the deciding 3rd round for the win.

Verdict: Pat Stay (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Pat Stay – “And you say you write my shit? Yeah right, I can’t even show my raps to Jeff, shit I be telling him one of my new lines and he’d be like ‘hold up let me grab a pen!'”

Kaboom defeats Tay Roc*

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Recap: Over a decade later and this classic Lionz Den battle between Tay Roc and Kaboom still has a cloud of controversy over its head. The debate centering around whether or not this was a 4-round battle to begun with or if it went the usual 3 rounds with an OT round thanks to the judges or if the 4th round was just Roc and Boom giving the fans an extra round for fun, knowing that it wouldn’t count in the end. I’m going with the latter and got Boom winning this in 3. After all, most Lionz Den battles were 3 rounds long. Then too, the fact that Roc turned around and spit his bars 1st (after going 2nd all through the earlier rounds) in the extra round should tell you that this was a bonus turn. That said the decision here is pretty clear with Roc’s consistently lit, street themed bars handily taking round 1 before an elongated, but aggressive, witty at times, mocking, boastful and punch-heavy Boom clearly took rounds 2 and 3 for the win over what could arguably be seen as two of the two most basic rounds Roc has ever spit. However, let it also be said that Roc’s 4th is a certfied classic with its fiery storytelling, brazen punches and stellar intermixing of noted Philly rappers.

Verdict: Kaboom (W) 2-1, Tay Roc (W) OT

Favorite line: Kaboom – “You wack, your mixtape is a frisbee, take this filthy nigga back to Walt Disney!”

Hollow da Don defeats Big T

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Synopsis: Hollow got the win here, but this battle was a lot closer than people give it credit for as Big T’s round 1 and 2 was pure fire and he definitely provided Hollow with some comp throughout. Still, tho it’s Hollow’s rebuttals, sublime bars (his 3rd round is an undeniable classic) and obviously the fat jokes that kept da Don lit. But then too Big T’s round 3, while equipped with a few shiners, was overall just too long, bland and repetitive (you could say that 7 times).

Verdict: Hollow da Don (W) 2-1

Best line: Hollow da Don – “You could ask my NYB niggas, I’m hot like Jay flow is in Marcy, and you gonna take the L like you about to go to Canarsie”

Math Hoffa defeats T-Rex

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Recap: Long-awaited showdown between T-Rex and Math Hoffa serves as the first ever URL.TV Main Event, making it a classic no matter what went down. That said, overall it’s Rex’s delivery that lets him down (i.e. ‘girl let me thriller’ – ‘Thriller’?; “I be in Math house when I want some head, I’m ass naked in his living room like ‘Math you want some eggs'”?!?) at times, but Rex’s consistent (“Move!, he pissed Rex off, now he seeing tek’s drawn, dots on his Lex door like I’m playing Connect Four”) aggression and a lazy, joke-heavy 2nd round from Math lets Rex even things up after Math got the first with better punches (“I’m like an A-bomb popping off, Molotov, I spit a Molotov cocktail and spit a Holocaust!”) and versatility. Although Rex still had some gritty (“Little sister had a problem with me digging her out, she was so young I made the Airplane noise tp put my dick in her mouth”) bars left at the end, but last round sees Math win it gripping (“No matter who you battle, you never gonna shine ’cause you living in Mook’s shadow”) personals, wild jokes and a richer performance.

Verdict: Math Hoffa (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Math Hoffa – “You should take Viagra, you might get a little taller”

Conceited and Cortez [DEBATABLE]

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Synopsis: No disrespect to Cortez, who came off with a killer instinct throughout here (esp. the BK scheme in round one), enough gumption to enter the last round with the lead. But you could watch this battle for Conceited’s round 3 alone, one of the Top 10 rounds in battle rap history in my opinion. Breaking down Cortez’s over-the-top “rah rah” style, dropping gems on his losses, getting his entourage to go quiet, exquisite punchlines and dope bars, it’s all there, arguably Conceited at his best.

Verdict: TIE

Best line: Conceited – “See I’m flyer than a cockpit, I pick up cats like a chopstick!”

Hollow da Don defeats Illmaculate

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Part 2
Synopsis: From Grind Time, a classic 3rd round by a punch/personal-lit Hollow Da Don that featured a crazy Hulkamania impression gets the Queens, NY battler the win. But let it be noted that Illmac practically gave it up this battle with some wack freestyling after edging round 1.

Verdict: Hollow da Don (W) 2-1

Best line: Hollow da Don – “So why you wanna battle a street nigga?, stick to the computer thugs, cuz you come thru the hood, I’ll smack you down, pat you down…then roof your drugs!”

Charlie Clips defeats Tay Roc

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Synopsis: Not much more can be said about this battle that hasn’t already been spoken. A battle that put Clips on the map and literally gave him “legend” status all the way through to his battle with A-Verb a few years later on URL. As for Tay-Roc, compared to the high-caliber version of Roc that we see now, the version we see here just seemed happy to be there (tho his 1st and 3rd rounds weren’t that bad), which killed the B-more legend’s rep until he’d later take it all out on Kaboom in that famous OT round on the Lion’s Den later down the road. Other than that, peep a confident Clips just dropping fire punch after punch while roasting on Roc for 3 rounds (esp. during a superb and witty round 1) as well as Teyana Taylor in the audience for your added viewing pleasure.

Verdict: Charlie Clips (W) 3-0

Best line: Charlie Clips – “See the reason I go crazy and I be blacking it out, is because my grandmother said, ‘If you lose to this Tay Rock nigga, don’t bring yo ass back in my house'”, What, can you picture me losing for that good-ass cooking? For my grandmom’s I do time in that hood ass booking, he wanna fight I throw a left then a good-ass hook and, have him like, ‘woop-woop!’, you know, when you used to get that good-ass whooping”

Arsonal defeats Hollow da Don

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Synopsis: Da Rebel at his best: loud, aggressive, cocky, disrespectful and a few Hulkamania leg drops to finish off Hollow da Don and get the 3-count. Really, did Hollow just underestimate Arsonal or was he just unprepared? Perhaps both. Because that stunned look da Don got on his face throughout this battle reminds me of the same look Tay Roc had against Charlie Clips. Why this battle even went to overtime served as just another reason why Fight Klub had to go–tho unfair to Arsonal, it did give him a reputation for recycling bars when it should’ve never went to OT in the first place

Verdict: Arsonal (W) 4-0

Best line: Arsonal – “Last week I saw your rap sheet, you had one charge…wandering”

Aye Verb defeats SB

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Recap: Classic battle between Aye Verb (visiting NY to battle for the first time) and SB (a last-minute replacement for Head Ice) on a cold night on the streets of Harlem with Murda Mook hosting. While SB kicks a plethora of braggadocio rhymes, until his preeminent (“I’ll strap a bomb to your waist and make you in your crib and blow it up”) 3rd round, most of his bars are pretty standard stuff. On the other hand, with a host of animated gun bars, heated (“Catch this nigga at the check cashing, snatch his chain and give it back to him, tell him I just was practicing!”) personals and dope punchlines, a confident Verb not only does St. Louis proud, but kicks off what would be the beginning of the infamous Midwest movement into Smack/URL.

Verdict: Aye Verb (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Aye Verb – “Shots point-blank range…BANG!!! he fucked….his soul flying, I’m still firing, even his guardian angels duck!”

Serius Jones and Murda Mook [DEBATABLE]

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Synopsis: Instead of the Lux vs. Mook rematch, it’s these two who I’d love to see square off again. That’s how close this legendary battle is, as Serius Jones and Mook showcase not only their tremendous talent, but their serious (no pun intended) dislike for each other. Jones’ first round is classic: storytelling, personals (“Your government name is Johnathan Ancrum/He went to Fordham Prep Catholic, that’s a private school”) and righteous snaps. But Mook brings it right back with aggressive bars, hilarious anecdotes (“Smack called me [while] I was getting some head, [said] we got a victim and it might involve you getting some bread…”) and noted Harlem swag (backed up by the entire 116th block that he apparently brought with him). The fun continues in round two as the two rappers continue to spit dope lines (Mook: “He probably ain’t wanna battle, just wanted to meet me in person”) while showcasing their competitive fab at times by finishing off each other rhymes. The last round has Serius continuing to go hard while showing off his infamous free-style ability, afterwards Mook continues to air out Serius’ street cred. However, while Serius’ rebuttals, nasty bars (“If you wanna get his bitch to run a train, just get her a sandwich from Subway and a Metrocard”) and off-the dome barbs are straight sick, it’s Mook’s closing “dot” scheme that will live on in infamy. I got the 1st round as a tie, Mook edging the 2nd and Serius taking the 3rd. All told, a classic battle.

Verdict: Serius Jones and Murda Mook (TIE)

Best line: Murda Mook – “We got barrels so long, you see ’em you pledge allegiance” AND Serius Jones – “Talking about coke?! The last time this nigga’ shaved an onion he was in his kitchen on Thanksgiving making stuffing”