No Bias. No Narratives.
Recap: The Real Ace Boogie gets an ‘A’ for effort, but the lack of intricacy within his bars stood no chance against the fiery personals, punches and 4-bars set-ups of Rum Nitty.
Verdict: Rum Nitty (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Rum Nitty – “You pass wack, a nigga need to die, play the herb, I get mad, snap. let an eagle fly…angry bird!”
Recap: From Cartel Life, a bunch of pretty solid punches, fiery gun bars, modest name flips and hitting personals from O’fficial gets her all 3 rounds over a raucous, but not quite as consistently hitting or versatile Yung Nite.
Verdict: O’fficial (W) 3-0
Favorite line: O’fficial – “I’m Bruh Man, holding up that .4 to let that 5th flow [floor]!”
Recap: While this battle will mostly be remembered for all the Spanish/Mexican jokes Tay Roc spit at Cortez (which is out of ordinary for a gun bar fiend like Roc), it’s definitely one of those battles can upon a first look could be seen as highly debatable–yet it’s not just what shows up on the stat sheet that decides who won and who loss and this one of those examples. I got Roc taking the 1st round as while Cortez stayed aggressive and dropped a few (“I’m cooking rock [Roc], but ain’t nothing crack about you”) shiners, for the most part his bars contained too much filler and were just average in potency. On the other Roc had perhaps his best round with nice wordplay, aggressive gun bars and better (“These bullets play Temple Run, why get the phone app?”) punches throughout. Cortez stepped it up in the second round coming harder with the performance, feelgood Dot Mobb personals (“You ain’t a hustler, how’d you hustle and move keys?, you’ze a worker, you got 5 hundred for QP’s”) and this time hitting with more force on the wordplay and friendly (“You in the building but Randy’s taking your house payments”) tutorials. For Roc’s part, while his battle rapper name schemes in round two worked, they could’ve used against anybody. Better instead was Roc’s ethnic lines (“I’ll do a Mexican dirty, I’m desperado with that guitar case”) even if he had the wrong race (which Tez effectively rebutted in round 3). Round 3 saw Cortez set the tone challenging Roc to go ‘bar for bar’ and winning with gems like “Look me in the eyes I’m like God, I’m taking caps off, they type small” and witty (“Let’s talk about his clique, a bunch of ass-grabbers, none of them ashamed, it makes sense because all cavemen cuddle by a flame”) personals that even had Roc smirking. Roc’s 3rd was nice and had some hard-hitting bars, but some of his lines were a little too predictable (esp. with the continued Mexican jokes) and featured schemes (esp. the “Cortezmanian devil”) that didn’t hit at all. Close throughout, but Cortez edges it.
Verdict: Cortez (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Tay Roc – “Rex and K-Shine, I spar with them, it’s no comp with him, I’ll target him, I go harder than 8,000 army men, a tank and a ship, airplane, I’ll Pearl Harbor him”
Recap: DNA’s 1st apperarance for the UK’s Don’t Flop league is an impressive one as the Queens, NY battler flexes during a condensed trio of rounds with a barrage of pinpoint name flips, hard-hitting personals, righteous banter, fire rebuttals and stinging punchlines/4-bar set-ups to take the opening rounds (call the 3rd debatable) and earn the win over Sensa who while serving up 3 rounds of gritty raps, outside of round 3 often times took too long to get to the punch, when he wasn’t spitting one too many pedestrian lines.
Verdict: DNA (W) 2-1
Favorite line: DNA – “Now I’d like to commend Sensa’s opponent’s, ‘cuz they spit a lot of clever lines on you, I’m just trying to figure out how you ain’t rich in London when you got all those pounds on you!”
Recap: Displaying some wit and some fire bars, Lil Decent was…decent, until he choked, 1st in the second round and surprisingly again in the 3rd. That’s a bodybag for Stuey Newton, who with some potent schemes, steely, aggressive bars, nice gun bars and a few Martin jokes, had this one in the bank anyway, even if he did rap too long in the 3rd.
Verdict: Stuey Newton (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Stuey Newton – “I ain’t gonna lie tho, I feel kinda bad for murking you, ‘cuz that peach fuzz said you just hit puberty and I know your ID still vertical!”
Synopsis: Hey, John John was actually pretty original here, what with his own consistently nice bars, some fresh wordplay, funny personals and wait for it….a WHOLE battle without recycling someone’s bars. But despite the occasional struggle with is delivery when you’re dropping haymaker (“You a African American, that lost to a white man on Black Entertainment Television”) after haymaker (“Walk up to the body, give him that ‘Is he dead kick?'”) after haymaker (“another 6 foot nigga’ with a death wish, sawed off shotty shooting out breadsticks”) along with dope name flips while mocking JJDD’s style carried with consistent aggression as K-Shine reps here, you really don’t stand much of a chance.
Verdict: K-Shine (W) 2-1
Best Line: K-Shine – “Straight out of Locash stupid lil nigga named John John, Twin 40’s got em looking like pom poms, have this nigga sticking up, Einstein, that 6 clap push his wig back call him bron bron”
WTF: Yeah that’s Bow Wow on the stage in the hoodie supporting John John.
Recap: A spitfire beverage scheme in the 2nd round by Cali Smoov is the highlight of this 3-round AHAT battle. But overall, against the mostly subpar raps of Juice, Smoov really didn’t need much more than the aggressive heaters and the earnest, but daunting punchlines that he rolled up with to make his brief hiatus from battle rap a successful one.
Verdict: Cali Smoov (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Cali Smoov – “All my heaters like shell-toe Adidas…a shell in the front!”
Recap: Specializing in rampant mayhem that even includes your kids when he’s not doing everything he can to destroy the nuclear family, a sociopathic Danny Myers out-punches opponent Louie V for 3 rounds in this mostly one-sided battle from AHAT.
Verdict: Danny Myers (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Danny Myers – “Your baby mother ain’t nuthin’ but a ho to creep, but I quit fucking her ‘cuz your son never go to sleep!”
Synopsis: One could see why Ah Di Boom would be a bit upset at this matchup, which takes place early in his career and is clearly a less polished (and even less animated) version of the Boom we see now. Whatever the case, you battle the guy in front of you, and in this case, Boom’s filler was no match for prez mafia’s swag, consistency, delivery and righteous bars.
Verdict: prez mafia (W) 1-0
Best line: prez mafia – “It’s time to get slim because I bet you you stink, I’ll give you a brick right here if you face your fears right now and down a whole vegetable drink”
Recap: A home league battle drenched with a lot of personals gets deciphered on the quality of the bars instead of what’s true or not true. That said, as much as J. Juice’s street flow came off unique and biting, R Streez’s versatility and his ability to spout more haymaker’s, got him this one.
Verdict: R Streetz (W) 1-0
Favorite line: R Streetz – “I’ll give him a buck-fifty like I’m riding the bus!”
Recap: One of the best performances you’ll see from Arsonal, gets done for via his own doing: being too lengthy (and no, we’re talking filler, but redundancy). Indeed, with a near equal amount of haymakers as his just-as-vibrant, witty, personal-lit, mayhem-bent and lyrically sharp opponent Shotty Horror in a battle that should go down as one of the best of the year, it’s a more condensed Shotty who edges the first two rounds for the win, before Arsonal matches quality with excess quantity during a highly entertaining (on both sides) superb 3rd round (that included a spitfire alphabet scheme from Ars) to avoid the shutout.
Verdict: Shotty Horroh (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Shotty Horror – “U Are Ill, that’s why u hate Smack!”
Recap: Although he got better as the round progressed, a slow start and elongated set-ups spoil any chance Yung Skillz (who did in fact have an impromptu battle against DNA a couple of years back) has to take this one from an ever-confident, consistent, witty and punchline-heavy J. Murda.
Verdict: J. Murda (W) 1-0
Favorite line: J. Murda – “I was with a BB gun, and now we use real steel like Hugh Jackman”
Recap: Too much extra shit in the room somewhat spoils a good matchup between Hazey and Nuborn. Both rappers connect with nice punchlines, schemes and fleeting personals throughout, but Nuborn spazzed a little harder and used more angles. And despite negatively adding to his reputation by slipping-up (and bizarrely complaining about his opponent’s time limit) again, you can partly blame all the distractions and interruptions for this one.
Verdict: Nuborn (W) 1-0
Favorite line: Nuborn – “Nigga you so fat you look like you snore when you wide awake”
Recap: Chris Kane came with plenty of biting personals (which QP rebuked), but drawn-out schemes and basic bars wasn’t enough to beat QP’s hitting bars even on a day he put in that light work…literally.
Verdict: QP (W) 1-0
Favorite line: QP – “You worse than Udonis Haslem because you hold down that Heat for nothing”
Synopsis: Certainly O-Solo was always entertaining in Fight Klub and there’s no way one can’t appreciate Arsonal’s dedication to Jersey (even he’s since moved to Louisiana and now Atlanta), but from jumpstreet this had bodybag written all over it and sadly that’s all it ended up being. If anything this is a lesson in leaving whatever little hometown respect your legacy has…to ya hometown.
Verdict: Swave Sevah (W) 3-0
Best line: Swave Sevah – “My nigga I’m a real nigga fam, I attack from a different standpoint, so fuck all these alien sound effects, talk to me in your man voice”
WTF Moment: That gay-ass slap on the back from O-Solo’s hypeman in round 2.
Recap: Punchlines, mayhem, fiery schemes/name flips and personals galore make JC versus AQ (aka Amazin Quality) an entertaining 3-round battle. But a more intricate, less predictable, potent and wordplay/gun bar-heavy JC does more than enough in the first two rounds to take each one in the end.
Verdict: JC (W) 2-1
Favorite line: JC – “Now go ahead and start some shit, you gonna see me spark some shit and that Tommy gonna get his crib cleared out like it got Martin pissed!”
Synopsis: Really, what’s not to like about T-Rex since he lost to Math Hoffa a couple of years ago? After all, an inspired Rex belongs in anyone’s Top 5, what with swag, attitude and “grown man” bars (“them shotgun shells is red and lime green, when I squeeze it look like a Gucci crime scene”) that only a true vet knows how to bring. Add everybody’s favorite Summer Madness punching bag, A-Verb (who wasn’t as bad here as he was the year before against Charlie Clips, if that’s saying much) to the mix and Diddy dropping $10K on that 2nd round, and all you’re left with is quality battle rap perfection (well, except for that ass-grabbing).
Verdict: T-Rex (W) 3-0
Best line: T-Rex – “I’ll ride through Verb hood and get his whole team wet, ayo Diddy, I’ma confess to the body 10 years later, I’m like G-Dep!”
Instant classic: Tec-9’s “Get that nigga Rex!!!”
Recap: X-Factor looks on as Jay Rell scores another easy victory on his way to the URL/Proving Grounds.
Verdict: Jay Rell (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Jay Rell – “You have 15 battles and 9 losses, that’s not the kind of record he should celebrate, You know what him and Detroit public schools got in common?, they both a 70 percent failure rate”
Recap: Good battle, great energy on both sides throughout and Nov came especially hard in round 1, but Big Kannon’s ability to spit rebuttals, his creativity in battling the ‘fro and his more consistently hot bars in addition to a stellar performance gave him the win.
Verdict: Big Kannon (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Big Kannon – “….His uncle, dad, brother and nephew, gotdammit you got pussy all in your genes [jeans] your like a camel toe”
Recap: Quick 1-rounder featuring Pottstown, PA battler Driese against Norristown, PA battler Bill Collector is a rapid and gritty punchfest that the more consistently hard-hitting BC handily wins to take one home for his city.
Verdict: Bill Collector (W) 1-0
Favorite line: Bill Collector – “You don’t even be outside, you in the window, binoculars, nosy ass, neighborhood watch!”
Synopsis: To think, how many people used to respect E. Ness’ grind back in the day when he battled Jay Millz on MTV and walked all the way to Brooklyn to get that cheeseburger for Puff on Making The Band. Then some years later he works his way up to and receives “legends” status here, returns on a card and disrespects DNA all throughout his rounds, while expecting to win a battle where he spouts what is arguably the worst line in battle rap history?!? That shit is just nutty. To think, we’ve seen way better from DNA who was just alright here. Thus, the body comes from Ness being that bad.
Verdict: DNA (W) 3-0
Worst line: E-Ness – “I’m crazier than crazy glue!”
Recap: Versatile and landing hard throughout with the fiery personals, rapid punchlines and gritty schemes, Cityy Towers gets the win by taking the 1st and 3rd round here over an aggressive and /scheme/punch-steady, but inconsistent Lexx Luthor.
Verdict: Cityy Towers (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Cityy Towers – “I’ll hit him with that ‘k’, just to show him I don’t text back!”
Recap: In a totally one-sided matchup, the very basic and pedestrian bars of C-Boy Folgaz whittle down to lint when put up against a slow-to-start-but-eventually turned-up Young Kannon’s fiery gun bars and relentless punchlines.
Verdict: Young Kannon (W) 1-0
Favorite line: Young Kannon – “Your bitch gave me the fish, I went ham on that tilapia!”
Recap: In a battle for the name ‘Jay”….kidding. Jay Rell ventures outside of Detroit to get some competition and finds it in St. Louis’ Jayrone (who apparently doesn’t believe in not showing disloyalty in front of an outsider when he throws a few shots at Yung Ill), a hard spitter capable of tossing out that street (“I’m awfully hot, I start schemes plots for you small-ski twats”) shit along with plenty of guns bars and even a rebuttal here and there. Yet despite some stumbles here and there, Rell stays on point with enough jokes, punchlines and quality bars to win rounds 1 and 3 and take a win back to the D.
Verdict: Jay Rell (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Jay Rell – “You sleep under the Arch, you tell bitches you got incredible views!”
Synopsis: No disrespect to Mickey Factz, but I wouldn’t be so quick to call this battle a “classic”, yet it was still a dope and competitive barfest nonetheless. That said, while both Tone Montana and Super Writer dropped sizzling bars and more than represented for their camps, the choice here goes to Tone for being a little more consistently subpar (the DMX impression killed and the temple scheme was straight dope) throughout his rounds as opposed to Superwriter–that said this battle should’ve been 3 rounds.
Verdict: Tone Montana (W) 1-0
Best line: Super Writer – “At home Tone get on porn chats for the live chatting, baby oil in his left hand and his right spazzing, while smoking weed so you a terrorist ’cause you hi-jacking”
Part 2
Synopsis: “You make the worst life decisions!” Here’s why John John da Don gets hated on: stealing other people’s bars and for making ass-backwards decisions with his career like this one. I mean the idea that John John (or someone in his camp) thought it’d be a step forward to go back to “106 & Park” and battle after coming off what was easily his most popular battle with Hitman Holla, just makes absolutely no sense. Zip. None. Nada. Battling on 106 & Park is a beginners move, not something you do when you’re already established. And for that JJDD got what he deserved: a bodybag from some unknown white dude on Black Entertainment Television.
Verdict: Voss (W) 2-0
Best line: Voss – “I ain’t lying with those ears you could probably feed Mike Tyson for a year”
Synopsis: The underrated T Money Bagz pulls off an upset against S.O.N.S. vet Heartless who besides slipping up in the first round, just couldn’t deliver enough punchlines, metaphors and wordplay to keep up with Bagz’ aggression, storytelling and potent bars.
Verdict: T Money Bagz (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Heartless – “Man I heard about you and that little boy, you oughtta be ashamed that nigga was nine, Michael Jackson, you was all in Billy’s jeans, trying to Beat It, Bad, but you Remember the Time”
Synopsis: This battle really comes down to who won the 1st round, because Clips (clearly, no debating!) won 2nd round while Jones (clearly, no debating!!!) won the 3rd. With that said, here’s why I think Serius got the ‘W’ here: his “Yeah, nine years ago I was a barber, so you know I know how to handle clips” rebuttal at the beginning of round one, while short, cancelled all of Clips barbershop jokes and in my book rebuttals earn you extra brownie points. Combine that with Clips choking at the end of round 3 (mind you, Clips is a freestyle king and in my book choking not only loses you the round, but earns you some demerits too), while you still have a classic battle, but give it to Serius by a nose.
Verdict: Serius Jones (W) 2-1
Best line: Charlie Clips – the whole house scheme was straight fire
Recap: That “smell like a free clinics” line in round 2 by 40 B.A.R.R.S. here was mean…and funny. And damn if 40 didn’t kill that 3rd round, name flip-spazzing and punching with authority throughout what was a spitfire turn. Then too, for all the heat 40 took for those chilling personals towards Tori Doe on the topic of abortion? Hey, it’s battle rap. On the other side of things, she might just be 85 pounds, but when she’s on her A-game Tori Doe can spit like a giant. Indeed, in this fierce QOTR 3-rounder, Tori straight stunted on her opponent throughout the battle with a versatile, consistently spicy, performance-rich, NYC-scheme lit, brazen, condensed and personally salacious showing that with nary a dry spot edged her the first couple of rounds for the win.
Verdict: Tori Doe (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Tori Doe – “I’ll flash the heat on this old bitch so quick she’ll think it was menopause!”
Recap: An undeniable classic, JC versus Chilla Jones served as the pinnacle of new, hungry and younger talent with a knack for substance, versatility and flexing wordplay with their bars. Starting with a superb 1st round, both battlers would display tremendous moxie with their lines with an uber-confident JC dropping a series of stinging (“I’ma tell this fag actor once: get out of line, pass or bump, I’ma react with the fastest punch, they ain’t gon’ have no choice but to turn this bitch from Smack to Snuff!”) punchlines when he wasn’t dishing some hard-hitting name flipping and prodigious mayhem. However, having already shown himself to be one of the better schemers in the game, Chilla wouldn’t disappoint, the Boston spitter spouting a gang of spitfire schemes, ripping personals and roundhouse (“You rep Pontiac on that G shit, but you don’t own a gun, liar, so I’ma give this G six for y’all thinkin’ that son fire!”) punches to edge round 1 before JC would take advantage of a couple of dry spots from his opponent and come through with a (“It’s an honor for you to meet me, I’m the next problem, run in your crib, pop your mom: I’m your step father!”) punch-heavy and while making fun of Chilla’s rap style, a mockingly sanguine turn to edge the 2nd round. Tied going into the 3rd round of a battle that already had the crowd buzzing throughout, both battlers would step it up during their final turns with a boatload of piercing darts, sizzling wordplay, more heavy-handed schemes from Chilla and stunted gun bars from JC. Yet,with an astute and (“What, you gon’ flip and spazz out? Bitch, don’t try us, there’s four niggas in each car with about six mo’ riders, we heavy armed, like Precious, extend mo’ fire!”) haymaker-drenched 3rd that was flawless in its execution (i.e., a classic), despite another pretty solid turn by (“See, this a loss you shoulda planned for, but we all know you’re good with defeat [da feet], we all seen you on the dance floor!”) Jones, it’s JC who earns the win here.
Verdict: JC (W) 2-1
Favorite line: JC – “I’m tryna get his whole strip wet, he was cruising till his ship wrecked, hit me, you gon’ get hit next, stomp him but leave him choices, Timberland or Nike? Face the tree or get chin checked?!”
Recap: Yeah, it’s Dizaster versus a professional comedian in Rick Glassman. But it’s a hosted battle and the freestyles dished from both battlers during the 2 rounds were authentic. And while Glassman for the most part didn’t seem to take the battle as seriously as his opponent, Diz’s off-the-dome, roasting session zingers still helped him put another ‘W’ in the win column.
Verdict: Dizaster (W) 2-0
Favorite line: Dizaster – “Look at this muthafucka looking at me like he ain’t cool, you’re scaring me bro, you look like you’re about to shoot up a school!”
Recap: Yeah, I gotta agree: taking care of your family is a much bigger priority than fixing your teeth. Still, for all his sometimes witty, but redundant tooth jokes, a mostly tepid X-Factor, while seemingly having the tools (personals, jokes, etc.), just didn’t know what to do with O-Red, who with a fiery barrage of mocking personals, fire schemes and fierce punchlines/wordplay, took out his opponent’s moxie early, left him talking to himself and left with an easy win.
Verdict: O-Red (W) 3-0
Favorite line: O-Red – “I’m a muthafuckin’ boss, Rick Ross couldn’t see O [C.O.]!”
Recap: Good battle, liked the aggressive bars, delivery and execution with both, too bad Push Pax saved his best round for his 3rd as I had Show Off edging the 1st and clearly taking the 2nd.
Verdict: Show Off (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Show Off – “And I ain’t spitting B.I.G when I say ‘Gimme the Loot’, like I’ll December 25th ’em, clap, shell from the biscuit fell, blast scorch knock half off, that’s a Christmas sale”
Recap: In an aggressive battle that might as well have been a 3-way what with all the QB (Black Diamond) mentions, after a debatable 1st round that saw Streamz raucous bangers hit with enough effect to equal Bonnie Godiva’s punch-lit, but not always direct (again, blame QB who happened to be in the audience) go-around, Bonnie gets the win via a series of hard-hitting personals, piercing punchlines/storytelling bars and fiery schemes to handily take both of the latter rounds over her still grimy, but much less substantive opponent.
Verdict: Bonnie Godiva (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Bonnie Godiva – “The only time you ever held a gun? Price check!”
Recap: Full of conviction with his raps, while unloading a versatile mix of spicy punches, witty barbs and fiery schemes, Lynx Montana’s effort here could never be question. But damn if the Puerto-Rican rapper didn’t run into a B-Magic that was on his A-game throughout this 3-rounder from Scheme Street. The St. Louis battler consistently in his bag with a gang of piercing punchlines, some sizzling wordplay, steely mayhem and for the 3rd round only, jaunty name flips to earn a 30.
Verdict: B-Magic (W) 3-0
Favorite line: B-Magic – “Boy, you think you’re on ya grizzly with these gay schemes, you’ll get more hawks when I go rampage on A-team, still lying in front of ya temple like Beijing!”
Recap: Showing off some superb bar execution and fine set-ups/breakdowns, all the while ridiculing his opponent Arsonal’s alleged lack of bar efficiency throughout the bout, mixing in some witty barbs, rough bully talk, stinging personals (esp. during a and performance-rich punches (not including some shots at the Dot Mobb crew), Math Hoffa flexes with a versatile game of bullish lyrical heat (esp. during a potent round 2 where he took shots at Arsonal and Murda Mook) to beat back a punch-bent and witty at times, but mostly pedestrian and elongated Arsonal for all 3 rounds of this main event matchup from UW Battle League.
Verdict: Math Hoffa (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Math Hoffa – “You did the ABC’s in your last battle, that’s why I feel blessed we could meet, ‘cuz I got a question…could you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?!”
Synopsis: Even a tired JC can drop enough dope bars and punchlines to beat a way-too-cocky rapper who continually goes past the time limits, uses a horrible “state” scheme.and disrespects his opponent’s skills throughout the battle. Just not hospitable.
Verdict: JC (W) 2-1
Favorite line: JC – “You need a judge, I’ll be him, somebody get this man, he don’t know what reppin’ [weapon] his state ment is till he hit the witness stand, but you will be put to the test if I see the defenses jam, there’s no witness, so you get sentenced soon as you bang that hammer, you finish yo last sentence…”
Synopsis: Ah Di Boom edges Nova Greezy with better creativity (that 2-finger gun scheme was nice), performance and wordplay.
Verdict: Ah Di Boom (W) 1-0
Favorite line: Ah Di Boom – “What you trying to rock?, I should show you guns and roses, you beefing with me, you better have lungs {breathes} like Moses”
Synopsis: Tech-9 (who just looks like he doesn’t have the same hunger for battle rap as he used to) needs to come up with a better ending to his rounds than calling opponents “clown-ass dickheads”–for example, he could just yell “Time!” Besides that Bill Collector got this, putting on a better performance, mixed in with funny impressions, some nice bars/crowd pleasers (“….Bill Collector who you stabbed? Carlton Banks!”) and probably becoming the first battle rapper to spit his bars while sitting down. Now that’s historic.
Verdict: Bill Collector (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Bill Collector – “Baby mom the bomb, nominate her for best knees”
Recap: Really, it’s not that serious. Here we find what looked to be building up to a decent battle between T Top and R Streetz, get spoiled by heads in the crowd taking things a little too personally. Reminder: it’s a rap battle people and heads who can’t differentiate between entertainment and real life shit could do us all a favor by just staying home.
Verdict: TIE
Favorite line: T Top – “The armor clap will send this army brat back to Iraq”
Recap: In battle rap, a veteran giving a new blood a shot goes all the way back to the legendary Busy Bee famously letting Kool Moe Dee get on the mike to roast him after one of Bee’s performances in what was alleged to have been the 1st one-on-one battle ever. So all these years later, Hitman Holla providing up-n-comer John John Da Don with a shot on the big Webster Hall stage just continues a long-standing tradition. But unlike the fabled Moe Dee vs. Busy Bee battle, outside of a pretty dope and highly entertaining 1st round from both battlers, this one was a bit of a letdown as both Hitman and JJDD suffered from a boatload of pedestrian bars and subpar angles that even led to some boos from the crowd in the latter rounds. Ironically, with a punchline-heavier JJDD taking the 2nd round and practically giving away the 3rd round by spending half his turn delivering some tedious pontifications to Holla, it’s the 1st round that would end up deciding this battle. And the edge here goes to Hitman, the St. Louis vet standing out with a classic turn that featured some dope punchlines/schemes, sublime crowd control, stunting anecdotes/wordplay, performance-heavy heat, witty personals and a seismic/patented remix that altogether when placed head-to-head against JJDD’s hard-hitting at times, personal-lit and scheme-heavy, but also a bit of an imitative turn that would lose him the round and the battle.
Verdict: Hitman Holla (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Hitman Holla – “Cock that 4-5 like fuck it, give him 9 more, turn his apple to seeds, see what they call him John for, Johnny Appleseed]s all over, bring the pine, boy, shout out to my nigga, free Hollow, he ain’t Da Don boy!”
Recap: In this 3-rounder from Alliance Battle League, the standard, braggadocio raps of Yung Bank$ quickly melt in the face of Stuey Newton’s sizzling schemes, potent name flips and hitting punches.
Verdict: Stuey Newton (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Stuey Newton – “You look like a nigger who owe money, so I’m a do ya like a nigger who owe money [so] if I find out that you owe money, I’m a come rob you and put a hit out on you with your own money!”
Recap: Despite a few witty barbs and nice punches here and there, too many slip-ups and pedestrian bars from Squeako, leaves Ave with a whole lot of room to do work, which he pulls off with a boatload of rapid fire punchlines, stinging personals and gritty tutorial raps to get an easy win in this 3-rounder from 7 Cities Sharks.
Verdict: Ave (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Ave – “You washed and you look just like Bosh…before the Heat deal!”
Recap: Here we find that lyrically Calicoe doesn’t so much outshine Metta as he does aggressively and performance-wise with more heat in his rounds per bar than his opponent.
Verdict: Calicoe (W) 2-0
Favorite line: Calicoe – “You one of those gay crooks that be a lookout for your boys during a robbery, and be in the hood bragging about what they took”
Recap: In this 1-rounder versus K-Shine, Anymal gets off to a gritty and solid (liked the ‘you tried to refund a tattoo’ line) start before suddenly choking, leaving Shine’s turn of righteous name flips, rigid personals and fiery punches with an easy win.
Verdict: K-Shine (W) 1-0
Favorite line: K-Shine – “The camera crew, people that’s viewing you and the watchers know, I’m a leave here with Animal on my back, I’m King Jaffe Jo!”
Synopsis: With his size and girth it’s easy to see why Suge would choose the “bully” lane while battling. But putting aside what he’s really done (or not done) outside the battle arena, not showing up in Detroit a couple of years ago after that disrespectful and distasteful Proof diss was another huge stain on his battle career and even his ghetto pass. Thus, seeing Swave pull Shotgun’s bully card throughout this battle had to be a delight for anyone outside of Jersey.
Verdict: Swave Sevah (W) 3-0
Best line: TIE – Shotgun Suge: “Swave you came with those gargles like you ready for combat, no, you wear glasses because you scared of contact” and Swave Sevah – “I bet if he read something out loud it would make all us laugh, the type of nigga you text him right and he’ll call you back!”
Instant classic: Math Hoffa cutting through the crowd and coming out on stage after being called out by Suge.
Synopsis: Sorry, but this battle doesn’t get near enough credit for being pretty damn good. Yet that’s clearly due to all the Mook haters out there who refuse to give Mook props even when he brings his a-game. In addition ($30k combined non-withstanding), there’s plenty of plotlines and subliminals at play here to keep you entertained throughout. Like why it made much more sense for Mook to battle Math (or even Cassidy) here. Or Mook’s ingenious schemes. Or the 5 rounds being “too much” for a “legend” who hadn’t appeared on a battle stage in years and clearly had a lot of shit to get off his chest? Or how during the battle Cassidy crosses over from Solomon’s side to Mook’s. Or how disappointing Iron’s performance was here (tho he did have his moments). Or how Mook came at Smack in round 1. Or how Mook seemed to really be mad how Iron treated E. Ness in their battle not too long back. Or Mook adequately addressing all the haters and fellow battle rappers in round 4. Or all the borderline racist punchlines throughout. Or the biased crowd. Or the skittles. Or Diddy throwing in the towel after round 3. Or how Mook broke down Iron’s whole overrated career…which ended up getting him the W here, the personals were just too much.
Verdict: Murda Mook (W) 5-0
Best line: No so much a line, but Mook bringing this epic fail up during the battle was a lesson on how important it is to do your research on an opponent.
Instant classic: Mook telling the whole world that Solomon has one testicle.
Recap: Wittier with the pen and extra hard (and consistent) with his punches/personals, Boogie beats back a solid overall, but not as potent O’fficial in this 1-rounder from GotBarzTV.
Verdict: Boogie (W) 1-0
Favorite line: Boogie – “I love your thighs, but this chicken head is where I spread my duck sauce!:
Recap: Gwapo’s monotonous flow isn’t helped by his mostly lackluster rhymes, thus giving D Money’s more colorful bars, esp. in rounds 1 and 2, an easy win despite his shortened 3rd.
Verdict: D Money (W) 2-1
Favorite line: D Money – “I got a fact about his track, for starters he was all off-beat, rhyming on some sloppy shit, the type of nigga to steal his own bars, let’s just say he like to copy shit!”
Recap: Surviving a 1st round choke as well as opponent’s Tez witty barbs (that included some social media exposing in round 3) and gritty personals throughout the match, Piranha gets back on his grind with a spicy Looney Tunes scheme and a series of consistently nice, rapid fire punches in the latter rounds to beat back the less formidable Tez for the win.
Verdict: Piranha (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Piranha – “Speaking of rappers, this nigga talking like he extra ill?, this what Meek Mill would look like without the record deal!”
Recap: Two top tier emcees with the ability to readily mix in searing bully bars, fierce punchlines with adept wit in their bars, Pat Stay and Head ICE battle to a highly entertaining draw on the KOTD stage with an equal amount of haymakers making round 1 a tie, before a more gamely comedic, personal-driven and consistently fire Stay edges the 2nd. Down one going into the 3rd, ICE makes what would be his longest round count with some classic stunting that was backed by some salacious (“You’ll get chased in my hood, I’ll put money on it, just for stepping in them Esco jeans with your spandex shirt like ‘Let’s go eat!'”), punches to beat back a solid, but elongated and beatable turn by Pat and force a tie.
Verdict: TIE
Favorite line: Pat Stay – “I mean it’s just weird, he gets charged with a felon, but his record is crystal clear, it’s like he slipped and dropped in quicksand, he fell and [felon] he disappeared!”
Recap: Honestly, what more can be said about this battle? Indeed, in what would not only turn out to be one of the greatest battle rap matches of all-time, but the witnessing of a man who rarely battles, Loaded Lux, be elevated to ‘God’ status amongst the entire battle rap community (and famously get quoted from the likes of Jay-Z) for his sterling performance here (and that’s even after Lux choked in his 1st round), this battle even had superstars within the hip-hop elite impressed, all the same elevating the battle rap platform as a whole. Of course, Calicoe has no one to blame but himself for being on the other end of Lux’s newfound status, as he was the one who had the gall to call Lux out of retirement in the first place–getting ‘Grey Hoodie Lux’ so amped and motivated to come through that he not only dressed up in a tux for the bout, but literally brought a whole funeral party with him. Still to be fair, throughout the years Cal has regularly shown that his bravado can rarely be questioned and coming off an epic 3-0 win versus Math Hoffa, why shouldn’t Cal at least ask for Lux?
That said, no sense wasting time by getting into semantics here. This was a clear 2-1 victory for Lux and despite a scheme-heavy Cal being pretty (“It don’t matter if you loaded Lux, when that gun on safety!”; “The first nigga who he got his his back, gonna die fronting!”) ) solid throughout (that is, when he wasn’t wasting bars spitting about other battlers). Yet, Cal only got the first round thanks to the aforementioned choke, which somewhat speaks volumes to the stratospheric level Lux was on here (one could certainly argue that the only reason Lux choked is because he got so caught in the emotion of the raucous crowd celebrating his return to the stage–regardless, it still counts tho).
Indeed, Lux’s eternal catchphrase of “You gon’ get this work!” was on total display on this night, systematically deconstructing his opponent throughout the battle with highly crafted personals, O.G. (“That’s why when I look up at you, I see what he can go through when a father don’t take the time!; “Your pops wasn’t no gangster, he was just another lost nigga!”) lessons on life and the pursuit of happiness, epic (“Look at him, emotional!”) showmanship, finite (“Let me bring that back ‘cuz I need y’all to grasp it, ain’t it evil to live backwards?!”) crowd control, ample wit, idealistic (“A rap league of tyrants and a child being defiant, oh, I’m in battle mode!”) set-ups, sizzling braggadocio lines, the legendary (“You’ve got some explaining to do, can we address the crowd?, Exhibit A, so that’s how Detroit gangstas do? Skinny dipping gone wild?!”) screen prop and of course, a roundhouse of potent bars and classic quotables…all without a single gun bar. Altogether, that’s not just phenomenal, it’s a clear ass-whipping.
Verdict: Loaded Lux (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Loaded Lux – “You niggas came here playing, it’s cool, but y’all gon’ leave giving head counts, they didn’t even book you nigga’s rooms, I told ’em Harlem Hospital giving beds out!”
Recap: What with there being so many filthy acronym’s available to spit against a battle rapper who name’s himself ‘LB’, you just had to know that the guy probably doesn’t take the sport too seriously. And with Saint Mic wrapping circles around his no substance and slip-up prone opponent with thematic wordplay and fiery/speedy punchlines, to suggest that LB consider some other hobby to fill his down time wouldn’t be far-fetched.
Verdict: Saint Mic (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Saint Mic – “I heard you got got dragged down 72nd street last week, came in here acting as a crack fiend, left as a drag queen!”
Recap: Not the most consistently methodical Young X you’ve seen, but too much filler, pontificating and short rounds from his opponent (“You play with the Heat, but never shoot…like Juwan Howard!”) Prop J, leave X’s steadily nice (“This a very awkward battle, look y’all…this the first you seen a kicker make a linebacker look small!”) punchlines and wicked street chatter with more than enough room to score an easy 3-0.
Verdict: Young X (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Young X – “I kill nigga’s in the battle and I’m nice on the beat, you a faggot, riding on a bike with no seat!”
Synopsis: A little weird seeing T-Rex hosting a battle in Pittsburgh?! But anyway, a slow start by Spee Dolla in the 1st and a slow start by Real Deal in the 3rd allowed the other guy to take those rounds. So the difference here was the 2nd, which saw Spee drop some nice (the “looking for deals everywhere like Black Friday” line was fire) bars, but not enough to overcome Real Deal name-flip zealotry (“Your real name is David Edwards, you could’ve used that shit to pop, was it views? cuz’ if so we’ll swing on you, we’ll get ’em dog and we’ll make a star of David like a Jewish synagogue” and personal (“Your chick can get tagged like a Facebook pic”) haymakers.
Verdict: Real Deal (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Real Deal – “They only put a dollar on the stage to see a pussy pop”
Recap: Against the witty, self-deprecating and sturdy pontifications of blind emcee Manaz Ill, after getting edged by a dope rebuttal in the 1st round, Charron uses a boatload of stinging punchlines, hard-hitting rebuttals of his own, spicy personals and boastful shiners to easily take each of the latter rounds for the win.
Verdict: Charron (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Charron – “You dick-sucker, always on your knees in ya house, there’s so much skeet in ya mouth you could get a bitch pregnant just by eating her out!”
Recap: Wow, apparently the judges in this final round freestyle battle between Charron and Escrol weren’t actually watching the battle as in one the greatest battle rap robberies you’ll ever see, Charron who clearly out-punched and served up some nice rebuttals at his opponent for 3 round,s somehow ends up on the losing end to a guy that outside of a weak Charron impression, didn’t do much of anything to standout, much less deserve a win, yet 4 clueless judges disagreed.
Verdict: Charron (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Charron – “On the microphone I’m a clever MC, being dope is something you’ll never be!”
Recap: A tournament freestyle battle with $1k on the line, in this semi-final round I’m not sure how many actual freestyles Fortunato used (as opposed to what sounded like mostly written’s or previously used mixtape material), but a gang of pedestrian lines from Fortunato plus Charron’s off-the-dome heat and spicy punches during all 3 rounds were enough to get the win regardless.
Verdict: Charron (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Charron – “Look at me muthafucka, I’m your idol, hey yo Escrol I’m meeting you in the finals!”
Recap: Both Viixen The Assassin and Lady Caution keep it competitive while bringing out the fiery gun bars, frequent mayhem and hardbody punches for this 3-round QOTR “Sparring Sessions” battle. But outside of a debatable 2nd round, the more consistently spicy and simile-rich Viixen takes rounds 1 and 3 for the win.
Verdict: Viixen The Assassin (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Viixen The Assassin – “If that red beam on than I’m aiming to kill, you ever meet a mean white bitch?, well tonight I’m Cruella Deville!”
