No Bias. No Narratives.
Recap: If one can get past the sometimes-amateurish footage, you’ll see a spirited Young X use rich gun (“I keep a Mac like a computer with an Apple on it!”) bars and hilarious storytelling “…all the girls like ‘y’all chill’, I’m like ‘fuck this dude’, I’ll take my finger, lick it and touch his food!”) lines to 3-0 a choke-prone and clearly way-in-over-his-head Push.
Verdict: Young X (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Young X – “This nigga like a cartoon character, he don’t grow up!”
Recap: A 3-round battle lit with personals, it’s the beard barbs and Arab jokes that especially standout in this raucous match between Dizaster and Henry Bowers. But in the first couple of rounds, it’s a more consistent with the punches, haymaker-spouting and rebuttal-dishing Dizaster who takes each one for the win, before a more punch-worthy Bowers easily takes the 3rd.
Verdict: Dizaster (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Dizaster – “That thing on your face is so hideous, I don’t even know why you’re so proud of it, you’re not even a human with a beard, you’re just a bread with a human growing out of it!”
Recap: One of those rare battles that literally came down to the final punches in round 3, after a witty at times and versatile-punching Nebula and a lyrically technical and personal/punch-lit Real Deal break even in both of the opening rounds, it’s a slightly more haymaker-rich RD who edges what was yet another close final round for the win in this 3-rounder from KOTD.
Verdict: Real Deal (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Real Deal – “”When you’ve got 4 angles and they’re all the same, you end up looking like a square!”
Recap: “You belong behind QP yelling ‘Say It Again!'” Even QP had to smile at that one as Ill Will flexes on his man Murdara Ron for three rounds and catches an easy win.
Verdict: Ill Will (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Ill Will – “I’ll show you how much weight a .357 can carry, and your boo can catch the k [bouquet] like she the next to get married”
Recap: An on-point B. Magic can out-punch you to death. But besides a consistently spicy and crowd-pleasing turn, what stands out here in this 1-rounder versus an aggressive, gritty and pretty solid Pooh Bear, is how midway Magic flips his flow pattern to highlight the last word of the punch, a style on cadence that I’ve seen used at times by quite a few of 2020’s more established vets and even newcomers. Style linguistics aside, a close one between the two gets edged by the slightly more steady, wordplay-lit and direct Magic.
Verdict: B-Magic (W) 1-0
Favorite line: B-Magic – “Pooh, I hope over 99 k’s wet you and give your ass the wings…today’s special!”
Synopsis: Too easy to say that Timebomb was that bad here (there’s been plenty, including top tier dudes, who put on worse shows) as JC was just that good. With an exquisite (albeit cocky) flow, bars on top of bars and consistent aggression, this battle proved early on that JC is a star in the making.
Verdict: JC (W) 3-0
Best line: JC – “We done with beef you not moving, them arms strapped like straight-jackets, Ray Allen, how we come off that block shooting”
Recap: 1-round freestyle battle between Ill Will and A Oun tosses any chance of intricacy aside for on-the-spot jokes, personals and boasts. And while Will did an incredible job during his turn of free-styling without a single stoppage or slip-up, his redundant lines of smack talk against an opponent who was not only witty, but condensed while landing more effective punches, gives A Oun the win.
Verdict: A Oun (W) 1-0
Favorite line: A Oun – “You got that Tyrone Biggums swag!”
Recap: A real good one here from Grind Time as Ness Less and Real Deal (esp. during a brazen and classic round 2) get really spicy with the personals when they weren’t dropping a bunch of solid rebuttals and hard-hitting punchlines. An ill battle straight through that also featured some dope wordplay and similes from both battlers, we got Ness taking round 1 before Real Deal came back to edge the latter two rounds for the win.
Verdict: Real Deal (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Real Deal – “Loose cannon, I’m deadly, Bruce, Brandon, you deal Lee!”
Recap: An hour long battle with an unlimited 3rd, Dizaster versus DNA contains almost all the elements of battle rap that a true fan can appreciate: competitive throughout, nice freestyle darts from each side, fiery rebuttals, wily personals that brought out the old Grind Time days, rampant (“You gonna try an rebuttal everything I say, don’t act like you fucking not, but it’s cool, ‘cuz a good rebuttal means that I had to say something hot!”) boasts, righteous name flips, pointed impressions of each other, heavy-handed schemes, witty (Diz: “The day you beat me is the day everyone in Canada considers Snow an actual Rasta!:) barbs and a shitload of nifty punchlines. That said, after a more angle-prepped and versatile DNA edges the 1st round, minus way one too many mentions of Cortez, it’s a more consistently punch-heavy Dizaster who makes a comeback and takes the latter two rounds for the win.
Verdict: Dizaster (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Dizaster – “Two-thirds of his life has been a root canal!”
Synopsis: B. Magic all day and that even includes one of the best saves you’ll see from a near choke. Then too, as much passion as M. Ciddy puts into his bars, more often then not they just don’t match (“everything you say is a joke, you Dave Spade” and basically his entire 2nd round) the aggression. In addition, there’s nonsensical drama like claiming B. Magic stole his style(?!?) and trying to dap him in the middle of your round right after that infamous Hollow/Hitman battle (even if he really was gonna smack his hand, who’d fall for that?). Meanwhile, Magic just stayed consistent throughout and stuck to script, landing continual punchline haymakers (“B. Magic hit ya’ back up, Plan B.”) and a steady stream of dope name flips to easily take the win.
Verdict: B. Magic (W) 2-1
Best line: B. Magic – “If I don’t fire the clip I was gone off the Henny, took time to battle my son, I put on for my Ciddy (city)”
Recap: Ms. Fit and E-Hart go toe-for-toe in a highly entertaining batting on the Queen of the Ring stage. Probably the closest Hart has come to losing at this point, as despite some filler here and there Ms. Fit’s witty (“And what’s the ‘E’ stand for anyway, Eric? Elgin? Elvis? Edwin? [points at Hart and smiles]…Edmund?”) performance bars and jaunty (“See, I grew up in a home you get your shit pushed front if you ain’t fight back, so while your granny was screaming ‘Get in the crib before shit get worse’, my daddy was screaming ‘You better hit that bitch first!'”) angles equaled Hart’s caustic “(Ms. Fit did this…man stop fronting, when it comes to heat play, she’s Tre’ like ‘let me out I’m not coming'”) wordplay and sharp (“You expect me to believe that you be letting your Tek blow, when you aspire to be a nigga named Ernesto?”) one-liners in rounds 1 and 3. So it’s the second round that made the difference here as Hart stayed with an aggressive flow that combined with dope braggadocio (“You got a little bit of heart, but it’s Micro soft, if we heard you moving that Game boy we in your pockets like a Dx, P.S. it ain’t a Game Boy!”) bars that consistently scored and outperformed a shorter round by Ms. Fit that was doubly hit and miss.
Verdict: E-Hart (W) 2-1
Favorite line: E-Hart – “I don’t respect you for one reason, you send your bitch to get the pads when you be the one bleeding!”)
Recap: OK, so perhaps we should believe it when opera singer/battle rapper Forkfarm says he’s not Jewish. But damn were all those Jewish punchlines from Charron incredibly stinging. Put those over-the-top racial barbs alongside a host of piercing fat jokes and other well-equipped schemes/punches over the course of 3 rounds and it’s a 30 for That Kid Charron.
Verdict: Charron (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Charron – “You’re so fat you got your stomach stapled…to a fucking table!”
Recap: Danja Zone utilizes aggressive schemes, swift punchlines and some pretty entertaining wit to finesse his way past a nice here and there, but inconsistent Logic.
Verdict: Danja Zone (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Danja Zone – “I’ll tell her, give me what I want and let that man wife you and you gonna gimme the bitch like Denzel asking for that damn rifle!”
Synopsis: After a couple of one-sided rounds (which included, at the end of QP’s round one, what might’ve been the best promo line in SMACK history) with each rapper taking one, QP skates through the third round of this battle determined to throw in as many personals (“Now everybody walk around this bitch screaming ‘Free Bill Collector”, at least now he around some real bars!”), jokes (“At first I was like where the fuck they get this corn from, come to find out they only put him on because he Norbez son”) and storytelling bars as possible to get the win while maintaining all the hype he built up early on in his battle career. Rosenberg, as too often the case, didn’t weave enough of a last round to stand a chance.
Verdict: QP (W) 2-1
Best line: QP – “But look cunt, You gonna take this loss like I’m giving you a fat ass kush blunt, that’s the perfect L”
Synopsis: Guess this battle didn’t come with a time limit as Daylyt rhymes for like 5 minutes while Cocky, seemingly with somewhere to get to in a hurry, goes for only a couple. And while Cocky had some hilarious (“Nigga you couldn’t hang with me if we got lynched together”) bars, his round, tho short, would’ve needed to be more condensed with straight heat after heat in order to give him the win here over a more creative (“That bitch drier [dryer] than the side of a washer machine”) and clearly verbose Daylyt on this one.
Verdict: Daylyt (W) 1-0
Favorite line: Daylyt – “Dip and see more niggas behind you then a Johnny Cage kick”
Recap: An exhilarating 2nd round from Young Kannon is the main highlight here in this 3-roundr from URL/Smack. With YK’s more condensed and stronger bars taking the 1st and Sco edging the 3rd with slightly more hardbody lines, overall it’s a vic for the Chicago native.
Verdict: Young Kannon (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Young Kannon – “You getting fried and cooked nigga…Crisco, you got cookies and you got robbed, now that’s Nabisco!”
Synopsis: Besides QB, no female battle rapper comes better prepared than Jaz the Rapper. Not saying that Jaz doesn’t suffer from the rare slip-up (and sure some of her bars can be hit or miss), but when it comes to consistency, there might be no one better. Such is the case here against a worthy opponent in Chayna Ashley, where after a wasted 1st round (writing your best bar for Ms. Fit instead of Jaz?!?) from Dot Mob’s 1st lady, Jaz straight spazzes with both wicked personals and bars (“How you do it? Get them gloves, we could fight, right nigga? Against Jaz with one ‘z’, but you gonna get two or three once you go night, night, nigga”). Round two sees Chayna come back heavy with a barrage of mean one-liners (“That’s what your moms blessed you with? Magenta B—, spell shit with a ‘j’ cuz’ G’s don’t run in ya family”) and haymakers (“Turn heroes to pussies when they draw, no thundercats”). But just when you think Chayna might steal a round Jaz matches her steez by reloading her arsenal, dropping disrespectful bars (“Cuz’ since I started battling I got a lot of kids, Now I think I’m Dakishi bitch, and I enjoy showing my as in this ring, now I’m Rikishi bitch”) and more killer personals (“But see Chayna don’t really get none so she always hope for sex, and it’s ironic that niggas don’t wanna slap, they just want that open neck”). Hit the 3rd round and after a slow start Chayna does a nice name flip, but couldn’t build from there as a repeated visit from Earl doomed her into literally giving the win to Jaz, who still finishes her off with another nice round of feel-good personals, a live impression, steady jokes and stifling bars. Yeah, she does this.
Verdict: Jaz the Rapper (W) 3-0
Best line: – Jaz the Rapper: “Bitch, your favorite show is Man vs. Food and you masturbate to Cake Boss“
Recap: Veteran emcee and two-time Scribble Jam champion TheSaurus serves up a spicy dish of boastful darts and nifty punches/flips/rebuttals in each of the 3 rounds here against a less-potent Charron to catch (besides a debatable 3rd) an easy win from this KOTD Proud2BEhBattleMC WD2 battle.
Verdict: TheSaurus (W) 2-1
Favorite line: TheSaurus – “You want to be what I was in 2005!”
Synopsis: The Punchline King vs. Grown Man Bars. Just don’t let all the hate from anti-Dot Mob crowd fool you. While Conceited’s first round was crazy, I thought Rex edged it by amply taking on Con’s lack of street cred as well as a “resume” that fails to come close to matching all the gun talk Con loves to spit. Then while Con’s 2nd round lacked the consistency and punches that he’s widely known for (too bad for Con that the crowd hadn’t quite gotten his “Slow It Down’s” just yet, but then too they weren’t hitting that hard anyway), Rex came through with a superb “Con” scheme that was just mean (esp. that Kanye line) and hitting throughout. 3rd round was way too long and tepid for both of ’em, so give Rex the ‘W’ for taking both of the early rounds.
Verdict: T-Rex (W) 2-1
Best line: Conceited – “When you rhyme like that, with no punchlines and just spit about throwing them flames out, that style is like Benjamin Buttons, that shit was over when it came out”
Synopsis: Nice battle, close throughout, both Money Bagz and John John da Don went in. However, I just think JJDD edged it with more versatility, and consistency along with better punchlines.
Verdict: John John da Don (W) 2-1
Favorite line: JJDD – “…You that nigga on the roof giving signals for the cops, your nickname is ‘Teapot’ you just whistle when it’s hot!”
Recap: Two-round battles have never made any sense to me. But it’s even worse when they happen during a tournament as this Charron vs. Rone matchup does what with Charron out-punching a pretty subpar Rone in the 1st to take that round before Rone returns the favor in round 2 for a tie. Yet, somehow in one of those rare moments where an overtime round would’ve been the proper thing to do, the judges give the win to Charron instead.
Verdict: TIE
Favorite line: Rone – “Just like my shirt I’m a monster off the head!”
Synopsis: Call this an upset because at the time of this battle there was nothing on Calicoe resume that could’ve made you even guess that he could pull off this total dismantling of Math Hoffa. From the superb “golddigger” bar to stepping in Math’s grill with the “Dose” line to taking shots at Math’s NYB crew to calling out Loaded Lux in round 3, Calicoe puts on a total show with an all-around dope performance featuring hot bars and wicked (“What you ’bout 6’6″?, It don’t even matter you still a big bitch”) personals. Of course, Math would later try to blame this on the crowd rooting for the ‘underdog’ and him going through some drama that morning. But no one told Math to try and punk Calicoe early in his 1st round, much less dress up like the Unabomber for a battle. But whatever, in setting up his upcoming battle against Loaded Lux, Calicoe just used Math Hoffa like a rag doll and that’s what you call a “landslide”, indeed.
Verdict: Calicoe (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Calicoe – “Straight disrespect talk to all of ya men reckless, my chrome, man that bitch keep banging more that Karrine Steffans”
Recap: Weird seeing Charron with so few rebuttals, but either way don’t know if they would’ve made a difference as after a debatable 1st round, UK challenger Cruger’s deft humor, mocking personals and nifty punchlines do enough to take both of the latter rounds for the win in this altogether competitive matchup from KOTD.
Verdict: Cruger (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Cruger – “You’re the only person who carries fake ID that says you’re younger!”
Recap: Arguably URL’s most-hyped bodybag features Aye Verb against a Charlie Clips making his first appearance since his legendary battle versus Tay Rock. Honestly, I didn’t even think Clips was that great here (pretty good, but not at his best which says a lot about the standard Clips has set for himself) as much as Verb was just that bad and decidedly corny, clearly writing rhymes that’d get him through the night so he could pick up his paycheck, smirk at the “fools” who paid good money to watch this one-sided affair and quickly bounce back home to St. Louis. To think, for all the claims of a “biased crowd” Verb made after this battle, even Stevie Wonder could see that the crowd more than gave a Verb a chance to spit his bars without interruption. And did Verb really think he had any chance of winning with lame lines like “How the fuck you gonna have all that Harlem flash and you got just toilet swag?” or “All I ask for is that you pay respect and start every round like A…I O U, nigga make sure you go vowel on me”?!? I mean, even the people in Verb’s entourage were struggling to root him on, undoubtedly because even Robert DeNiro couldn’t pull off getting hype to Verb’s weak bars. As a matter of fact props to the guy hollering “Time!” halfway through Verb’s rounds, he seemed to be the only one in the crowd to notice that everyone around him was being robbed.
Verdict: Charlie Clips (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Charlie Clips – “So what I’m supposed to believe? You a gangsta? You bust and squeeze gats? or you fly chrome when it look like your iPhone got a ‘Just For Me’ app?
Synopsis: Swave Sevah’s reputation for administering bodybags was put on full display here. As the Team Homi capo tosses aside QP’s slick wordplay/punches and jokes with a plethora of righteous bully talk, rigid name flips, raucous punchlines, a classic 2nd round tutorial (‘Tell ’em…’) on exposing your opponent and witty barbs to boot. And with Sevah scoring even when breaking down his own bars, this Grind Time battle would become a one-sided affair with the more versatile and consistently hitting Swave handily taking all 3 rounds rounds over his topsy-turvy opp..
Verdict: Swave Sevah (W) 3-0
Best lines: Swave Sevah – “You waste of a SON, you that nut that should’ve bust on some titties!”
Recap: A second outing between Dizaster and Everybody Knows goes about the same way as the first with Dizaster dishing a roundhouse of Asian/Vietnamese jokes and other spirited punchlines to score an easy 30 over his much less potent opponent.
Verdict: Dizaster (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Dizaster – “I’m not about to lose to my computer technician!”
Synopsis: The maturity of a one-time “champion” is on total display here as Tech-9 not only puts on a great performance, but brings along bars, stories, personals, crowd control, aggression and schemes that meet the high standards of his show (clearly a 180 from Tec’s Lion’s Den days, where he too often tried to be funny instead of delivering consistent and coherent bars along with punchlines). The only question here is whether or not this is Tech at his peak because the former, self-proclaimed “URL champion” hasn’t been the same since.
Verdict: Tech-9 (W) 3-0
Best line: Tech’s whole Round 1 is just classic material. but that “too many weapons, too many maybachs, all this talk about you swerving the jag, you a taxi driver the only thing you serving is cabs, you gotta beat your co-workers to the spot” line was fire.
Recap: Stunting with a confident and gritty Harlem flow that was consistently backed by infectious punchlines, razor-edged bars and plenty of mayhem, K-Shine scores a 30 in this 3-rounder versus a solid, but much less engaging Strictly Bizness (SB).
Verdict: K-Shine (W) 3-0
Favorite line: K-Shine – “He could die off the first try like ecstasy!”
Recap: A fairly competitive battle gets thrown off kilter via a wack move by Calicoe who cuts Luciano Crakk’s 3rd round short because he may or may’ve not been on his way to pulling an Earl. Forget the fact that entertng the 3rd round the kid was hanging in there with JC or that he might’ve been able to freestyle or do something to survive from choking, Calicoe, who was clearly rooting for his hometown brethren JC to win the battle, didn’t give Luciano a long enough chance to quit on the round or pull himself together. Not JC’s fault tho, and he still would’ve got the victory anyway.
Verdict: JC (W) 2-1
Favorite line: JC – “We could visit the same doctor don’t make you sick as me nigga, with that DiGiorno ass swag that ain’t delivery nigga”
Recap: Cash Eatin reminds you a lot of Qleen Paper, but with less charisma, humor and flavorful bars. The passion is there tho and every now and again he can drop a haymaker or two, but too often he falls in the trap of basic bars and a straightforward style that doesn’t leave anything to the imagination. Still, against a challenger like Time Bomb, on the road no less, Cash did more than enough to take all 3 rounds here.
Verdict: Cash Eatin (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Cash Eatin – “I’ll have this nigga looking so nasty that nobody wanna see, it’s like two midgets who made a sex tape”
Recap: 1-round Red Bull EmSee freestyle battle between Yung ZM and DNA goes the latter’s way as while ZM dished a solid roudn of gritty burners, the more eclectic and rebuttal-friendly DNA edges things in the end.
Verdict: DNA (W) 1-0
Favorite line: DNA – “You know I’m gonna pop shit after being at the your bitch house, ‘cuz I’m the locksmith!”
Recap: Like a Mariano Rivera cut fastball, even if you know it’s coming, doesn’t mean you can hit it. That’s the theme here as a hilarious, crowd-pleasing X-Factor loaded up on the tooth jokes to help him come from behind and beat a versatile, but stamina-lacking DNA. Indeed, after (“Nigga, you so old when you battled Nemysys I had a tooth!”) out-snapping his opponent to take an all-around fire 1st round, DNA, while still solid for the latter two rounds, just couldn’t match X-Factor’s comeuppance, which included a multi-faceted, (“DNA stand for Dentures Not Around!”) punch-heavy 2nd round and a superb, personal/priorities-drenched and witty 3rd round that continued to rock the crowd and more importantly gave the Detroit emcee the win.
Verdict: X-Factor (W) 2-1
Favorite line: X-Factor – “If you walk into an executive office, they’ll beg your pardon…they’ll look you square in the face and say, that’s nothing we can market!”
Recap: You’d think when people in the crowd are yelling that they can’t hear you on stage, someone would be smart enough to get the battlers a mic or two ro rap with. Either way, if you listen close enough you can hear 40 B.A.R.R.S. get pretty gully with it here and just snap on gritty, but also topsy-turvy opponent Gatman Jones, using enough stifling personals, sexual salutations and boastful darts to take rounds 1 and 3 for the win in this 3-rounder from Grind Time New England.
Verdict: 40 B.A.R.R.S. (W) 2-1
Favorite line: 40 B.A.R.R.S. – “They gonna think I killed Kenny when I bust in this BabyFace!”
Synopsis: Marvwon got the empathy votes from the judges but not me. Yes, Pat Stay’s personal bars were super mean, but being able to say the most disrespectful shit possible (Pat Stay: “I’m a fucking battle rapper, we’re the rudest fucking people on earth”) is part of the essence of battle rap. For that reason, along with the hilarious jokes and personals, it was Pat Stay who clearly got this.
Verdict: Pat Stay (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Marvwon – “Look, he looking sad right now, he gonna front like he can’t get a cab right now”
Recap: Here we see Rosenberg Raw make for a solid effort with his usual firestorm of cocky punches and shit-stirring mayhem. But a more versatile and aggressive O-Red, flippant with the personals, hilarious with the pictorials, gritty with the punchlines/name flips and festive with the gun bars, delivers too much rampant heat for his opponent to have a chance in this 3-rounder from Block City.
Verdict: O-Red (W) 3-0
Favorite line: O-Red – “On second thought why waste ammo to shoot his ass?, you’ze a fag there’s no need to let that Ruger blast, counter left, up it, nice hook with a truthful jab, I will beat the shit out of Seth from Superbad!”
Recap: A last-minute replacement for Hollohan, SMP puts up a decent showing with self-deprecating shiners and some witty (“Your BROWser’s bigger than Google’s”) personals that had the crowd howling. But outside of struggling with his delivery and freestyle game in round two, Dizaster’s rampant fat (“Why the fuck are your shoulder blades oval shaped?”) jokes and off the dome (“I can tell you had an awesome breakfast!”) personals in the 1st and 3rd rounds were just way too much for his opponent to keep up with.
Verdict: Dizaster (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Dizaster -“Last time I went to New York I removed the torch from the statue, last time you went to New York, the Ghostbusters attacked you”
Recap: Only found this matchup after seeing the Half Past 7 vs. Bigg K battle. Half Past had some heat (“Top news John John got stabbed in a brawl and if his friends request beef then I’m tagging them all”), but overall JJDD came with better name flips, delivery, creativity and all-around hotter bars.
Verdict: John John da Don (W) 1-0
Favorite line: John John da Don -“Tired of hearing all this bullshit how you squeeze teks, so take those AR’s out your bars ‘cuz it’s BS”
Recap: Not the first time DNA has been robbed of a battle (check his Grind Time battle vs. Lil Farnum), but shame on Spoonie G., Redman and Joell Ortiz for screwing him here as in the Final round of this Redbull Emsee Challenge, despite clearly spitting the better freestyles and punches, all 3 judges would give the win to his mostly pedestrain opponent Mic Stew.
Verdict: DNA (W) 1-0
Favorite line: DNA – “I’ll treat you like Roc-A-Fella when my heat spray, if you spill the Beans, you’ll find that body on the Freeway!”
Recap: Need a reason not to pit two battle rappers against each other who are cool with each other outside the ring? Then look no farther than here as Hitman Holla and Hollow da Don face off in a battle that can best be described as listless and uneventful. Struggling to really diss each other (they both went the usual routes without getting too personal) or spit their best bars in front of a crowd that was clearly weary from a long day (this was a main event battle and thus the last one of the night), even Hitman and Hollow’s best lines were met with lukewarm applause. With Hitman clearly winning round one with better bars and Hollow clearly taking round 3 (on the fake dap alone), it’s round two that decided this one and despite an energetic and nice round by (“…chopper knock his section down, grab him by his neck and unload that whole second round”) Hitman, Hollow edged it out with nicer (“You’re about as useless as a hitchhiker with a broken thumb”) personals, solid rebuttals, steady aggression and dope performance (“Take his girl, poke her [poker] face, I’m not bluffing”) bars.
Verdict: Hollow da Don (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Hollow da Don – “I Brewed her, I Boozed her, you woulda thought the Bulls was playing, I mean, I ain’t Know Her, but when that D Rose, she was like, ‘Dang!’” (All references to the Bulls 2011 roster)
Recap: Up until the 3rd round, King was able to dispense some witty {“You worked at Dairy Queen, giving nigga’s extra scoops!”) lines to stay competitive with Bigg K. The 3rd round, however, presents a different story as a more animated K’s spitfire barbs and potent (“When I post up, I get the set and go ham, when he post up, he hit the ‘Net and go spam!”) set-ups leads him to an earnest victory.
Verdict: Bigg K (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Bigg K – “Broad day shooter, lick a hundred out that yopper, and it’ll crack that skull like I’m drinking hundred dollar Vodka!”
Recap: Crazy, dope and classic first round by K-Shine, piling up points with ease via a plethora of hitting personals, wild storytelling bars and nice (“Free my brother Surf on that strapped charge, but two months later he’s on a Smack card, talking about I’m back y’all, now either that’s odd or that’s the fastest three-and-a-half I’ve ever seen for a gat charge!”) anecdotes on Tsu Surf’s resume in and outside the battle ring. Yet, Shine’s early lead gets overtaken by Surf’s continuous onslaught of Dot Mobb (“Rex you’ll haul ass before you ever get a bruise on you, heard you ain’t wake up til Friday, when Ice put the cubes on you”!) jokes/personals, sizzling performance bars and gritty (“All my guns from Atlanta, low prices I get more for less, aim it at that bright pink and yellow jackets with these Georgia tek’s”) street talk. So while it’s Shine who comes away with the most memorable round, Surf”s rampant execution throughout and Shine’s way-too-short 3rd, leaves the kid from Jersey with what’s most important and that’s the win.
Verdict: Tsu Surf (W) 2-1
Favorite line: K Shine – “Tsunami Surf?!? [hmmph] Nigga, ain’t nutin’ wavy about you!”
Synopsis: Damn, E-Ness could’ve mumbled rapped a bar and his Philly homies would’ve cheered for him. But hey, can’t knock a guy for making sure his whole block shows up to support him. That said, this battle had all the mixing of what ads up to no replay value: crazy hot venue, sweaty mugs, a boisterous and almost deafening crowd, bad mics and a shitload of weak, pedestrian bars from both Ness and Arsonal. Thus, in the end you’re left deciding not who really won, but who lost.
Verdict: Arsonal (W) 2-1
Best line: E-Ness – “All your jewelry passed down, Mack Maine”
Recap: From Got Beef? Entertainment, one too many raps by Aussie battler Defron on his opponent’s occupation plus a witty, personal savvy and more punchline-lit Real Deal outscoring Defrom in each round adds up to the Pittsburgh battler taking rounds 1 and 3 (call the 2nd debatable) for the win.
Verdict: Real Deal (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Real Deal – “If you want to be a contender in this league you’ll out-rap the muthafucka…but you don’t have the ball!”
Recap: It’s pretty much a roasting session in this battle between Jai and Spee Dolla, with Jai mercilessly dissing everything from his opponent’s skin tone to his alleged (“The only time you doubling stacks is when you adding fries with that!”) occupation. All in all, it’s more than enough for the guy from 400 Block to easily take the 1st two rounds and the win.
Verdict: Jai (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Jai – “Black son of a bitch, when you sweat you look like a wet grape!”
Synopsis: One of those early Proving Ground battles that doesn’t get the attention it deserves. As John John makes his first appearance on the URL stage and almost goes toe-to-toe with a typically nice B-Magic. I gave Magic the slight edge because I just thought that his punchlines and personals hit a bit more than JJDD’s, while as his round went on Magic just seemed to get nicer with each bar.
Verdict: B-Magic (W) 1-0
Best line: B Magic – “Bitch I get long dome like Stewie head, bangin’ cans behind your car like a newlywed, think you sick well B-Magic is the Sudafed, this right hook will give you them Zab Judah noodle legs”
Synopsis: I know watching a battle live is harder to judge than watching it in footage, but in this case the punchlines Law spit in the 1st and 3rd rounds clearly bodied anything Hindu Rock had to say, so who knows what a couple of those judges was talking about.
Verdict: Ty Law (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Ty Law – “He was born a fag, the fruit of his mom’s labor”
Recap: Midwest battle rapper Dallas spits an aggressive and (“He acts like a bitch to get attention, you’re TYler Perry!”) fierce 1st round, but goes off the bender right around the “Tywanna Man” mark with inconsistent wordplay and corny nerd semantics. Meanwhile, Ty Law only gets better as the battle proceeds and uses some wicked (“This geek rides solo, he don’t get no hoes, only bitch on Dallas…Romo!”) personals along with dope name flips to bounce back for the win.
Verdict: Ty Law (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Ty Law – “And yeah he moving white, [but] he ain’t start pitching, he moving white because he off rhythm!”
Recap: Exquisite wordplay, name flips, street talk, (“Bitch I’m somethin’ you never seen like bird piss”) punchlines, flat-out bars, it’s all there as B Magic spazzes on a tough, but just not ready for prime time V.I. The Great.
Verdict: B Magic (W) 1-0
Favorite line: B Magic – “The mad desi get to flying at ya k, have it on the tip of ya tongue like something you trying to say”
Recap: It’s Charron, so Ubiquitous knew the Asian jokes were coming and he handled himself with flair, spouting some astute breakdowns of his opponent to go along with some fierce punchlines and make things competitive. Still, even without the stereotypical racial barbs, for the opening rounds Charron nonetheless scored, using some aggressive name flips, rank humor and piercing rebuttals/punches/personals of his own to take the 1st round and edge the 2nd for the win.
Verdict: Charron (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Charron – “You have such low self-esteem, that nothing helps, you’re so pathetic during sex you fantasize…that you’re someone else!”
Recap: A more versatile with the bars, condensed and punch-heavy Steams takes this early We Go Hard 1-rounder from a braggadocio-inclined, but elongated and redundant SpazzOne/
Verdict: Steams (W) 1-0
Favorite line: Steams – “Fuck he gonna teach me?, I’ll chalk this nigga, you know rappers shien when they dead, glow in the dark this nigga!”
Recap: Moreso an O-Red tripping over himself and never getting up than getting beat by his opponent, after easily taking the 1st round here on this 3-rounder from Block City TV versus Scripts, an O-Red who was vigorously punch-heavy in the 1st round, flips the switch and surprisingly succumbs to a host of subpar freestyles and pedestrian bars in the latter rounds. And for Scripts, who stayed steady with the mayhem, bully talk and raucous personals throughout the match, even while not doing much in the way of bar efficiency to earn the win, still squeaks this one out thanks for the most to Red’s sudden downfall.
Verdict: Scripts (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Scripts – “It’s UFC when you step into this octagon, I spray wigs, this .8 kid is not Octomom’s!”
Recap: Early one-round Proving Grounds matchup finds Nuborn delivering most of his better lines towards…rappers (Hitman Holla, Big T) that aren’t his opponent, allowing to Young Kannon to get a relatively easy win with a barrage of heated punchlines, funny jokes and stirring wordplay.
Verdict: Young Kannon (W) 1-0
Favorite line: Young Kannon – “I’ll whip this faggot’s flow, fast or slow, your rap’s a joke, that’s why this new born only grew up to be an average Joe!”
Recap: In this 3-rounder from KOTD, Nat Select was able to dish some nice breakdowns here and there, but with a punchline game that was mostly subpar and a charged up Charron spouting a wide array of mean personals, old age jokes and head-twisting punchlines, it’s a pretty win for the younger guy.
Verdict: Charron (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Charron – “Your skin’s so f-ckin’ light, you make Betty White look like Wesley Snipes!”
Recap: Displaying some superb lyricism going all the way back to her Grind Time days here, 40 B.A.R.R.S, keeps it gritty, punch-heavy and competitive up until a 3rd round choke does her in to an onslaught of condensed, but extra funny personals from Moroney in this 3-rounder that also saw an early sighting of Chilla Jones.
Verdict: Moroney (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Moroney – “And no doubt, she got a bubble butt, she farts in the tub!”
Recap: Klutch uses a boatload of aggressive, witty and lucid personals along with some fierce schemes to beat back a solid, but topsy-turvy effort from Real Deal in this 3-rounder from Grind Time.
Verdict: Klutch (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Klutch – “Your music is boring in the dark, your music should be titled Amish Sex!”
Recap: If you want to be successful in battle rap charisma and personality not only count, but can make a difference between staying on small stages versus performing in the limelight that comes with the big stage. So course, if all you’re about is bars (and in this case metaphors), then M. Ciddy (“A bootleg how he stay leaking, with four 5’s all around your face you ain’t Abe Lincoln”) won this battle by a landslide, no debating. But thankfully, we live in an age where battle rap isn’t just about bars, but also delivery, execution, set-ups, rebuttals, creativity, jokes, angles, wordplay, punchlines and yes, performance. Which is why Bill Collector wins here, despite mostly average bars, but a stellar performance, delivery (“…but that mac I let it riiiiniiiigggg then hang up and call you back!”), aggression and execution to edge rounds 2 and 3 in this early PG battle.
Verdict: Bill Collector (W) 2-1
Favorite line: M. Ciddy – “I ain’t spelling under when I put you [U] in [N] the [D] ER”
Recap: Dishing mostly personals with an equal amount of potent (“You’d probably want to jail for the fuck of it!”) wit and forthright, Jai scores a 3-0 over a severely lacking in intricacy and a bit unprepared Amazin D Boy.
Verdict: Jai (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Jai – “Nigga’s always want to talk about they lead and —, till I run up in his crib while he sleep, pistol whip him with the heat, then make him eat the biscuit like it’s bed in breakfast!”
Recap: Pre-URL Chilla Jones, while not quite as clever with the schemes as he’d later come to be, still dishes a wide array of stinging punches throughout all 3 rounds to beat the overall hard, but non-too-savvy, bars of Interstate Flamez.
Verdict: Chilla Jones (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Chilla Jones – “I got a shorty that’s so pretty,,she BAD Boy!, no Diddy, I got her Hypotized, so when I cut her off, she ask for One More Chance…I tell her ‘No Biggie’
Recap: Early and classic Proving Grounds battle from URL/Smack goes to B-Magic, whose fierce punchline game, understated wit and flexing (“My next body like my room, I gotta make it clean [Qleen]!”) wordplay beats back a solid performing, (“Hustle down to the D, ’cause I can arrange that, there everybody know QP, I’m still that same cat, not that SONS nigga, I ain’t a fucking child, he from southern Cal where it never rain at!”) slick-talking and amusing Qleen Paper in the 1st and 3rd rounds to earn the win.
Verdict: B-Magic (W) 2-1
Favorite line: B-Magic – “Magic let the 80 pill, I got an Army that’ll get your whole Navy sealed, you ever seen baby blues?, get your baby killed, pull a can, make Dirty Dance, Patrick Swayze skills!”
