No Bias. No Narratives.
Recap: Hey, if you’re gonna argue about Diz going way too ham with the stereotypical Asian jokes then the same’s gotsa be said about all the dudes who milk Arab jokes against Diz….btw, that “don’t have to grab a snack every time I hear a cat meow” rebuttal by Diz was extra mean!
Verdict: Dizaster (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Dizaster – “I fucking hate spicy mayonnaise!”
Synopsis: This is the battle Cortez still loves to bring up when attempting to prove his mettle. But every time I watch it I come away with same conclusion: Hitman edged it. Of course, if you’re just about bars (and clear-cut crowd bias), you might give it to Cortez (tho he had way too much filler in round 1). But Hitman had plenty of dope bars too, along with (as usual) performance, jokes, schemes (the “Man, what?!” lines are classic) and enough personals (clearly Hitman bringing up Cortez’s losses bothered his opponent) to get it in the end.
Verdict: Hitman Holla (W) 2-1
Best line: Hitman Holla – “You just a Mexican that rep New York but lose when it matter the most, you Mark, Sanchez”
Synopsis: Not quite a body as Z.M. definitely had his moments, but Syahboy’s consistent display of elite punchlines, performance and set-ups (“Put a big X on ya head like tight ends on Madden”) put this one away with the quickness.
Verdict: Syahboy (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Z.M. – “I will run up in your son’s special needs class and sing to him like ‘Ya jawbone’s connected to my kneecap!'”
Recap: Grind Time Now vs. KOTD battle sees Charron and Amzilla kill it with about 8 rounds of pure, off-the-dome freestyles, building off each other’s rhymes with acute timing and using everything from crowd apparel to piercing personals to fellow battle rappers to enhance their bars. A close one throughout, it’s the more versatile and persevering Charron who takes it in the end.
Verdict: Charron (W) 5-2
Favorite line: Charron – “I’ll leave his throat slashed in, the chance of you beating me is like the chance of Thesaures being a spokesperson for Proactive!”
Recap: Honestly thought there wasn’t any need for OT because Swave Sevah edged rounds one and three with a batter variety of bars versus mostly average punchlines from High Collide. Nonetheless, despite the slip-up, I thought Sevah landed the only haymaker (“I’m not feeling you cuz so I’m killing ya buzz like AA meetings”) in OT to win it, not that High Collide’s weak rebuttal and random bar at Dumbfounded helped.
Verdict: Swave Sevah (W) OT
Favorite line: Swave Sevah -“I’ll buy a bulletproof vest, make you wear it and test and see if it work”
Recap: In this early matchup of Kannon vs. Kannon, it’s Young K who edges it with more consistency with his bars, staying animated throughout while spazzing on everything from what he’d do to his opponent’s kids to taking down Big Kannon’s street cred. While Big K started out hard during the first half of his round, he fell flat towards the end and could’ve did more with the “You my son” angle.
Verdict: Young Kannon (W) 1-0
Favorite line: Big Kannon – “I think nuts sometimes, I wanna treat him, evil as hell, when he come to my door, with his lawnmower, ringing my bell”
Recap: SMH. Yet, another example of how bad judged battles can be as somehow 4 different dudes gave Arcane a win (one even had the audacity to knock Charron for rebutting several times) here despite a more versatile Charron clearly out-punching and/or outshining his opponent when it came to wit, racial angles and feisty personals in the opening and final rounds. Not that Arcane was that bad here, offering some hitting punches/personals in the 1st round and edging Charron in the 2nd with more steady shiners. But with Arcane spouting a totally bland and very basic bar-wise 3rd, even a mediocre turn by Charron was enough to take the deciding round easy.
Verdict: Charron (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Charron – “You’re in your mid-30s and you dress like a thug, you’re about as real as the ID I used to get in this club!”
Recap: Tourettes Without Regrets 2nd round freestyle battle between Charron and Tommy Gunz with a chick dancing on a stage in the back just in case the battle doesn’t excite you enough, sees Charron not only flexing his off-the-dome skills again, but getting downright mean with it, using a handful of flippant personals in each of the two rounds to easily take the win.
Verdict: Charron (W) 2-0
Favorite line: Charron – “I’m a Holocaust victim, you’re skinnier than Anne Frank!”
Recap: Not sure what’s going on in the back with the chick dancing on the stage while the battle went down, but either way it gets no easier for Charron here, dominating this 1-round freestyle battle against a clearly overmatched Marquee with a boatload of roundhouse punches and spitfire personals.
Verdict: Charron (W) 1-0
Favorite line: Charron – “You said you’d fuck my brother?!…you belong in Frisco!”
Recap: 17yo, armed with a shitload of Asian jokes as well as other sordid personals and clearly able to go on forever with the freestyles, Charron bodies a very underwhelming Sosh for 10 rounds to win the final round of this Tourettes Without Regrets freestyle tournament.
Verdict: Charron (W) 10-0
Favorite line: Charron – “I rhyme profound, this guy’s a clown, you don’t belong in the final round, go back to Chinatown!”
Recap: Nice of them to not do an O.T., but in this Grind Time battle between John John Da Don and Troy Brown the latter still gets robbed as his continual use of scathing personals and witty barbs edged what was a solid and at times punch-heavy, but not as potent turn from JJDD in the deciding 3rd round.
Verdict: Troy Brown (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Troy Brown – “You know the kid on the block that sucks at every sport, that always ended up playing on the team, like ‘fuck you guys if you don’t take me I’ll just take my ball and leave!’…that’s John Jon!”
Recap: East-coast vs West-coast style clash between punchline/wordplay-feen (“When I start throwing bullets, nigger don’t think you can’t get open, so you better take a different route, or I’ll be in ya hood like LL, leave him with only one leg showing…while I shoot In The House!”) Heartless and an always about-that-action Shotgun Suge stays competitive throughout as both battlers stick with what they do best, while rarely missing a beat. A gritty and compelling battle that was enhanced by the small-room, crowd-right-up-on-you-to-taste-every-line atmosphere, a debatable 1st round followed by Heartless edging the 2nd round while Suge took the 3rd adds up a pretty succinct draw.
Verdict: TIE
Favorite line: Shotgun Suge – “So don’t say shit, ‘cuz I don’t play bitch, I got the same shottie that Willie Manchester knocked J-Rock over the gate with!”
Synopsis: Monie Love’s reactions throughout this battle are hilarious. That said, A smiling (and very colorful) Young Gattas performs a body on QB (who literally gave Gattas the 1st round, rapping for like only a minute or so) with venomous bars so tight that QB, wanting to fight and all, seemed to forget that she was in a rap battle. Indeed, Sara Kana was just being nice when she said this was “very close”.
Verdict: Young Gattas (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Young Gattas – “You look like a man…Wendy Williams!”
Recap: Funny how often John John Da Don had to hear about how he looks like Chris Brown during his early battle rap career. That said, even with his opponent here, Young P-ro, tossing out yet another Chris Brown reference to go along with a nimble punch game that’d make the S.O.N.S. crew curious, JJDD’s more scintillating punchlines, witty barbs and stinging personals are more than enough to score a 30.
Verdict: John John Da Don (W) 3-0
Favorite line: John John Da Don – “Nigga, you so ugly that when you was born your grandparents tried to jump you!”
Recap: Two round Grind Time promo battle between John John Da Don and Bravo goes JJDD’s way pretty handily as the Yonkers, NY rapper scathing personals and flexing punch game easily beats back a gritty, but mediocre effort from his opponent.
Verdict: John John Da Don (W) 2-0
Favorite line: John John Da Don – “Fuck his girlfriend ‘cuz he probably the only nigger that hasn’t yet!”
Recap: Hey, if you’re bars aren’t too hot and your opponent has say…a weight problem, why not go the comedian route and unload a gang of fat jokes to better your chances of winning? That about sums up a simple, yet effective strategy for Troy Brown as after getting out-punched in round 1 of this 3-round Grind Time Midwest battle, Brown enlists his Buddy Love alter ego to spout a bunch of hilarious personals in the latter two rounds for the win.
Verdict: Troy Brown (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Troy Brown – “Don’t even pretend you got bulimia when you throw your food up just so you can eat it again!”
Synopsis: I don’t know what Soul Khan was talking about at the end there, with lame lines like “The only time he gets props is in a novelty store”, a weak SK impression and mistaking ‘Juliette Lewis’ with ‘Julianne Moore’, Aspire didn’t have nearly enough in his arsenal to beat SK here. Ignore the OT.
Verdict: Soul Khan
Favorite line: Soul Khan – “You’re so pussy those ain’t sideburns, they’re matching landing strips”
Synopsis: Hollow got the win here, but this battle was a lot closer than people give it credit for as Big T’s round 1 and 2 was pure fire and he definitely provided Hollow with some comp throughout. Still, tho it’s Hollow’s rebuttals, sublime bars (his 3rd round is an undeniable classic) and obviously the fat jokes that kept da Don lit. But then too Big T’s round 3, while equipped with a few shiners, was overall just too long, bland and repetitive (you could say that 7 times).
Verdict: Hollow da Don (W) 2-1
Best line: Hollow da Don – “You could ask my NYB niggas, I’m hot like Jay flow is in Marcy, and you gonna take the L like you about to go to Canarsie”
Recap: Not including the OT round for review in a battle that Charron clearly had already won as Corey’s storied schemes, witty personals and frenetic punchlines/name flips secured easy vic’s in the opening rounds over an uber-condensed, but nowhere near as potent OZ before a debatable 3rd round.
Verdict: Charron (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Charron – “And MTV’s in the house so you’ll get burned to core, your mom’s a dirty whore who’s got more herpes sores than there’s Guido’s up in Jersey Shore!”
Recap: Fiery personals rein galore is this competitive 3-rounder from Chicago Battle Grounds between Young Gattas and Haitian emcee Miss GTP. However, after a hot opening round by both ladies, a more resilient, witty and punch-heavy Gattas takes each of the latter rounds for the win.
Verdict: Young Gattas (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Young Gattas – “To fix that nappy shit you need a comb that’s hot enough to radiate!”
Round 2 Round 3
Synopsis: Head Ice’s reactions alone are the reasons to watch this battle. That said, Surf’s first round is an incredible barfest with consistent performance and swag to match–indeed, the “You a Ray-J fan and an Aye Verb lover, toughest nigga in the Midwest is Aye Verb’s mother!” quip doesn’t become an instant classic without Surf’s sick, on-point delivery. And while Ill was nice too in round one, a couple of bars were just flat-out corny. Surf’s round 2 was just full beast-mode and over-the-top hilarious, but Ill sorf of made it debatable with some hefty bars and that “she top me off so much, the bitch memorize the sound of my zipper” line. Surf obviously gave away the last round and Ill and his belt took advantage of it. Still overall, Surf’s first two rounds edged Yung Ill’s for the win.
Verdict: Tsu Surf (W) 2-1
Best line: Tsu Surf- “Dwyane Wade, 3 from my heat, a drop 30”
Synopsis: Sure, Deacon Frost can be a funny guy (“S.F. we mobbing deep on some Mexican shit, [while] you in your grandma living room dancing naked to Prince”) at times, but his serious lack of quality bars and/or dope punchlines usually makes for an easy win….if you’re his opponent. Such is the case here as Swave Sevah delivers roundhouse bars, jokes and a plethora of haymakers (“Y’all just put a featherweight in a death match against Leatherface”) to take up an easy body.
Verdict: Swave Sevah (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Swave Sevah -“You got a Tyrone Biggums swag….and a Trick Daddy face”
Recap: “No subliminal shots”. Is there any battle rapper out there that means what he say and says what he means more than Head Ice? I don’t think so. Still, for all his intimidating gangsta (“Shit I check a crew like Nikes I catch your crew wilding, stomp ’em with ACG’s I give ’em New Balance”) talk and slick delivery, Ice’s lack of angles and wordplay can sometimes be a disadvantage. Such is the case here as while bars over jokes may be the pedigree for so-called “real” battle rappers, Tech-9’s overall medley of bars, jokes, perfromance and personals scored him a close win here.
Verdict: Tech-9 (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Tech-9 – “Your baby mom got a mean back, when I fuck her she scream back ‘Go deeper Daddy’, me and my niggas call her ‘Freak Nasty’, the bitch a freak and bitch nasty, little dirty in the butt ashy, i make her shower first”
Recap: Entertaining Grind Time Midwest battle between Frankie Wapps and Big Kannon with plenty of witty punchlines, some nimble wordplay, stinging 4-bar setups/name flips and fierce personals/schemes from both sides. Still, after getting edged in round, a more consistently spicy Kannon takes each of the last two rounds for the win.
Verdict: Big Kannon (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Big Kannon – “He’s a lame who lies about pushing them birdies, but where the drugs?, the only thing his ass is pushing is 30!”
Recap: First, props to the dude in the middle on stage with the shades on, showing absolutely no emotion throughout–if anyone out there’s looking for a human statue they need to look no further. Secondly, retired from battle rap for like 4 years now, I’d imagine that the URL misses Oun-P’s heavy aggression, BX flow and lyrical stylings. Lastly, this battle, the first for both Oun P and DNA on Smack, while decent at times, didn’t really deliver what you’d expect as DNA wasn’t consistent and came with a lame 3rd round, while some of Oun P’s bars didn’t match his aggression and he seemingly choked in the 1st. With the battle pretty much coming down to the 2nd, tho it was kind of raw I had no problem with DNA’s backwards Mook scheme (which would undoubtedly spark some copycats) and most of his personals were on point. On the other hand while a lot of his bars didn’t get the crowd reaction they deserved, Oun-P still executed his lines well and more than delivered on the performance tip. All told you could call this one even.
Verdict: TIE
Favorite line: Oun P – “He do got a chick, see, and she broke it all down, ’bout how his pipe game is like Grind Time, nothing but short rounds”
Synopsis: In this epic “Battle of the Hats”, after a close round 1, O-Red takes it up a notch and rips Lance apart with rapid punchlines, jokes and mean personals.
Verdict: O-Red (W) 2-1
Favorite line: O-Red – “The fire-starter, lion heart, there ain’t no taming me, speech like brushing your teeth, I’m what you Aim to be”
Recap: In this 2-rounder from a Scribble Jam event that took place in Cincinnati, OH, Iron Solomon dishes some scathing personals and piercing freestyles/punchlimnes at a pedestrian punching Pass to easily get the win.
Verdict: Iron Solomon (W) 2-0
Favorite line: Iron Solomon – “You could spit those multiple’s till your ???, I’ll be at the hotel giving your girl multiple orgasms!”
Recap: Close in both rounds with Iron Solomon and Zeale each spouting some spicy freestyles, it’s the slightly more consistent nice, disrespectful and slick-talking Solomon who gets the edge in rounds 1 and 2 for the win in this Scribble Jam contest from Cincinnati.
Verdict: Iron Solomon (W) 2-0
Favorite line: Iron Solomon – “Look, it’s not ‘cuz I’m short that I’m so angry, it’s ‘cuz I fucked the shit out of your mom and the bitch didn’t thank me!”
Recap: Ahh, the 2000’s with throwback jersey’s, XXXL white T’s and battle rap rounds under a minute…those were good ‘ole days. Besides that, with some fire rebuttals/personals mixed in, Iron Solomon easily outpunches 9DM in this 2-rounder from Brainstorm 2004.
Verdict: Iron Solomon (W) 2-0
Favorite line: Iron Solomon – “I’m gonna tear him apart, his chin strap’s so big it looks like he’s wearing a scarf!”
Round 1 Round 2
Round 3
Synopsis: If you’re somehow able to stay awake during HollyHood’s rounds, watch Shotgun Suge go off, grizzly bear mode while bullying his opponent with aggressive bar (including some hilarious tributes to Tupac in “Juice”) after bar. Needless to say Suge’s big ass pea coat and HollyHood have both been MIA ever since.
Verdict: Shotgun Suge (W) 3-0
Best line: Shotgun Suge – “Stab your mother in the voice box, now she talking with an auto tune”
Recap: Full Fledge Battleground 2-rounder between Kraze and K-Shine is a mostly one-sided affair as Kraze’s thoro, but laidback stylings couldn’t keep up with the consistent heat delivered from Shine’s stifling schemes, catchy punches, flexing personals, riddling gun bars and brazen storytelling in either round.
Verdict: K-Shine (W) 2-0
Favorite line: K-Shine – “The 38. in a class by itself, that mean the led special!”
Recap: Gun bars-a-blazing and painting some epic pictures of the type of mayhem he can create, outside of a debatable 2nd round, a boastful O-Red easily beats back a punchline-heavy at times, but too gay joke-centric and mostly pedestrian Spunk Whop in this 3-roudner from Waa Battle Circuit.
Verdict: O-Red (W) 2-1
Favorite line: O-Red – “I’ll kick in your mother door popping the mag, out two in her head, your father?, 4 shots to the ass, your grandmama watch me reload, I cock it and blast, that old hag catch a slug through her oxygen mask!”
Recap: As brazen, slick, off-the-dome and punch-heavy as Calicoe was here in this URL 3-rounder vs. Nuborn, what really stood out was just effortless he made it seem. The Detroit rapper incorporating a variety of clever wordplay, fiery personals and dope anecdotes in his raps, when he wasn’t impressively almost free-styling an entire 3rd round. And while Nuborn, one of the nicest punchers in the game around this time, tried to keep things competitive (esp. during a sublime round 3), way too many pedestrian bars from the BX spitter throughout the battle along with Cal’s well-executed 3 rounds of heat, was enough to give the latter a shutout.
Verdict: Calicoe (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Calicoe – “I did an ultrasound on this newborn [Nuborn], I knew he was a bitch before he got here!”
Recap: When it comes to syrupy punchlines, it doesn’t get much better than this as Cocky and Heartless go at it for 3 rounds with frequent set-ups that combined with often wicked, but also witty puns, similes and metaphors, made for one of the best punch-fest’s you’ll ever witness. And while the two Cali spitters also added a bunch of dope personals, daunting street missives and rigid name flips to the bout and kept it entertaining and close throughout with a frequent amount of haymakers on each side, it’s a slightly more consistently biting Cocky who edges the first couple of rounds for the win before Heartless reversed things and edged the 3rd.
Verdict: Cocky (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Cocky – “Fuck a bank, I get longtime money, it’s all fun and games till his guts and his brains hanging out like longtime buddies!”
Recap: All things considered, it would take a cool vet like Head ICE to out-swag Goodz. But this one really came down to, as it usually does…who had the better bars. Something Goodz seemed to run out of as the battle went on, while ICE’s slick talk, storytelling lines and boss chatter stayed moving the needle in his direction as the battle proceeded. Split the first round down the middle. The rest? All ICE.
Verdict: Head ICE (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Head ICE – “And I’m a bark back, come to the dog show, catch you by yourself slipping, expect to get long-nosed!”
Round 2
Round 3
Synopsis: After a competitive 1st round (Frost’s “canoe” line being the highlight), Soul Khan goes full beast mode and takes out Deacon Frost with two rounds of cold jokes (“I’ll take your girl to the movies, she could barely keep her clothes on, you take your girl to the movies and she’s like ‘I already seen this with Soul Khan'”), funny impressions, bars and wicked (“If I snatch you dildo’s would fall out of your pocket”) personals .
Verdict: Soul Khan (W) 2-1
Best line: Soul Khan – “I’ll steal your family dog and cut his abdomen open, then send that bitch home full of plastic explosives”
Recap: In a battle of two KOTD undefeated’s, after a debatable round 1, Charron’s more consistent jocular styling’s, which included a boatload of ya mama jokes and stinging/off-the-dome personals in the latter two rounds easily beats back a much less hitting Lokust.
Verdict: Charron (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Charron – “Your face looks like the ball’s sac of a bear!”
Verdict: O-Red (W) 3-0
Best line: O-Red – “Move your lips too quick, you get pistol-whipped with a rocket launcher”
Recap: From Grind Time, in what was a pretty competitive, personal-lit and punch-heavy 3-rounder that also had some nice rebuttals, gotta disagree with the judges here as after a debatable round 1, had Sahtyre edging round 2 before clearly taking round 3 over Real Deal for the win.
Verdict: Sahtyre (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Sahtyre – “You remind me of that super hero that never could fly, look, it’s a bird, it’s a plane…nope, it’s just a regular guy!”
Recap: Finally, a Grind Time battle where all the judges (and me) were on the same page as John John Da Don uses just about every Asian stereotype he could find to out-punch a witty at times, but mostly pedestrian Passda in the first two rounds for the win before JJDD pretty much gives up on getting a 30 to instead dish on some much-needed rants on how Grind Time judges battles.
Verdict: John John Da Don (W) 2-1
Favorite line: John John Da Don – “All his Chinese chicken is really Siamese kittens!”
Recap: This being her 6th or 7th battle on Grind Time, you can witness the trials and tribulations Young Gattas had to deal with early in her battle rap career. So regardless of the lack of preparation at times, biased judges, almost always having to face dudes, being gay, a freestyle and punch ability that doesn’t always get appreciated, etc., Gattas’ time in GT makes her a pioneer in battle rap no matter what her won-loss record was there. That said, here against a witty and personal-savvy Tut, after an entertaining and close 3 rounds that could’ve gone either way, a slightly punch-heavier Tut takes the OT for the win.
Verdict: Tut (W) OT
Favorite line: Tut – “I messed with a chick with a body like yours, it was kinda cute…we was probably like 4!”
Synopsis: I agree with the judges (funny watching Swave Sevah and Iron Solomon judging battles) as this was an easy win for Lotta Zay who came with better punchlines, meaner consistent bars and nicer name flips all throughout. Clearly, John John has a lot of growing to do.
Verdict: Lotta Zay (W) 3-0
Best line: Lotta Zay – “His man crying like why you hit him in the mouth for?, he came from the dirty so I hit him with the southpaw!”
Recap: For two rounds anyway, it’s really a battle of ‘Who’s the funniest?’ as Pat Stay and HFK trade personal insults, witty schemes and aggressive jokes with reckless abandon to the delight of a very captive KOTD crowd. However, it’s a more consistently funny Pat Stay who with the help of a couple of nice freestyles, who takes this one before a more condensed HFK salvages the 3rd round.
Verdict: Pat Stay (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Pat Stay – “He’s from Scarborough, but he ain’t never been in no trouble with the law, if he’s got his hands behind his back, he’s just unbuckling his bra!”
Recap: Tek-9 called this a ‘Bodybag’ for Aye Verb, but it definitely wasn’t as Midwest Miles aggressive (‘Watch me make this average bitch look great on cam, I’m Photoshop”) bars and rugged punchlines certainly got him round 1. But from there Aye Verb got serious and basically took over the battle, using witty (“Don’t Miles look like the mechanic from the hood that say ‘pop your hood’ [puffs cigarette]…’nah, nah, nah it ain’t your starter, it’s your alternator'”) personals, rich performance bars and some nifty wordplay to take rounds 2 and 3 with the fierce tenacity, when motivated, he’s long been known for.
Verdict: Aye Verb (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Aye Verb – “I’m swine flu times two, with no pork in my chest”
Synopsis: In your face personals, bars, schemes, rebuttals, punchlines, total disrespect…from the opening coin toss it’s all there as Hollow took this one with relative ease. Especially nice when you consider he went up against a guy who usually plays so well for the home crowd.
Verdict: Hollow da Don (W) 2-1
Best line: Hollow da Don – “I said I don’t think his English superb, he weak with the nouns and flow lame with the verbs, [so] if you go back to his name it refers….he just ok (Ok) with words (werdz)”
Recap: A sometimes hitting Monk Mcnasty does his best comedy routine, dishes a few Arabic jokes and spouts some steely narratives here against Dizaster to stay competitive. But over the course of 3 rounds Diz’s rampant freestyle game, punch-heavy theatrics and witty personals prove to be too much for McNasty and gets Diz the 3-0.
Verdict: Monk McNasty (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Monk McNasty – “Man, fuck you and Genghis Khan, man the way you look right now you make me wanna mail a bomb to the nearest nail salon!”
Recap: “Razor blades, more plates! Razor blades, more plates!” Always entertaining that Tech-9. But in a battle that was a lot closer than a lot of people give it credit for, Arsonal’s ability to spit lines just as (“Fake no-name ass nigga! Type to get a nose-ring ass nigga!’) comical as Tech’s, along with better deliveries, personals and performance (“She cherish my semen, she wanted to bottle my shit, I told her leave it on ya pillow bitch, you’ll acknowledge my shit!”) bars, got him this one.
Verdict: Arsonal da Rebel (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Arsonal – “He probably fuck 4 bitches in his life…and they all fat!”
Recap: Dope Midwest matchup between Hitman Holla and Big T sees Mr. Chillackaboo take round one with richer performance bars, frenzied set-ups and more amiable (“He represent the Loo right?, everybody it’s history, not because I’m about to beat the shit out of him lyrically, y’all about to see a nigga put St. Louis out of misery [Missouri]”) wordplay. Holla stepped it up in round two, using rich (“Nigga, you soft-ass teddy bear, you wouldn’t swing on a Wie!”; “In high school all you did was beg for nigga’s lunches, ain’t even smoke, always had the munches”) personals and dope storytelling bars to edge what was a pretty (“you September 12th when the towers fell, everything’s watered down”) nice, but not as strong turn from Big T. Tied going into the last round, Holla’s turn is shorter than Big T’s but more condensed as his stellar delivery and flow add shine to ferocious bars that had him cutting up Big T’s grandma chest ‘like a violin’ in the midst of more jokes on T’s physique. Still, besides a little filler here and there, Big T came back nicely with delicious gun bars, gritty street chatter and some comical mockery of Hitman’s hometown style of lingo. Indeed, both did well enough to call this one a draw.
Verdict: TIE
Favorite line: Big T – “I let two hit me, then another two hit me. Then a fa-la-fa-FEW! hit me, I thinking ‘the fuck am I fighting for?, I got that chi-lacka-BOO! wit me, boo boo with me, boo boo boo boo with me!!!”
Recap: For two guys with only 10 minutes prep, you can’t ask for much more than this dope, freestyle battle between Dizaster and Vision. Indeed, the competition was tight for all 3 rounds. And while Vision stayed steady with his off-the-dome skills and made for some solid punches throughout, a more witty, impromptu and biting with the personals Diz does enough to take all 3 rounds in the end.
Verdict: Dizaster (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Dizaster – “This muthafucka wrote a horoscope a letter and it wrote him back, it said ‘Dear Homie, this is your zodiac, you already know you’re fat and you didn’t need us to show you that’!“
Recap: Yet another judge’s mishap from Grind Time as a sometimes filler-prone, but punch-heavier and more versatile John John Da Don clearly took rounds 1 and 3 here from an inconsistent 30/30 for the win. But Grind Time being Grind Time, amongst 5 judge’s, only Direct gets the decision right. Thus, an OT round that shouldn’t have taken place allows a more prepared 30/30 to get the “win’ as well as JJDD’s $400 bucks.
Verdict: John John Da Don (W) 2-1 (not including OT round)
Favorite line: John John Da Don – “Why 30/30?, you don’t aim for them crosses, you probably got your name from your age and your losses!”
Recap: His flow remarkable and his bite mean, Shotgun Suge goes on a verbal (“This ain’t a battle, this a nightmare on Suge street!”) rampage against the oft-drab and freestyle-heavy Buddy, even threatening grandmothers on his way to earning an easy 3-0 win.
Verdict: Shotgun Suge (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Shotgun Suge – “Fight too much, my hands swollen, so I’m a grab the AA-12 and he can get picked first round, like Greg Oden!”
Recap: Incorporating a boatload of nifty punches to his rhymes to go along with aggressive spiels on the neighborhood strife life, righteous gun bars and willful boasts, Jai 400 Blocks manages to beat back a couple of solid and at times witty turns by Duke in the opening rounds of this Block City TV 3-rounder, before a shortened turn by Jai in the 3rd round coupled with better bar efficiency from his opponent erases any chance of a shutout.
Verdict: Jai 400 Block (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Jai 400 Block – “No chest shots, believe, I’m a squeeze at ya head, chrome 5th get blown quick, you could sleep when you dead!”
Recap: As Yung Ill mused, “Ill be schooling niggas for free, tell ’em come get they scholarship”. Which may explain why so many fans still root for the St. Louis spitter to this day, despite personal demons that have caused huge blowbacks on what was once a thriving battle career. Evident in full here during the infamous “Smack, who is this nigga?” battle, as a wry Ill leans heavy on winning anecdotes, nice personals, amiable wordplay and hard-hitting (“I’m on my shit again, no diaper rash, just pipes and mags for niggas that like to flash they ice and cash, or play Pac…till we Suge Knight they ass!”) bars to take out a strong-willed (“A lot of niggas know the plug, but I’m the power strip”; “He say he in that drop top, I say good now he can get his top popped…John F. Kennedy”) and competitive, but not-quite-ready-for-primetime, Calicoe.
Verdict: Yung Ill (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Yung Ill – “See, Detroit likes hockey and since Eminem y’all captain, I guess all the black rappers the waterboys”
Recap: A mean and witty Charron impression gets opponent Syco the 2nd round. But one too many over-the-top and hilarious Asian jokes along with other spirited personals and piercing rebuttals/punchlines in rounds 1 and 3 gives Charron the vic in this entertaining 3-rounder from KOTD.
Verdict: Charron (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Charron – “In high school my teachers yell at me for chatting and being so late, his teachers yell at him for sleeping in class [points at and raises eyebrows]…when he was really awake!”
Synopsis: Definition of a bodybag. Even worse, word has it James paid for Con to come out to St. Louis so he could battle him. Let’s just hope that if Jesse has kids, they never watch this video of their pops getting slaughtered like this.
Verdict: Conceited (W) 1-0
Best Line: “Even if he living single I’ll run in his crib and dump the desi, kill everybody in that full house, even your uncle, jesse”
Recap: Deftly tailoring his rhymes to his opponent’s home base, but also tossing in some witty barbs and piercing punchlines/personals along the way, after a debatable 1st round Big Kannon does enough damage to beat back a solid, fat jokes-bent showing from PT in this 3-rounder from Grind Time Midwest.
Verdict: Big Kannon (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Big Kannon – “But not knowing if the GOAT is real will get this ho from Minnesota killed, that Vikings shit died when you step into a Soldier’s Field!”
Synopsis: When it comes to aggressive bars I don’t know if anyone beats Rich Dolarz. Of course, the problem for Rich isn’t wordplay or performance, but whether or not he can go 3 rounds without choking. That said, this battle with a not-quite-yet-at-his peak DNA was a solid show from a couple of east coast battle rappers in their own, grimy backyard on Grain Time. I thought Rich easily took round 1, while DNA landed batter jabs (“not even the president wanted dolarz, that’s why he wanted to make change”) in the second. However, Rich’s third, which featured a crazy nice A-to-Z scheme and some solid personals, gave him the edge in my book.
Verdict: Rich Dolarz (W) 2-1
Best line: Rich Dolarz – “he gay, not joyful happy, he gay, boys and ass cheeks”
Recap: No one can dispute the fact that Shotgun Suge was aggressive and stayed talking that shit early in his rap battle career as seen here versus Philly’s Stats Money. As for the battle itself, it’s a wrap early on as Suge’s steady beastmode (“If you brave enough to die, then you brave enough to clap, if you brave to clap, get 30 dozens in your back!”) pathology proves to be way too much for Stats fast-rap speak and off-the-dome verbal kerfuffles.
Verdict: Shotgun Suge (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Shotgun Suge – “You soft like wet bread, come in your hood and your whole set dead, like 300!”
Recap: Not sure what happened in Jai 400 Block’s 1st round which seemed to have gotten cut short here, but whatever, as in the latter two rounds Jai, dishing nothing much outside of rampant heat, rugged boasts and utter mayhem, was able to up the ante on his bar efficiency and beat back a just as aggressive and gritty, but less potent over time Kold Hearted.
Verdict: Jai 400 Block (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Jai 400 Block – “You got cute rhymes, how you shoot .9’s, this nigger wouldn’t cut a coupon…in the due time!
