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Heartless defeats Lotta Zay


 Round 3

Synopsis: Even Lotta Zay’s singing couldn’t bring him close enough to beating Heartless’ exquisite wordplay, punchlines and personals.

Verdict: Heartless (W) 3-0

Best line: Heartless – So when I blow a can, it’s not a clothing brand, when I give Lot 29″

Calicoe defeats B. Silva

Recap: Early Calicoe Grind Time battle sees him come from behind, revel in some nice gun (“B. Silva street? the mag will put a pothole in his face”) bars as well as steady name flips to take out the BX’s B. Silva.

Verdict: Calicoe (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Calicoe – “See I know Ak frail, wannabee a dummy? One shot will turn him into Sonny and that’ll be a Bronx Tale”

Jonny Storm defeats Real Deal

Recap: Consistently going hard after opponent Real Deal with a barrage of stifling punchlines, dope personals, stereotypical, but potent white-boy jokes/themes and some off-the-dome heat, Jonny Storm is able to best a so-so effort from Real Deal in each round and catch a 30 in this 3-rounder from Grind Time.

Verdict: Jonny Storm (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Jonny Storm – “Bitch, you just a nerd rapper, your mom’s a hippie and your dad’s a squirrel master!”

Bigg K defeats Nico

Recap: Rarely changing expressions, but dipped in enough confidence and swag to make Phil Ivey sweat, Bigg K uses a steady stream of gritty wordplay, hardbody street rhymes and stifling punchlines/storytelling bars to handily get past the ill at times, but mostly pedestrian bars of Nico in this 3-rounder from Head Hunters.

Verdict: Bigg K (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Bigg K – “My whole squad getting money, your click broke, as far as bread, you don’t get it liek an inside joke!”

Swave Sevah defeats Knowledge Medina

Recap: After splitting the first two rounds with an aggressive and solid-punching Knowledge Medina, Swave Sevah uses a grandiose variety of boastful darts, witty punchlines and stifling personals in the 3rd round to get an easy win.

Verdict: Swave Sevah (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Swave Sevah – “This nigger look like the missing link between human’s and penguin’s!”

QB (Black Diamond) defeats Sara Kana

Recap: Need further proof that QB has always been (“You’se a faggot rap bitch, you’se a dude with a husband, two niggas fucking in New York, streets is disgusting!”) disrespectful? Check out this early battle against an earnest, but clearly-unable-to-keep-up-with-the-shitstorm-that-hit-her Sara Kana. Indeed, it got so bad for her here that I think Sara retired from battle rap after this.

Verdict: QB (W) 3-0

Favorite line: QB – “I should fuck you up Rosie for trying to impersonate Ricky Lake”

DNA defeats P-Nut

Recap: Yet another Grind Time battle that sees DNA get screwed. I had it 3-0 for DNA in regulation what with DNA going heavy with the wordplay, (“We carry toasters that’ll make ya jump around, since your name’s a peanut [P-Nut] I’mma end your career it started, underground”) bars  and punchlines, while for the most part P-Nut came with basic rhymes while yelling but not saying much (until round 3 at least). Good thing DNA had enough nice name flips and punches to take the OT too.

Verdict: DNA (W) OT

Favorite line:  DNA – “You on Level 3?, this man’s higher, I’ll have nothing but bullets hitting your tee P [teepee] as soon as my camp fire”

Tay Roc defeats 45th Focus

Recap: Slow start by Tay Roc here in this Lionz Den 1-rounder versus a gritty 45th Focus. But with the second half of Roc’s turn featuring more piercing punches and righteous boasts, the Maryland spitter ends up getting the edge here.

Verdict: Tat Roc (W) 1-0

Favorite line: Tay Roc – “That chopper like Red Lobster…you could inhale shells!

Serius Jones defeats Jin

Recap: The classic “Ain’t it 2 billion people in China? You can’t even go platinum over there!” line will live on in infamy and deservedly so. But Serius Jones’ ability to adroitly exquisite his set-ups, his fierce breakdown of Jin’s career inside and outside the ring, Jones’ wit and the sheer cockiness/aggression that comes with his punches (esp. the racial ones) is what really stands out here and in turn, clearly got to Jin (or as Lux would say, ‘Look at him, emotional!’). Still, Jones overwhelming his opponent for two rounds doesn’t take away from Jin returning to form with a solid, punch-heavy round 3 that along with a nice rebuttal, edged him the round and made this battle a little closer than its reputation gives it.

Verdict: Serius Jones  (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Serius Jones – “And when he rap, why you be cheesing all day, what you be doing, E?!?”

O-Red defeats Young Greg

Recap: Both O-Red and Young Greg repeatedly blast the heat when they’re not spouting boastful barbs and lyrical shiners at each other throughout the 3 rounds of this raucous battle from BlockCityTV. But Red, more condensed at times and stunting throughout the bout with more clever lines and consistently spicy punchlines, does enough to take each round for the win.

Verdict: O-Red (W) 3-0

Favorite line: O-Red – “We the only two nigger’s rapping and he in 3rd place!”

Tsu Surf defeats Regular Weez

Recap: Regular Weez’s slow, methodical flow makes for some humorous moments, but an aggressive and guns-a-blazing Tsu Surf, who wasn’t altogether on his A-game bar-wise, is still able to get an easy vic over his opponent’s mostly pedestrian raps.

Verdict: Tsu Surf (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Tsu Surf – “I’m like a sniper, just give me a clean shot, then that thing shot, don’t jump for this Juice, that’s the thing that got Raheem shot!”

Cortez defeats J-Dice

Recap: Elongated throughout the battle, J-Dice still unleashes enough gritty punches, witty barbs and Mexican jokes to edge round 1. But afterwards this bout was pretty much all Cortez, as while Dice wasted bars on other’s in the room and the quality of his rhymes decreased, the CT rapper’s more condensed adversary got busy with a gang of piercing punchlines/boasts, head-twisting mayhem, fiery personals and a couple of dope freestyles/rebuttals to easily take the latter two rounds for the win.

Verdict: Cortez (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Cortez – “I cook up and I shook up crews, his future’s not bright but judging by your height you got a lot you could look up too!”

Bigg K defeats Soprano (aka G4)

Recap: Even with only the first two rounds being available for your viewing pleasure, Bigg K’s rampant punchlines and steady wisecracks are able to run circles around Soprano.

Verdict: Bigg K (W) 2-0*

Favorite line: Bigg K – “While I was toting my pistol, doing bids, shaving crack, you was blowing ya whistlend telling kids ‘Take a lap!'”

* – designates no 3rd round to view

Math Hoffa defeats T-Rex

Recap: Long-awaited showdown between T-Rex and Math Hoffa serves as the first ever URL.TV Main Event, making it a classic no matter what went down. That said, overall it’s Rex’s delivery that lets him down (i.e. ‘girl let me thriller’ – ‘Thriller’?; “I be in Math house when I want some head, I’m ass naked in his living room like ‘Math you want some eggs'”?!?) at times, but Rex’s consistent (“Move!, he pissed Rex off, now he seeing tek’s drawn, dots on his Lex door like I’m playing Connect Four”) aggression and a lazy, joke-heavy 2nd round from Math lets Rex even things up after Math got the first with better punches (“I’m like an A-bomb popping off, Molotov, I spit a Molotov cocktail and spit a Holocaust!”) and versatility. Although Rex still had some gritty (“Little sister had a problem with me digging her out, she was so young I made the Airplane noise tp put my dick in her mouth”) bars left at the end, but last round sees Math win it gripping (“No matter who you battle, you never gonna shine ’cause you living in Mook’s shadow”) personals, wild jokes and a richer performance.

Verdict: Math Hoffa (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Math Hoffa – “You should take Viagra, you might get a little taller”

Big T defeats Deacon Frost

 

Synopsis: First, nice of Smack to never, ever let Star host a battle ever again after this unprofessional debacle. Secondly, Frost doesn’t get near enough props for his bars or how funny (“Pockets lumped up crazy bee sting, Big T first nigga I seen make a ACG lean”) he can be. Third, while this was close throughout, at the end the edge goes to Big T for more consistent wordplay and overall, slightly better bars.

Verdict: Big T (W) 2-1

Best line: Big T – “Don’t let me hear you cremating her, (cuz) I’ll go to the crib and Lebron James the remains of her”

Shotgun Suge defeats D.P

Recap: Pure utter mayhem, vengeance and retribution are the orders of the day as a punch-heavy Shotgun Suge leaves no stone unturned in this 3-round dismantling of a bar-prolific, but mostly pedestrian D.P.

Verdict: Shotgun Suge (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Shotgun Suge – “You faggot, you skittle, can you taste the rainbow!?”

Cortez defeats X-Factor

Recap: Take out X-Factor’s choke in round one and you have a pretty good battle between him and Cortez here in this early URL/Smack battle. Both came hard with plenty of personals, working punchlines and heavy bars, but Cortez took it overall by adding better wordplay, more consistent lines and continual name flips that repeatedly scored. However, besides the kid from Brooklyn getting the win, this battle should also be noted to refute those who still say they’ve never seen what’s under X-Factor’s cap.

Verdict: Cortex (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Cortez – “Just to get a head [ahead] he be giving neck, only time’s X’s on paper when he incorrect”

Head Ice defeats Quest MCODY

Recap: Dope 3rd round by Quest MCODY doesn’t make up for too many lame (“If you were a puck, a hockey player wouldn’t put you on ice”) name flips during the first couple of rounds against Head Ice who faltered a little bit towards the end, but still had enough (“Try to see me the water’s deeper, you could die in the floor, ask those who really saw Katrina”) left in his tank to pull out the win.

Verdict: Head Ice (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Head Ice – “I know the real McGruff so if I start to fire I’m good”

O-Red defeats Hann Smith

Recap: Unintentionally funny at times and showing off an ability to spit ‘more bars than Rahway’, throughout this battle, Hann Smith’s freestyle acumen was pretty impressive, however long-winded it certainly was as well. But outside of a 3rd round in which he mistakenly thought he could bring as much quality, off-the-dome theatrics as his opponent, a way more condensed O-Red was still able to utilize a gang of boastful darts, plenty of drawn-out but spicy mayhem and some fiery wordplay/punches to take both of the opening rounds for the win.

Verdict: O-Red (W) 2-1

Favorite line: O-Red – “Throwback Trigger [Tigga] nigger, your rap’s in the basement!”

Tsu Surf defeats Torch

Recap: My guess is that Tsu Surf was onto something when after this battle he said ‘it was over when we got here’ as Surf’s rapid braggadocio bars and explicit gun lines easily took down the second-rate linguistics of Torch.

Verdict: Tsu Surf (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Tsu Surf – “All on that dash, I’m high off the hash, shoot ya in the future, push your brain to the past!”

Midwest Miles defeats Rich Dolarz

Round 2

Round 3

Synopsis: Credit Miles for handling Rich’s choke in a commendable way, other than Tech-9 being so on point, there’s really not much else to say here.

Verdict: Midwest Miles (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Midwest Miles – “You the worst rapper from the Bronx since Drag-On”

Cortez defeats Head I.C.E.*

Recap: This battle caused a lot of controversy what with many feeling Cortez got robbed by 3 celebrity judges who knew little about battle rap. However, upon a closer look this battle was a lot closer than people give it credit for. Sure, Cortez was steady dropping haymakers (“Let’s state facts I’m 25 and I’m ballin’, it’s just my life, Ice your 40-plus, you just got nice!”), but real bar for bar (“Pork niggas who beefing, butter knife his neck, put a fork to his weak chin”) Head Ice pretty much stayed consistent throughout, performed extremely well and easily edged him there. And while Cortez deserves credit for one of his best and most spirited performances on Ice’s home turf, the idea that killed Ice just speaks to those who run with the hype instead of being able to properly judge a battle on their own. That said, I got Cortez edging the 1st and 3rd rounds and Ice clearly taking the OT, tho one could argue there shouldn’t have been an overtime to begin with while another could argue this being a debatable.

Verdict: Cortez (W) 2-1 regulation, Head Ice (W) OT

Favorite line: Cortez – “Fuck it I might as well kick the bucket cuz’ I can’t win, Ice you went to school with all the judges!”

John John da God defeats Bok Da God

Recap: Outside of a 2nd round choke, John John Da God stays nice with his, spouting a barrage of piercing punchlines, witty barbs and fiery boasts/name flips to easily beat back a mostly mediocre 3 rounds from Bok Da God in this one-sided battle from Grind Time.

Verdict: John John Da God (W) 2-1

Favorite line: John John Da God – “You pussy Blood, what set you claim, PMS?!?”

Charron defeats JWalker

Recap: Dishing fire rebuttals in each round to go along with a couple of well-loaded schemes as well as a plethora of witty punchlines/personals/4-bar setups, a charged-up Charron easily beats back a hitting at times, but mostly subpar effort from JWalker in this 3-rounder from KOTD.

Verdict: Charron (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Charron – “I said put your money where your mouth is…he swallowed his shoes!”

Heartless defeats Syd Vicious

Round 3

Synopsis: Woah. Looks here like a lot of Grind Time inner friction got exposed in this matchup. Still a good battle tho. I got Heartless clearly taking round 1 and edging round 2 to get the win

Verdict: Heartless (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Heartless – “Now that it comes to me, y’all wanna hear something amusing? This fat nigga actually said he’d jump me, nigga you couldn’t even jump to conclusions”.

Soul Khan defeats Z.M.

Synopsis: Z.M. does a great Soul Khan impression and that “wet bandits” punchline was hilarious, but Soul Khan just had too many wicked bars, personals and fat jokes (“I got the words primed to detonate and serve fry this heavyweight, how you gonna clown me when your shirt size is escalade?’) for him to stand a chance.

Verdict: Soul Khan (W) 3-0

Best line: Soul Khan – “…and your stretch marks look like the barcode on your favorite SMACK tape”

PC and John John da Don [DEBATABLE]

Recap: Pretty close 3-rounder from Grind Time with John John da Don facing off against PC in a battle that came with your usual assortment of festive (JJDD: “Top gonna crack when the rocket snap, I’ll blow his eyes from the spine, make him watch his back!”) gun bars, rugged boasts, solid punchlines and casual name flips. And while both battlers were prone for filler here and there, with the best bar of the round PC took a very close 1s, before a punch-heavier JJDD edged the 2nd round. The deciding 3rd round, even in length, was pretty mediocre on both sides with very little on the haymakers. making this one a draw.

Verdict: TIE

Favorite line: PC – “Don’t hype him up, get him souped like Wan Tan, I’ll pull the shotty and have him smelling like a porta potty, that’s the definition of a john, John!”

Real Deal defeats Rugged

Recap: One of the most competitive and better Grind Time battles to ever drop, Real Deal and Rugged go at it for 3 crazy, punchline-lit rounds and rarely let up with both battlers dropping a fleet of fiery personals, hilarious racial barbs/impressions and stinging punches. A battle that also had $300 on the line, it’s a slightly more condensed Real Deal who gets the win and the cash after coming back to edge the 2nd and 3rd (in which RD dished a fire rebuttal) rounds after getting edged in the 1st.

Verdict: Real Deal (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Real Deal – “Stick to your terrorist plots and fucking sinister tactics, got a daughter pushing her big wheel into buildings as practice!”

Bigg K defeats TV

Recap: On battle rap name alone, Bigg K outshines the very monotone TV. And when it came to bars….it’s even more of a clobbering as while TV scored some shiners here and there, his mostly pedestrian raps were no contest for Bigg K’s repeated onslaught of flexing (“I’ll backhand ya son, take a dump on his cupcake!”) haymakers, rapid punchlines and jovial anecdotes.

Verdict: Bigg K (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Bigg K – “I mean you call yourself TV, that’s the dumbest shit I heard in my life, he got a brother named ‘Couch’ and a cousin named ‘Light’!”

Marv Won defeats Aye Verb

Synopsis: A longtime battle rapper incorporates storytelling, jokes, nice angles, subversive themes, personals and performance into his bars and not surprisingly, it works. If only the Marvwon we see today studied his first two rounds versus Aye Verb here on the seminal Grind Time, and showed us more often just how dope he can be.

Verdict: Marvwon (W) 2-1

Best line: “Marvwon – “When I make a St. Louis nigga’ body flip, it will not be Ozzie Smith”

Dizaster defeats Organik

Recap: Yeah, KOTD founder Organik has been running the infamous Canadian league for so long that you couldn’t be faulted if you forgot that he used to be a battle rapper himself. And while Organik’s effort here against Dizaster is solid, one too many pedestrian bars in addition to Diz’s hilarious personals, frenetic punchlines and spiteful boasts over the course of 3 rounds were just way too much and should have you questioning the acumen of the two judges at the end who thought this mostly one-sided battle should go to (Yes, there is an O.T. round for this battle, but with Grind Time’s noted love for overtime battles that had no rhyme or reason to go there, I’m not including it here) O.T.

Verdict: Dizaster (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Dizaster – “You stupid fuck, what the fuck is a Canuck?!?”

Arsonal defeats Conceited

 

Synopsis: This is like Arsonal took a trip around the world, found every short joke he could find and brought them all with him to this battle. And it worked for a couple of reasons: this is Grind Time, a battle league where jokes matter over bars and the simple fact that Conceited seemed to put all of his energy for this battle into his classic round one–a great round no less, but too bad for Con this wasn’t a one-rounder.

Verdict: Arsonal (W) 2-1

WTF: Conceited’s hype man, who for all the wrong reasons, has gotten as much shine as this battle has–any wonder we haven’t seen him since?

Best line: Arsonal – “I’ll fuck you up physically, no handwork, all kicks”

DNA defeats Rone

Recap: What with any excuse to do an OT being the Grind Time way, DNA knows that he can’t rely on hot bars and (“If it’s beef then my dudes gonna spark, just cuz’ you look like Mr. Boston don’t mean you gonna win New York’s heart”) punchlines to guarantee a win over Rone. Good thing he has the presence of mind to strap himself with a bomb and threaten to blow the place up if he doesn’t get his just due….smh, the things they make you do sometimes.

Verdict: DNA (W) 3-0

Favorite line: DNA – “And we all know you not the hottest with spitting, because if dad knew you was Grind Time he wouldn’t pay for your college tuition!”

Hollow da Don defeats Passwurdz

Part 2

Synopsis: Passwurdz gave Hollow a worthy battle here, but to think Hollow flipped his name so well here that Pass would later change it–then too is the fact that to many of Passwurdz average lines got gassed up by the hometown crowd. Take in the boatload of dope rebuttals by da Don on display here too and he definitely got a road win here.

Verdict: Hollow da Don (W) 3-1

Best line: Hollow da Don – “Ignore his dickriders, they gonna hype him up like he tough. he’ll rhyme ‘hollow’ with ‘swallow’ and they’ll be like ‘Whoooo!!! How does he write this stuff!'” and “Last I heard he was a wack nerd that ain’t been seen since Chap shirts, I’m like y’all that’s normal, y’all ain’t supposed to see him, he’s a password”

GhiftD defeats Young Gattas

Recap: After the two split the first couple of rounds, a Gattas choke in round 3 to go along with a bunch of hitting ‘Man’ flips by a direct and hardbody GhiftD, gives the latter the win in this 3-rounder from Grind Time.

Verdict: GhiftD (W) 2-1

Favorite line: GhiftD – “There ain’t shit about Gattas that impress me, ‘cuz I’m looking at her like ‘Damn, where the ass go, where her chest be?!'”

Conceited and Cortez [DEBATABLE]

Synopsis: No disrespect to Cortez, who came off with a killer instinct throughout here (esp. the BK scheme in round one), enough gumption to enter the last round with the lead. But you could watch this battle for Conceited’s round 3 alone, one of the Top 10 rounds in battle rap history in my opinion. Breaking down Cortez’s over-the-top “rah rah” style, dropping gems on his losses, getting his entourage to go quiet, exquisite punchlines and dope bars, it’s all there, arguably Conceited at his best.

Verdict: TIE

Best line: Conceited – “See I’m flyer than a cockpit, I pick up cats like a chopstick!”

Miracle defeats Pat Stay



Recap: In a battle that early on looked to be a one-sided affair what with Pat Stay’s hardbody, but also jocular stylings easily taking round 1 over a mostly pedestrian turn from Miracle, Pat’s opponent uses some spicy punchlines of his own to edge round 2 before–with some help from Pat forgetting his rhymes and having to freestyle his way through the deciding round 3–Miracle again snaps with a bunch of fiery personals and punches to win the match and complete an impressive comeback.

Verdict: Miracle (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Miracle – “So answer me this, Pat if you a Sucka-free boss, what does that make me when ya mom’s sucking me off?!”

DNA defeats Loe Pesci

Recap: One of the rare times when I actually agree that a battle should’ve went to OT as DNA solely using a short alphabet scheme in round 3 was kind of lazy to me (tho it was nicely done). Still, while Pesci had a couple of nice (“You got a record? What’s that shit in the Giuness book about yo? you the only cat on earth that can whistle with is mouth closed?”) lines in the extra round they definitely weren’t haymakers, then too DNA’s OT round provided more spark (“His girl’s pussy’s like Drake, the Best I Ever Had”), consistency and variety to edge it.

Verdict: DNA (W) OT

Favorite line: DNA – “The extra hands they’ll stuffed in a bag, while you getting this Caesar the knife will him one and a half”

Goodz defeats Tech-9

Synopsis: Damn, Tec-9 put on a great show, fully entertaining as hell with a wicked performance to match.. But Goodz put on a pretty dope show too (with plenty of swag, as usual) and going in tied, Goodz clearly out-barred Tec in round 3 for the win.

Verdict: Goodz (W) 2-1

Best line: Tech-9 – “I go shopping I see it I like it nigga, the receipts pop up after I swipe it nigga, when you swipe it they tell you to re-enter your code, you come up with excuses say they got your — on hold”

Real Deal defeats Cortez

Synopsis: I agree with judges with Cortez edging the 1st, while Real Deal takes the 2nd and 3rd with better bars, personals and performance (that Any Emcee getting prepared in the booth impression killed!).

Verdict: Real Deal (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Real Deal – “How the fuck are you thorough when Cortez means courteous in Spanish?”

Nuborn defeats Complex

Recap: Good one here between Nuborn and Complex. And after two debatable rounds, the feeling here was that a punch-heavier Nuborn easily took the deciding 3rd, which in part was also helped by Complex losing some steam. But this being Grind Time, of course we had to see an O.T. and while both battlers dished some clean solid rounds, Nuborn’s fire rebuttal definitely gave him the edge there.

Verdict: Nuborn (W) 2-1 + O.T.

Favorite line: Nuborn – “See?, I’m getting that work in, when them trigger’s is bursting, it’ll have you, Biggie and Pun fighting over Twinkies in person!”

Dizaster defeats MR. ET

Synopsis: Clearly MR. ET had no idea what he was getting into as his generic bars were no match for Dizaster’s name flips, personals, freestyles and all-around shit-talking.

Verdict: Dizaster (W) 2-0

Favorite line: Dizaster – “You ain’t really hype with the goons, faggot go fly a bike over a moon!”

Conceited defeats Illmaculate

Synopsis: “And another thing that got me real pissed about you, your nickname’s Ill but besides your health there’s nothing sick about you!”, “Since this battle’s for cheese it’s gonna be Easy Mac”, “When the scope is on it’s like Pokeman, I’ll peek at you and blast toys!”….literally raining down punchline after punchline on an earnest Illmaculate, a fully loaded Conceited catches a body on the Fresh coast and doesn’t leave fingerprints.

Verdict: Conceited (W) 3-0

Best line: Conceited – “Once I let all the guns and the clips blow, for the first time y’all gonna see a Mac running through Windows”

DNA defeats Lil Farnum

Recap: One proposed rule for judged battles: don’t use battle rappers, use random experts outside the ring instead. Yeah, obviously having been in the ring themselves, battle rappers can bring a high level amount of expertise to determining a winner. But as Okwerdz (who amazingly enough already had Lil Farnum edging each of the first 3 rounds) shows here, battle rappers also, even if unintended, bring their own share of biases/style preferences as there’s no way in hell Okwerdz can say that DNA didn’t bring personals to his OT round when just playing the tape shows he did. Either way, in yet another Grind Time battle that shouldn’t have been brought to OT in the first place (I got a more versatile DNA winning 2-1 before the OT), it’s still a more witty, personal and less predictable DNA who got robbed.

Verdict: DNA (3-1) w/ OT

Favorite line: DNA – “Your mom’s caught my dick in CPU, it’s always where your mother board!”

Iron Solomon defeats Shirt ‘N Tie

 

Synopsis: First of all, I love barbershop battles! Secondly, WTF happened to Shirt ‘N Tie? For being a Jay-Z clone what with that moniker alone he should’ve had a longer career in rap. Third, this is Iron Solomon at his best: a mix of bars, freestyles, aggression, rebuttals all the while funny as hell.

Verdict: Iron Solomon (W) 3-0

Best line: Iron Solomon – “You coming weak as fuck on this rap shit, so maybe you’d be better off sweeping up some giraffe shit, and you can tell his career ain’t about shit, because I seen his last DVD and he’s wearing the same outfit”

Aye Verb and Hollow da Don [TIE]

Recap: Classic matchup between Aye Verb and Hollow da Don in St. Louis, sees a more direct Verb go at a somewhat coy and less versatile Hollow with aggressive punches and hardbody personals to take the 1st round, before Hollow returns the favor with a fire, condensed turn that featured a couple of nice rebuttals and (“You just about as real as them two glass rocks in your ear!”) freestyles along with adventurous set-ups and stinging punchlines that combined to beat back a less stirring turn by Verb. With only two rounds, call this one a tie.

Verdict: TIE

Favorite line: Aye Verb – “You wouldn’t Murder Inc. Hollow, you couldn’t kill an instrumental!”

Iron Solomon defeats Flamez

Recap: Arguably the first battle rapper to go through an entire match with his shirt off, Flamez real writtens (most of his bars anyway) are still no match for Iron Solomon’s freestyles, personals and all out zealotry.

Verdict: Iron Solomon (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Iron Solomon – “And we met outside the Virgin mega store, which is ironic because his wife is a non virgin mega whore”

Math Hoffa defeats Iron Solomon

Recap: Math Hoffa got this one over with early, using fierce bully (“I could get Iron snatched just for trying Math, have him like a skinny white girl, can’t find his ass”) bars, rich punchlines and too-funny (“I said ‘Iron I got that butta. what’s crackin’?’, he said ‘I’m more of a Parkay guy, it’s less fattening”) jokes/schemes in the first couple of rounds to take out what he not only predicted in Iron’s repeated use of name flips, but recycled/substandard bars that more often than not didn’t match Solomon’s aggression. Thus, by the time Iron found his groove (“He looking at me like white boys can’t jump, till I step off the bench and light ya ass up!”/I’m an upcoming pump, you the worst kind of whore, that gets fucked once and quits ‘cuz your vagina sore!”) in a round 3, it was too late.

Verdict: Math Hoffa (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Math Hoffa – “I got a thing for your sister, you outta notice, she the first white girl that I smashed, we met at Lotus, she took the kid raw so I could spray on her faster, I felt like caviar the way I came on a cracker [cracka]”

Hitman Holla and Rich Dolarz [TIE]

Recap: From the same Street Status card that featured Aye Verb vs. Hollow da Don for two rounds, a more gritty and mayhem/punch-lit (“Y’all got the best room at the Hilton going against a Motel 6?!”) Hitman Holla takes round 1, before a more nuanced and brazen Rich Dolarz took the 2nd to make this battle a draw.

Verdict: TIE

Favorite line: Rich Dolarz – “St. Louis how could he win?, I mean Chingy hotter than him!”

Iron Solomon defeats Madness

Recap: Madness shows he can go toe-to-toe with Iron Solomon….for one around anyway, before Solomon bodies him in a heap of nice rebuttals, fresh (“Florida’s idea of lyricism is Trick Daddy!”) quoteables, funny personals and all-out haymakers.

Verdict: Iron Solomon (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Iron Solomon – “You ain’t white, you just caught too many nuts in your face”

Iron Solomon defeats Jin

 

Synopsis: Don’t let all the haters in the crowd fool you, because Jin’s round one was pretty nice (and he had some decent rebuttals throughout too). However, this wasn’t about how good Iron was (I think even he’d admit that overall this wasn’t his best performance, tho the Canibus line in rd. 2 was hot), so much as it was about Jin losing steam so fast that you almost got the feeling he wasn’t inspired. For that alone, it was pretty easy for Iron to edge the former champion.

Verdict: Iron Solomon (W) 2-1

Best line: Jin – “The real Solomon was a king, this clown seems more of a diva, so after I make you my bitch you could call yourself the Queen of Sheba”

Iron Solomon defeats G. Sizzle

Recap: Street battles are where Iron Solomon made his name from and his on-the-spot/rebuttal game was always superb as G. Sizzle more than finds out here. Close in the 2nd (G. Sizzle: “I carry more weight than a white boy with a hiking bag”) round, but clearly outclassing his opponent in the 1st and 3rd, this “Cracker Jew” showed early on that he was nothing to be played with.

Verdict: Iron Solomon (W) 2-1

Favorite line: Iron Solomon – “You just mad ‘cuz your girl’s address ends in dot.com”

Charron defeats Sandman

Recap: Even early on in his battle rap career Charron was displaying a dope freestyle game, mixing up a gang of nifty off-the-dome heaters–here in his KOTD debut against a very pedestrian Sandman (who didn’t matters by tossing that shirt at Charron in round 1)–with agile punchlines, spicy rebuttals and witty personals to score an easy 30.

Verdict: Charron (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Charron – “Siamese prostitutes wouldn’t give two fucks about you!”

Real Deal defeats Ex-l

Recap: No contest here as Real Deal’s fresh combo of zany impressions, stifling punchlines and witty/mocking personals combine to easily take down the mostly subpar raps from Ex-l in this 3-rounder from Grind Time.

Verdict: Real Deal (W) 3-0

Favorite line: Real Deal – “All that judging battles that you do, you think you’d know how to win one!”

Dizaster defeats Surgeon General

Recap: Surgeon General’s aggressive and at times witty personals gets him off to a hot start here against Dizaster, but halfway through his choice to lean on more lyrical darts hurts in the end as the General’s oft-pedestrian bars in both the 3rd and 4th rounds allows Diz’s already bodacious (“You threaten kids on the Net, but you never end up scrapping, the punchlines are like your punches in real life…they both never happen!”) rants and other eccentric boasts/punches to easily take the latter rounds for the win.

Verdict: Dizaster (W) 3-1

Favorite line: Surgeon General – “I saw you in the car you’re in, you and Illmaculate battle look like Bert and Ernie arguing!”

Hollow da Don defeats Illmaculate

Part 2
Synopsis: From Grind Time, a classic 3rd round by a punch/personal-lit Hollow Da Don that featured a crazy Hulkamania impression gets the Queens, NY battler the win. But let it be noted that Illmac practically gave it up this battle with some wack freestyling after edging round 1.

Verdict: Hollow da Don (W) 2-1

Best line: Hollow da Don – “So why you wanna battle a street nigga?, stick to the computer thugs, cuz you come thru the hood, I’ll smack you down, pat you down…then roof your drugs!”

Cortez defeats Soul Khan


Overtime

Synopsis: Honestly, I had Soul Khan edging this one after 3 rounds with better jokes, rebuttals and punchlines versus Cortez’s aggressive bars and wordplay. But Tez got the OT from the judges and combined with SK stopping early, easily took advantage, clearly showing that you can never go wrong with being more prepared than your opponent.

Verdict: Cortez (W) OT

Best line: Soul Khan – “That was a garbage-ass round, he was spitting pitifully, I’m G. Dep? [well] Your chick hit me up for a special delivery”

PH defeats Dizaster

Recap: An OT battle just because the fans requested it?!? Well, that’s Grind Time for ya. Still, thank goodness PH (who I thought edged it in regulation, 2-1) came prepared for the extra round, continuing to deliver stinging (“Eyebrow hair so fucking think, one raised eyebrow could raise roofs”) jokes, personals and punchlines to beat out Dizaster’s constant aggression, but inconsistent execution, storytelling bars and wordplay.

Verdict: PH (W) OT

Favorite line: PH – “I seen cyclones and tornadoes destroy everything in they path, you’re more like a handheld fan, a silent fart out a fat bitch’s ass”

DNA defeats AKA

Recap: Some nice punchlines and rebuttals by AKA throughout this match, but a more consistent and punch/scheme-heavy DNA takes this Grind Time battle that yet again had no business going to OT.

Verdict: DNA (W) 3-1 w/ OT

Favorite line: DNA – “His job told him Take Five, this dickhead went and played the Lotto!”