No Bias. No Narratives.
Recap: In this 2-rounder from a Scribble Jam event that took place in Cincinnati, OH, Iron Solomon dishes some scathing personals and piercing freestyles/punchlimnes at a pedestrian punching Pass to easily get the win.
Verdict: Iron Solomon (W) 2-0
Favorite line: Iron Solomon – “You could spit those multiple’s till your ???, I’ll be at the hotel giving your girl multiple orgasms!”
Recap: Close in both rounds with Iron Solomon and Zeale each spouting some spicy freestyles, it’s the slightly more consistent nice, disrespectful and slick-talking Solomon who gets the edge in rounds 1 and 2 for the win in this Scribble Jam contest from Cincinnati.
Verdict: Iron Solomon (W) 2-0
Favorite line: Iron Solomon – “Look, it’s not ‘cuz I’m short that I’m so angry, it’s ‘cuz I fucked the shit out of your mom and the bitch didn’t thank me!”
Recap: Ahh, the 2000’s with throwback jersey’s, XXXL white T’s and battle rap rounds under a minute…those were good ‘ole days. Besides that, with some fire rebuttals/personals mixed in, Iron Solomon easily outpunches 9DM in this 2-rounder from Brainstorm 2004.
Verdict: Iron Solomon (W) 2-0
Favorite line: Iron Solomon – “I’m gonna tear him apart, his chin strap’s so big it looks like he’s wearing a scarf!”
Round 1 Round 2
Round 3
Synopsis: If you’re somehow able to stay awake during HollyHood’s rounds, watch Shotgun Suge go off, grizzly bear mode while bullying his opponent with aggressive bar (including some hilarious tributes to Tupac in “Juice”) after bar. Needless to say Suge’s big ass pea coat and HollyHood have both been MIA ever since.
Verdict: Shotgun Suge (W) 3-0
Best line: Shotgun Suge – “Stab your mother in the voice box, now she talking with an auto tune”
Recap: Full Fledge Battleground 2-rounder between Kraze and K-Shine is a mostly one-sided affair as Kraze’s thoro, but laidback stylings couldn’t keep up with the consistent heat delivered from Shine’s stifling schemes, catchy punches, flexing personals, riddling gun bars and brazen storytelling in either round.
Verdict: K-Shine (W) 2-0
Favorite line: K-Shine – “The 38. in a class by itself, that mean the led special!”
Recap: Gun bars-a-blazing and painting some epic pictures of the type of mayhem he can create, outside of a debatable 2nd round, a boastful O-Red easily beats back a punchline-heavy at times, but too gay joke-centric and mostly pedestrian Spunk Whop in this 3-roudner from Waa Battle Circuit.
Verdict: O-Red (W) 2-1
Favorite line: O-Red – “I’ll kick in your mother door popping the mag, out two in her head, your father?, 4 shots to the ass, your grandmama watch me reload, I cock it and blast, that old hag catch a slug through her oxygen mask!”
Recap: As brazen, slick, off-the-dome and punch-heavy as Calicoe was here in this URL 3-rounder vs. Nuborn, what really stood out was just effortless he made it seem. The Detroit rapper incorporating a variety of clever wordplay, fiery personals and dope anecdotes in his raps, when he wasn’t impressively almost free-styling an entire 3rd round. And while Nuborn, one of the nicest punchers in the game around this time, tried to keep things competitive (esp. during a sublime round 3), way too many pedestrian bars from the BX spitter throughout the battle along with Cal’s well-executed 3 rounds of heat, was enough to give the latter a shutout.
Verdict: Calicoe (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Calicoe – “I did an ultrasound on this newborn [Nuborn], I knew he was a bitch before he got here!”
Recap: When it comes to syrupy punchlines, it doesn’t get much better than this as Cocky and Heartless go at it for 3 rounds with frequent set-ups that combined with often wicked, but also witty puns, similes and metaphors, made for one of the best punch-fest’s you’ll ever witness. And while the two Cali spitters also added a bunch of dope personals, daunting street missives and rigid name flips to the bout and kept it entertaining and close throughout with a frequent amount of haymakers on each side, it’s a slightly more consistently biting Cocky who edges the first couple of rounds for the win before Heartless reversed things and edged the 3rd.
Verdict: Cocky (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Cocky – “Fuck a bank, I get longtime money, it’s all fun and games till his guts and his brains hanging out like longtime buddies!”
Recap: All things considered, it would take a cool vet like Head ICE to out-swag Goodz. But this one really came down to, as it usually does…who had the better bars. Something Goodz seemed to run out of as the battle went on, while ICE’s slick talk, storytelling lines and boss chatter stayed moving the needle in his direction as the battle proceeded. Split the first round down the middle. The rest? All ICE.
Verdict: Head ICE (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Head ICE – “And I’m a bark back, come to the dog show, catch you by yourself slipping, expect to get long-nosed!”
Round 2
Round 3
Synopsis: After a competitive 1st round (Frost’s “canoe” line being the highlight), Soul Khan goes full beast mode and takes out Deacon Frost with two rounds of cold jokes (“I’ll take your girl to the movies, she could barely keep her clothes on, you take your girl to the movies and she’s like ‘I already seen this with Soul Khan'”), funny impressions, bars and wicked (“If I snatch you dildo’s would fall out of your pocket”) personals .
Verdict: Soul Khan (W) 2-1
Best line: Soul Khan – “I’ll steal your family dog and cut his abdomen open, then send that bitch home full of plastic explosives”
Recap: In a battle of two KOTD undefeated’s, after a debatable round 1, Charron’s more consistent jocular styling’s, which included a boatload of ya mama jokes and stinging/off-the-dome personals in the latter two rounds easily beats back a much less hitting Lokust.
Verdict: Charron (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Charron – “Your face looks like the ball’s sac of a bear!”
Verdict: O-Red (W) 3-0
Best line: O-Red – “Move your lips too quick, you get pistol-whipped with a rocket launcher”
Recap: From Grind Time, in what was a pretty competitive, personal-lit and punch-heavy 3-rounder that also had some nice rebuttals, gotta disagree with the judges here as after a debatable round 1, had Sahtyre edging round 2 before clearly taking round 3 over Real Deal for the win.
Verdict: Sahtyre (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Sahtyre – “You remind me of that super hero that never could fly, look, it’s a bird, it’s a plane…nope, it’s just a regular guy!”
Recap: Finally, a Grind Time battle where all the judges (and me) were on the same page as John John Da Don uses just about every Asian stereotype he could find to out-punch a witty at times, but mostly pedestrian Passda in the first two rounds for the win before JJDD pretty much gives up on getting a 30 to instead dish on some much-needed rants on how Grind Time judges battles.
Verdict: John John Da Don (W) 2-1
Favorite line: John John Da Don – “All his Chinese chicken is really Siamese kittens!”
Recap: This being her 6th or 7th battle on Grind Time, you can witness the trials and tribulations Young Gattas had to deal with early in her battle rap career. So regardless of the lack of preparation at times, biased judges, almost always having to face dudes, being gay, a freestyle and punch ability that doesn’t always get appreciated, etc., Gattas’ time in GT makes her a pioneer in battle rap no matter what her won-loss record was there. That said, here against a witty and personal-savvy Tut, after an entertaining and close 3 rounds that could’ve gone either way, a slightly punch-heavier Tut takes the OT for the win.
Verdict: Tut (W) OT
Favorite line: Tut – “I messed with a chick with a body like yours, it was kinda cute…we was probably like 4!”
Synopsis: I agree with the judges (funny watching Swave Sevah and Iron Solomon judging battles) as this was an easy win for Lotta Zay who came with better punchlines, meaner consistent bars and nicer name flips all throughout. Clearly, John John has a lot of growing to do.
Verdict: Lotta Zay (W) 3-0
Best line: Lotta Zay – “His man crying like why you hit him in the mouth for?, he came from the dirty so I hit him with the southpaw!”
Recap: For two rounds anyway, it’s really a battle of ‘Who’s the funniest?’ as Pat Stay and HFK trade personal insults, witty schemes and aggressive jokes with reckless abandon to the delight of a very captive KOTD crowd. However, it’s a more consistently funny Pat Stay who with the help of a couple of nice freestyles, who takes this one before a more condensed HFK salvages the 3rd round.
Verdict: Pat Stay (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Pat Stay – “He’s from Scarborough, but he ain’t never been in no trouble with the law, if he’s got his hands behind his back, he’s just unbuckling his bra!”
Recap: Tek-9 called this a ‘Bodybag’ for Aye Verb, but it definitely wasn’t as Midwest Miles aggressive (‘Watch me make this average bitch look great on cam, I’m Photoshop”) bars and rugged punchlines certainly got him round 1. But from there Aye Verb got serious and basically took over the battle, using witty (“Don’t Miles look like the mechanic from the hood that say ‘pop your hood’ [puffs cigarette]…’nah, nah, nah it ain’t your starter, it’s your alternator'”) personals, rich performance bars and some nifty wordplay to take rounds 2 and 3 with the fierce tenacity, when motivated, he’s long been known for.
Verdict: Aye Verb (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Aye Verb – “I’m swine flu times two, with no pork in my chest”
Synopsis: In your face personals, bars, schemes, rebuttals, punchlines, total disrespect…from the opening coin toss it’s all there as Hollow took this one with relative ease. Especially nice when you consider he went up against a guy who usually plays so well for the home crowd.
Verdict: Hollow da Don (W) 2-1
Best line: Hollow da Don – “I said I don’t think his English superb, he weak with the nouns and flow lame with the verbs, [so] if you go back to his name it refers….he just ok (Ok) with words (werdz)”
Recap: A sometimes hitting Monk Mcnasty does his best comedy routine, dishes a few Arabic jokes and spouts some steely narratives here against Dizaster to stay competitive. But over the course of 3 rounds Diz’s rampant freestyle game, punch-heavy theatrics and witty personals prove to be too much for McNasty and gets Diz the 3-0.
Verdict: Monk McNasty (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Monk McNasty – “Man, fuck you and Genghis Khan, man the way you look right now you make me wanna mail a bomb to the nearest nail salon!”
Recap: “Razor blades, more plates! Razor blades, more plates!” Always entertaining that Tech-9. But in a battle that was a lot closer than a lot of people give it credit for, Arsonal’s ability to spit lines just as (“Fake no-name ass nigga! Type to get a nose-ring ass nigga!’) comical as Tech’s, along with better deliveries, personals and performance (“She cherish my semen, she wanted to bottle my shit, I told her leave it on ya pillow bitch, you’ll acknowledge my shit!”) bars, got him this one.
Verdict: Arsonal da Rebel (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Arsonal – “He probably fuck 4 bitches in his life…and they all fat!”
Recap: Dope Midwest matchup between Hitman Holla and Big T sees Mr. Chillackaboo take round one with richer performance bars, frenzied set-ups and more amiable (“He represent the Loo right?, everybody it’s history, not because I’m about to beat the shit out of him lyrically, y’all about to see a nigga put St. Louis out of misery [Missouri]”) wordplay. Holla stepped it up in round two, using rich (“Nigga, you soft-ass teddy bear, you wouldn’t swing on a Wie!”; “In high school all you did was beg for nigga’s lunches, ain’t even smoke, always had the munches”) personals and dope storytelling bars to edge what was a pretty (“you September 12th when the towers fell, everything’s watered down”) nice, but not as strong turn from Big T. Tied going into the last round, Holla’s turn is shorter than Big T’s but more condensed as his stellar delivery and flow add shine to ferocious bars that had him cutting up Big T’s grandma chest ‘like a violin’ in the midst of more jokes on T’s physique. Still, besides a little filler here and there, Big T came back nicely with delicious gun bars, gritty street chatter and some comical mockery of Hitman’s hometown style of lingo. Indeed, both did well enough to call this one a draw.
Verdict: TIE
Favorite line: Big T – “I let two hit me, then another two hit me. Then a fa-la-fa-FEW! hit me, I thinking ‘the fuck am I fighting for?, I got that chi-lacka-BOO! wit me, boo boo with me, boo boo boo boo with me!!!”
Recap: For two guys with only 10 minutes prep, you can’t ask for much more than this dope, freestyle battle between Dizaster and Vision. Indeed, the competition was tight for all 3 rounds. And while Vision stayed steady with his off-the-dome skills and made for some solid punches throughout, a more witty, impromptu and biting with the personals Diz does enough to take all 3 rounds in the end.
Verdict: Dizaster (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Dizaster – “This muthafucka wrote a horoscope a letter and it wrote him back, it said ‘Dear Homie, this is your zodiac, you already know you’re fat and you didn’t need us to show you that’!“
Recap: Yet another judge’s mishap from Grind Time as a sometimes filler-prone, but punch-heavier and more versatile John John Da Don clearly took rounds 1 and 3 here from an inconsistent 30/30 for the win. But Grind Time being Grind Time, amongst 5 judge’s, only Direct gets the decision right. Thus, an OT round that shouldn’t have taken place allows a more prepared 30/30 to get the “win’ as well as JJDD’s $400 bucks.
Verdict: John John Da Don (W) 2-1 (not including OT round)
Favorite line: John John Da Don – “Why 30/30?, you don’t aim for them crosses, you probably got your name from your age and your losses!”
Recap: His flow remarkable and his bite mean, Shotgun Suge goes on a verbal (“This ain’t a battle, this a nightmare on Suge street!”) rampage against the oft-drab and freestyle-heavy Buddy, even threatening grandmothers on his way to earning an easy 3-0 win.
Verdict: Shotgun Suge (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Shotgun Suge – “Fight too much, my hands swollen, so I’m a grab the AA-12 and he can get picked first round, like Greg Oden!”
Recap: Incorporating a boatload of nifty punches to his rhymes to go along with aggressive spiels on the neighborhood strife life, righteous gun bars and willful boasts, Jai 400 Blocks manages to beat back a couple of solid and at times witty turns by Duke in the opening rounds of this Block City TV 3-rounder, before a shortened turn by Jai in the 3rd round coupled with better bar efficiency from his opponent erases any chance of a shutout.
Verdict: Jai 400 Block (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Jai 400 Block – “No chest shots, believe, I’m a squeeze at ya head, chrome 5th get blown quick, you could sleep when you dead!”
Recap: As Yung Ill mused, “Ill be schooling niggas for free, tell ’em come get they scholarship”. Which may explain why so many fans still root for the St. Louis spitter to this day, despite personal demons that have caused huge blowbacks on what was once a thriving battle career. Evident in full here during the infamous “Smack, who is this nigga?” battle, as a wry Ill leans heavy on winning anecdotes, nice personals, amiable wordplay and hard-hitting (“I’m on my shit again, no diaper rash, just pipes and mags for niggas that like to flash they ice and cash, or play Pac…till we Suge Knight they ass!”) bars to take out a strong-willed (“A lot of niggas know the plug, but I’m the power strip”; “He say he in that drop top, I say good now he can get his top popped…John F. Kennedy”) and competitive, but not-quite-ready-for-primetime, Calicoe.
Verdict: Yung Ill (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Yung Ill – “See, Detroit likes hockey and since Eminem y’all captain, I guess all the black rappers the waterboys”
Recap: A mean and witty Charron impression gets opponent Syco the 2nd round. But one too many over-the-top and hilarious Asian jokes along with other spirited personals and piercing rebuttals/punchlines in rounds 1 and 3 gives Charron the vic in this entertaining 3-rounder from KOTD.
Verdict: Charron (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Charron – “In high school my teachers yell at me for chatting and being so late, his teachers yell at him for sleeping in class [points at and raises eyebrows]…when he was really awake!”
Synopsis: Definition of a bodybag. Even worse, word has it James paid for Con to come out to St. Louis so he could battle him. Let’s just hope that if Jesse has kids, they never watch this video of their pops getting slaughtered like this.
Verdict: Conceited (W) 1-0
Best Line: “Even if he living single I’ll run in his crib and dump the desi, kill everybody in that full house, even your uncle, jesse”
Recap: Deftly tailoring his rhymes to his opponent’s home base, but also tossing in some witty barbs and piercing punchlines/personals along the way, after a debatable 1st round Big Kannon does enough damage to beat back a solid, fat jokes-bent showing from PT in this 3-rounder from Grind Time Midwest.
Verdict: Big Kannon (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Big Kannon – “But not knowing if the GOAT is real will get this ho from Minnesota killed, that Vikings shit died when you step into a Soldier’s Field!”
Synopsis: When it comes to aggressive bars I don’t know if anyone beats Rich Dolarz. Of course, the problem for Rich isn’t wordplay or performance, but whether or not he can go 3 rounds without choking. That said, this battle with a not-quite-yet-at-his peak DNA was a solid show from a couple of east coast battle rappers in their own, grimy backyard on Grain Time. I thought Rich easily took round 1, while DNA landed batter jabs (“not even the president wanted dolarz, that’s why he wanted to make change”) in the second. However, Rich’s third, which featured a crazy nice A-to-Z scheme and some solid personals, gave him the edge in my book.
Verdict: Rich Dolarz (W) 2-1
Best line: Rich Dolarz – “he gay, not joyful happy, he gay, boys and ass cheeks”
Recap: No one can dispute the fact that Shotgun Suge was aggressive and stayed talking that shit early in his rap battle career as seen here versus Philly’s Stats Money. As for the battle itself, it’s a wrap early on as Suge’s steady beastmode (“If you brave enough to die, then you brave enough to clap, if you brave to clap, get 30 dozens in your back!”) pathology proves to be way too much for Stats fast-rap speak and off-the-dome verbal kerfuffles.
Verdict: Shotgun Suge (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Shotgun Suge – “You soft like wet bread, come in your hood and your whole set dead, like 300!”
Recap: Not sure what happened in Jai 400 Block’s 1st round which seemed to have gotten cut short here, but whatever, as in the latter two rounds Jai, dishing nothing much outside of rampant heat, rugged boasts and utter mayhem, was able to up the ante on his bar efficiency and beat back a just as aggressive and gritty, but less potent over time Kold Hearted.
Verdict: Jai 400 Block (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Jai 400 Block – “You got cute rhymes, how you shoot .9’s, this nigger wouldn’t cut a coupon…in the due time!
Round 3
Synopsis: Even Lotta Zay’s singing couldn’t bring him close enough to beating Heartless’ exquisite wordplay, punchlines and personals.
Verdict: Heartless (W) 3-0
Best line: Heartless – So when I blow a can, it’s not a clothing brand, when I give Lot 29″
Recap: Early Calicoe Grind Time battle sees him come from behind, revel in some nice gun (“B. Silva street? the mag will put a pothole in his face”) bars as well as steady name flips to take out the BX’s B. Silva.
Verdict: Calicoe (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Calicoe – “See I know Ak frail, wannabee a dummy? One shot will turn him into Sonny and that’ll be a Bronx Tale”
Recap: Consistently going hard after opponent Real Deal with a barrage of stifling punchlines, dope personals, stereotypical, but potent white-boy jokes/themes and some off-the-dome heat, Jonny Storm is able to best a so-so effort from Real Deal in each round and catch a 30 in this 3-rounder from Grind Time.
Verdict: Jonny Storm (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Jonny Storm – “Bitch, you just a nerd rapper, your mom’s a hippie and your dad’s a squirrel master!”
Recap: Rarely changing expressions, but dipped in enough confidence and swag to make Phil Ivey sweat, Bigg K uses a steady stream of gritty wordplay, hardbody street rhymes and stifling punchlines/storytelling bars to handily get past the ill at times, but mostly pedestrian bars of Nico in this 3-rounder from Head Hunters.
Verdict: Bigg K (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Bigg K – “My whole squad getting money, your click broke, as far as bread, you don’t get it liek an inside joke!”
Recap: After splitting the first two rounds with an aggressive and solid-punching Knowledge Medina, Swave Sevah uses a grandiose variety of boastful darts, witty punchlines and stifling personals in the 3rd round to get an easy win.
Verdict: Swave Sevah (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Swave Sevah – “This nigger look like the missing link between human’s and penguin’s!”
Recap: Need further proof that QB has always been (“You’se a faggot rap bitch, you’se a dude with a husband, two niggas fucking in New York, streets is disgusting!”) disrespectful? Check out this early battle against an earnest, but clearly-unable-to-keep-up-with-the-shitstorm-that-hit-her Sara Kana. Indeed, it got so bad for her here that I think Sara retired from battle rap after this.
Verdict: QB (W) 3-0
Favorite line: QB – “I should fuck you up Rosie for trying to impersonate Ricky Lake”
Recap: Yet another Grind Time battle that sees DNA get screwed. I had it 3-0 for DNA in regulation what with DNA going heavy with the wordplay, (“We carry toasters that’ll make ya jump around, since your name’s a peanut [P-Nut] I’mma end your career it started, underground”) bars and punchlines, while for the most part P-Nut came with basic rhymes while yelling but not saying much (until round 3 at least). Good thing DNA had enough nice name flips and punches to take the OT too.
Verdict: DNA (W) OT
Favorite line: DNA – “You on Level 3?, this man’s higher, I’ll have nothing but bullets hitting your tee P [teepee] as soon as my camp fire”
Recap: Slow start by Tay Roc here in this Lionz Den 1-rounder versus a gritty 45th Focus. But with the second half of Roc’s turn featuring more piercing punches and righteous boasts, the Maryland spitter ends up getting the edge here.
Verdict: Tat Roc (W) 1-0
Favorite line: Tay Roc – “That chopper like Red Lobster…you could inhale shells!
Recap: The classic “Ain’t it 2 billion people in China? You can’t even go platinum over there!” line will live on in infamy and deservedly so. But Serius Jones’ ability to adroitly exquisite his set-ups, his fierce breakdown of Jin’s career inside and outside the ring, Jones’ wit and the sheer cockiness/aggression that comes with his punches (esp. the racial ones) is what really stands out here and in turn, clearly got to Jin (or as Lux would say, ‘Look at him, emotional!’). Still, Jones overwhelming his opponent for two rounds doesn’t take away from Jin returning to form with a solid, punch-heavy round 3 that along with a nice rebuttal, edged him the round and made this battle a little closer than its reputation gives it.
Verdict: Serius Jones (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Serius Jones – “And when he rap, why you be cheesing all day, what you be doing, E?!?”
Recap: Both O-Red and Young Greg repeatedly blast the heat when they’re not spouting boastful barbs and lyrical shiners at each other throughout the 3 rounds of this raucous battle from BlockCityTV. But Red, more condensed at times and stunting throughout the bout with more clever lines and consistently spicy punchlines, does enough to take each round for the win.
Verdict: O-Red (W) 3-0
Favorite line: O-Red – “We the only two nigger’s rapping and he in 3rd place!”
Recap: Regular Weez’s slow, methodical flow makes for some humorous moments, but an aggressive and guns-a-blazing Tsu Surf, who wasn’t altogether on his A-game bar-wise, is still able to get an easy vic over his opponent’s mostly pedestrian raps.
Verdict: Tsu Surf (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Tsu Surf – “I’m like a sniper, just give me a clean shot, then that thing shot, don’t jump for this Juice, that’s the thing that got Raheem shot!”
Recap: Elongated throughout the battle, J-Dice still unleashes enough gritty punches, witty barbs and Mexican jokes to edge round 1. But afterwards this bout was pretty much all Cortez, as while Dice wasted bars on other’s in the room and the quality of his rhymes decreased, the CT rapper’s more condensed adversary got busy with a gang of piercing punchlines/boasts, head-twisting mayhem, fiery personals and a couple of dope freestyles/rebuttals to easily take the latter two rounds for the win.
Verdict: Cortez (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Cortez – “I cook up and I shook up crews, his future’s not bright but judging by your height you got a lot you could look up too!”
Recap: Even with only the first two rounds being available for your viewing pleasure, Bigg K’s rampant punchlines and steady wisecracks are able to run circles around Soprano.
Verdict: Bigg K (W) 2-0*
Favorite line: Bigg K – “While I was toting my pistol, doing bids, shaving crack, you was blowing ya whistlend telling kids ‘Take a lap!'”
* – designates no 3rd round to view
Recap: Long-awaited showdown between T-Rex and Math Hoffa serves as the first ever URL.TV Main Event, making it a classic no matter what went down. That said, overall it’s Rex’s delivery that lets him down (i.e. ‘girl let me thriller’ – ‘Thriller’?; “I be in Math house when I want some head, I’m ass naked in his living room like ‘Math you want some eggs'”?!?) at times, but Rex’s consistent (“Move!, he pissed Rex off, now he seeing tek’s drawn, dots on his Lex door like I’m playing Connect Four”) aggression and a lazy, joke-heavy 2nd round from Math lets Rex even things up after Math got the first with better punches (“I’m like an A-bomb popping off, Molotov, I spit a Molotov cocktail and spit a Holocaust!”) and versatility. Although Rex still had some gritty (“Little sister had a problem with me digging her out, she was so young I made the Airplane noise tp put my dick in her mouth”) bars left at the end, but last round sees Math win it gripping (“No matter who you battle, you never gonna shine ’cause you living in Mook’s shadow”) personals, wild jokes and a richer performance.
Verdict: Math Hoffa (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Math Hoffa – “You should take Viagra, you might get a little taller”
Synopsis: First, nice of Smack to never, ever let Star host a battle ever again after this unprofessional debacle. Secondly, Frost doesn’t get near enough props for his bars or how funny (“Pockets lumped up crazy bee sting, Big T first nigga I seen make a ACG lean”) he can be. Third, while this was close throughout, at the end the edge goes to Big T for more consistent wordplay and overall, slightly better bars.
Verdict: Big T (W) 2-1
Best line: Big T – “Don’t let me hear you cremating her, (cuz) I’ll go to the crib and Lebron James the remains of her”
Recap: Pure utter mayhem, vengeance and retribution are the orders of the day as a punch-heavy Shotgun Suge leaves no stone unturned in this 3-round dismantling of a bar-prolific, but mostly pedestrian D.P.
Verdict: Shotgun Suge (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Shotgun Suge – “You faggot, you skittle, can you taste the rainbow!?”
Recap: Take out X-Factor’s choke in round one and you have a pretty good battle between him and Cortez here in this early URL/Smack battle. Both came hard with plenty of personals, working punchlines and heavy bars, but Cortez took it overall by adding better wordplay, more consistent lines and continual name flips that repeatedly scored. However, besides the kid from Brooklyn getting the win, this battle should also be noted to refute those who still say they’ve never seen what’s under X-Factor’s cap.
Verdict: Cortex (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Cortez – “Just to get a head [ahead] he be giving neck, only time’s X’s on paper when he incorrect”
Recap: Dope 3rd round by Quest MCODY doesn’t make up for too many lame (“If you were a puck, a hockey player wouldn’t put you on ice”) name flips during the first couple of rounds against Head Ice who faltered a little bit towards the end, but still had enough (“Try to see me the water’s deeper, you could die in the floor, ask those who really saw Katrina”) left in his tank to pull out the win.
Verdict: Head Ice (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Head Ice – “I know the real McGruff so if I start to fire I’m good”
Recap: Unintentionally funny at times and showing off an ability to spit ‘more bars than Rahway’, throughout this battle, Hann Smith’s freestyle acumen was pretty impressive, however long-winded it certainly was as well. But outside of a 3rd round in which he mistakenly thought he could bring as much quality, off-the-dome theatrics as his opponent, a way more condensed O-Red was still able to utilize a gang of boastful darts, plenty of drawn-out but spicy mayhem and some fiery wordplay/punches to take both of the opening rounds for the win.
Verdict: O-Red (W) 2-1
Favorite line: O-Red – “Throwback Trigger [Tigga] nigger, your rap’s in the basement!”
Recap: My guess is that Tsu Surf was onto something when after this battle he said ‘it was over when we got here’ as Surf’s rapid braggadocio bars and explicit gun lines easily took down the second-rate linguistics of Torch.
Verdict: Tsu Surf (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Tsu Surf – “All on that dash, I’m high off the hash, shoot ya in the future, push your brain to the past!”
Round 2
Round 3
Synopsis: Credit Miles for handling Rich’s choke in a commendable way, other than Tech-9 being so on point, there’s really not much else to say here.
Verdict: Midwest Miles (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Midwest Miles – “You the worst rapper from the Bronx since Drag-On”
Recap: This battle caused a lot of controversy what with many feeling Cortez got robbed by 3 celebrity judges who knew little about battle rap. However, upon a closer look this battle was a lot closer than people give it credit for. Sure, Cortez was steady dropping haymakers (“Let’s state facts I’m 25 and I’m ballin’, it’s just my life, Ice your 40-plus, you just got nice!”), but real bar for bar (“Pork niggas who beefing, butter knife his neck, put a fork to his weak chin”) Head Ice pretty much stayed consistent throughout, performed extremely well and easily edged him there. And while Cortez deserves credit for one of his best and most spirited performances on Ice’s home turf, the idea that killed Ice just speaks to those who run with the hype instead of being able to properly judge a battle on their own. That said, I got Cortez edging the 1st and 3rd rounds and Ice clearly taking the OT, tho one could argue there shouldn’t have been an overtime to begin with while another could argue this being a debatable.
Verdict: Cortez (W) 2-1 regulation, Head Ice (W) OT
Favorite line: Cortez – “Fuck it I might as well kick the bucket cuz’ I can’t win, Ice you went to school with all the judges!”
Recap: Outside of a 2nd round choke, John John Da God stays nice with his, spouting a barrage of piercing punchlines, witty barbs and fiery boasts/name flips to easily beat back a mostly mediocre 3 rounds from Bok Da God in this one-sided battle from Grind Time.
Verdict: John John Da God (W) 2-1
Favorite line: John John Da God – “You pussy Blood, what set you claim, PMS?!?”
Recap: Dishing fire rebuttals in each round to go along with a couple of well-loaded schemes as well as a plethora of witty punchlines/personals/4-bar setups, a charged-up Charron easily beats back a hitting at times, but mostly subpar effort from JWalker in this 3-rounder from KOTD.
Verdict: Charron (W) 3-0
Favorite line: Charron – “I said put your money where your mouth is…he swallowed his shoes!”
Round 3
Synopsis: Woah. Looks here like a lot of Grind Time inner friction got exposed in this matchup. Still a good battle tho. I got Heartless clearly taking round 1 and edging round 2 to get the win
Verdict: Heartless (W) 2-1
Favorite line: Heartless – “Now that it comes to me, y’all wanna hear something amusing? This fat nigga actually said he’d jump me, nigga you couldn’t even jump to conclusions”.
Synopsis: Z.M. does a great Soul Khan impression and that “wet bandits” punchline was hilarious, but Soul Khan just had too many wicked bars, personals and fat jokes (“I got the words primed to detonate and serve fry this heavyweight, how you gonna clown me when your shirt size is escalade?’) for him to stand a chance.
Verdict: Soul Khan (W) 3-0
Best line: Soul Khan – “…and your stretch marks look like the barcode on your favorite SMACK tape”
